you will not fool
me this time
yes, I will
embrace you
rock you
in the arms of patience,
massage the bamboo
pricking, sticking,
up and down my legs;
I'll be brave enough to manipulate
the naked nerves
until each blistering
tendril calms,
no, I won't
be the bear caught
in a steel trap
chewing
off limbs, or the wolf
tangled in a wire snare
whining
they're the ones
who self-amputate
making way for escape.
instead
I will caress you
coddle you
cosset you
complacently,
hate you.
In a list
What did you think
Comments
1 - 44 of 44
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Ooh, that's a cutting last few lines. Some fantastic imagery and I loved your originality and references to whining trapped animals. This poem is full of hatred, with interesting emotional contrast. A great write!
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Wow, I really really liked this poem. It was interesting and fascinating. Your use of words were definatley different but still played off the tongue nicely! The message isn't too clear but it's clear enough! Overall, Great job! Keep it up!!
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Interesting poem.
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ENCHANTING!
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A little wierd for my taste, this is not take away from your abilites. It is well written and I tink in time as your skills grow you may a great one.
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Thanks so much for the compliment. I really am NOT into rhyme, maybe one day I'll mature *guffaw* and write rhyme. There are some wonderful rhyming poetry but it has to be done with finesse which I haven't gotten to yet with my writes.
~Dee -
Yes you did comment on it already but I wanted to reply anyway about what you disliked. The contest said to make pain sensual and pleasureable SO since that is what you disliked about the piece then I must have come through with the criteria. YIPPPEEEEEEEEE. Thanks so much for validating the intent of my write.
~Dee
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The last paragraph really stood out with it's form and how it contrasted (the words coddle and hate together!) This was a great poem, good job.
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Oh... very nice. Eloquent stretching thought. I could just feel the dual emotions of detest and resignation. The need... to comply, with what your body requires of you. Such a uniquely striking way to describe the situation, and the work required for it, and still soak it in your feelings about the whole thing. I really loved these lines though:
~~tenderly, massage your bamboo
that pricks, sticks,
marches up and down my legs; ~~
Ha! Leg hair! That made me smile! ^^-^^ -
Forget that last critique. I should have known I already reviewed this.
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I first thought it was somebody else until the comments...this poem's really cool and urges yourself to be cool too instead of hurrying things up...lol...well done
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What I get from this is "Hurt me all you want, I won't be drawn into your game that way" Kind of a Kill 'em with kindness thing... I greatly enjoyed the read, and the word choice was excellent, loved the last stanza!
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Thanks so much for the compliment. Yes this was a very difficult contest and I'm still not sure I wrote what Ava wanted with this piece. Glad you enjoyed the read.
~Dee -
Hmmm, I will have to disagree with you on the last comment you left on my author page. I definitely do not write you under the table. Sure we have different styles, but this was a great write. The imagery is very good, as well as the emotion. It's rather a weird... type of feeling that I get from this poem, though I know what this particular contest wants. But it's the good type of weird, of course. A refreshing idea... from always being told that pain is unbearable and vile. And now, it's bearable, and practically tangible. Very powerful too. Anyway, very good piece. Good luck in the contest. You're very talented
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Thanks so much, glad you enjoyed the read.
~Dee -
superb
this is very good very good did I say that it is very good but any how I like the whole thing it reads smooth and happy writings to you -
Thanks so much, different writes are what I strive for.
~Dee -
interesting..different. enjoyed the flow of it. nice job with writing this. was worth the read. good luck in the contest.
Blu -
Thanks so much glad you enjoyed the read. Be patient with your girlfriend and Mom.
~Dee -
My girlfriend had painful nerve damage in her leg from a skying accident (and a loss of a lot of feeling). My mother also lost the abilty to move her ankle after wearing a slightly botched cast.
But I digress.
This is an excellent piece. Not a word lost in the shuffle. Very carefully designed. Really flows and groans with a textured pain. Not often enough is real physical pain told of in a truthful manner, and this definately attains that.
That last stanza is remarkable. You know your stuff...this plays the audience beautifully, almost demanding we come back for more. Excellent.
Cheers,
Yossarian -
This was an excellent piece. I really enjoyed it. You have a great use to metaphors and language. Great job.
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kinda like the beautiful rose we all covet, until the thorns bring us back to reality. not all that we desire is best for us. sometimes just admiring is enough til we find something surpassingly beautify that won't leave one wanting to gnaw or hack their own limbs off! at least that's what i interpret from the feelings you expressed.
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This is very well done! Just wow!
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Thanks glad you enjoyed the read.
~Dee -
This was pretty good, I loved the imagery. You definitely have a good one, I especially like the lines: "[ I wull not be] the bear caught in the trap chewing off my limbs..." I know how that feels.
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I have a friend who also suffers from Fibromyalgia or perhaps I am reading into this incorrectly, but that is certainly how she has described her condition to me on more than one occasion. I always feel so inadequate because I have no idea how to make her feel more comfortable. I just know that the look on her face and the things she says, well, this reminds me of it. You did a very descriptive job here and if I have demolished the gist of your porm, I apologize, but this is what I took from it. Good luck in the contest.
♥ Kimberly
Edited on Jul 25, 3:55 p.m. because ''. -
Thanks for the nice compliment tony. Unfortunately I feel like this quite often.
~Dee -
I just really liked this. Sums up how I feel at times over this weekend. Then other times I just couldn't give a stuff. This serves such intensity and an aura of absoluteness that it is just a beautiful triumph. Well done again! Tony.
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Riveting wodnerful flow ... Brava!!
Poignant wonderfully orchestrated powerful axioms an excellent riveting piece "-- not be the bear caught
in a steel trap chewing
off my limbs, or the wolf
tangled in a wire snare
self-amputating" Extremely thought provoking ... brava two thumbs up Wishing you and yours much success in all of your endeavors Good luck in the contest
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Thanks for you nice comment. I'm glad you can relate to what I was writing.
~Dee -
Incredible
I read and reread your poem and then your comment and the light bulb went off! Before I had my surgery, I spent hours in the night coddling my leg and knee, icing, rubbing, patching, pillowing, praying and cursing. This was an incredible poem! -
Embracing the pain. An interesting look that does not exactly describe it as pleasurable, but something else other than pain. Overall I think it does fit the contest topic, and you have done well in capturing how you feel while having to deal with the nerve damage and pain. I know what continual pain is like, so I can relate a bit.
Thanks for entering my contest.
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Thanks so much glad you enjoyed the read. I'm glad that the yin/yang feeling came through, that is what I was striving for.
~Dee -
This is very good. I like the yin/yang feel. Love/hae; pain/pleasure...
Great write -
v good
Sometimes, in order to gain an advantage and avoid pain, it is wiser to play along, pretend to be gullible, act appreciatively even though you detest the whole thing. That way, the betrayal of the other will never penetrate and, unlike the foolish bear who allowed himself to trust and became trapped, this person is well-prepared through past experience ("You will not fool me this time".... Sound advice poetically expressed. camus -
Very impressive. I think you do an excellent job of evoking imagery. I thought this was very powerful. Well, at least I was able to sink my teeth into your poem and inhabit it. Good job. Keep the good work up.
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i love the alliteration in this peice. at the end it just seems to tie the whole meaning of it all together and yet that last part just seems to be a work of its own. it really stands out from the rest in a very good way. great job
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wow.that was good.
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To answer your question, because I have a disease that fools you, sometimes it makes me think my legs aren't there. I could go on and on.
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Your last set of lines:
I will caress you
coddle you
cosset you
comfortably,
hate you.
Is extremely powerful. Overall, this is a very gripping poem. The only thing i'm confused about is the title. Why is this piece about the nerve damge in your legs called "Charlatan"?-Curtis Meyer -
Thanks for your comment. I'm always editing my works. I'll see how the poem "feels" tomorrow.
~Dee -
Hmm, I do like this piece overall. The opening is a bit awkward, maybe combining lines one and two would solve that. I do love the last verse, they way the lines trail goes really well with this.
Once again, you give the reader a very strong image. Nice job. -
Took the notes toreally understand this.. Different way to describe pain, I must say. Good luck in the contest.. Athena
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