"SNOGGO's Terrible Revenge On His Brother Egbert The Adulterer"
(SNOGGO's Fifth Adventure And His First Recorded Murder. Wow!)
by
SNOGGO & Edna
Midnight..................
I came out of the restaurant where I had just enjoyed a delicious, but lonely, meal. Since the death of my dear wife of 38 years, Mrs SNOGGO, two weeks earlier, I had eaten out most nights as (in her absence) the washing-up had piled up a bit. I glanced round the deserted streets, deserted except for the piles of refuse waiting collection and the odd scavenging rat. I quite like rats.
It was a cool night and I shivered slightly; only from the cold, not from fear or nervousness, I hasten to add. Few things frighten me, for I am the fearless SNOGGO, hero of many an exciting adventure (SEE NOTES FOR DETAILS). Over the past twenty-four hours I had come to a most important resolution: I would kill the most hated person in my universe. I refer to my brother, Egbert. Egbert is two years older than I and he is a hunchback, but that is not why I hate him, although it is a bonus. I have always envied him his wealth and I have also resented the fact that he had been screwing my dear wife (the late Mrs SNOGGO) for the past 37 years. But, now that she is no longer around to be upset by his death, his time had come.
So I walked slowly and determinedly up the main street and turned off into the road where Egbert the wealthy, adulterous hunchback lived. The moon was hidden behind clouds and there was near silence apart from the burping of a cat with indigestion after a rushed meal of careless mouse. I crept into Egbert's garden and opened the back door carefully. I wasn't particularly worried about noise once I was in Egbert's house, as the bastard was totally deaf, blind, and dumb.
Then suddenly I remembered I had forgotten my murder weapon. Never mind! I would find something in the kitchen. As I entered that sanctum of filth and degradation, I coughed loudly a few times to ensure the various rodents and roaches would disperse before my entry; I waited for the scuttling to subside and in I went. And sure enough, a dirty plate lay on the draining board: and on it lay a partially-eaten king-size hamburger, together with Egbert's preferred eating implement, a specially adapted staple remover (watching Egbert grab lumps of food with this before shoving them into his capacious, odourous gob, was a genuinely repellent spectacle). I picked up the plate with its contents in one hand and grabbed the pickaxe he had thoughtfully left leaning against the cooker in my other hand and headed upstairs.
Once in Egbert's bedroom I caught my breath as the stench of his unwashed body was ghastly. His snoring was stentorian but that would not be for much longer. I went over to the bed, raised the mighty axe above my bonce and brought it down with all my immense strength. CLUMP! SPLAT! Hot damn! Would you believe it? The head of the axe had come off, missed Egbert by a good two feet and buried itself in the wall. Now brother Egbert may have been deaf, dumb and blind, but he was sensitive to vibrations and the thump of the axehead going into the wall woke the ugly sod. His snores stopped and he uttered a loathsome grunt. I knew this was the precursor to some hideous and pitiful yowling so, quick as a flash, I jammed the half-eaten hamburger into his mouth and fisted it roughly down his throat.
'Grmmmmmp,' gurgled Egbert through six ounces of stale fatty beef, 'Mmmmrrrrppp, Schwlllmmppp.'
I rained blows from the axe handle on him as he tried to fight me off with all the strength that only a deaf, blind and dumb hunchback, faced with an angry and frequently cuckolded brother in the middle of the night, can summon up. Then a stroke of genius struck me: BOING! I clipped the sturdy staple remover onto his bulbous nose, thus cutting off his air supply (the observant reader will recall I had already blocked his windpipe with stale hamburger). After a few minutes' good-to-watch writhing, it was all over and Egbert lay there, hunched in death as he had been hunched in life.
I reached for the conveniently situated five-gallon drum of whisky which I knew he always kept next to his bed and tipped it over his corpse. I lit a match and skipped joyously downstairs as the flames took hold. SNOGGO had struck again!
Within ten minutes I was safely back in my own home. No one had seen me. I had been like a graceful black cat returning home after a good night's mayhem. I lay in bed, listening happily to the wailing of the fire engines' sirens as they futilely sped to the scene in an attempt to prevent Edgar's house from burning to the ground. I was confident they would not be unsuccessful (I had booby-trapped the front door - I think I omitted to mention that) thus all the evidence would be destroyed.
I gently dozed off, my heart full of joy. Not only had I destroyed my hated enemy, the dreadful Egbert, but tomorrow was the day when my new seventeen year old mail order Thai bride (virginity both ends guaranteed or full refund) would be delivered. Things were looking up for the fearless and indomitable SNOGGO.
THE END
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Author notes
This is SNOGGO's 5th great adventure, all about SIBLING RIVALRY, but it is his first recorded murder. Other SNOGGO adventures include:
allpoetry.com/poem/1176131 SNOGGO's Space Journey
allpoetry.com/poem/1180980 SNOGGO And The Slavering Beast
allpoetry.com/poem/1375139 SNOGGO Meets A Terrifying Monster And Conquers It Without Too Much Trouble
allpoetry.com/poem/1399630 SNOGGO in Transylvania
allpoetry.com/poem/1419545 SNOGGO And The Giant Sea Beast
Written 22nd July, 2005 and just as good now as it was then.
In a list
Say how much you admire SNOGGO's bravery!
Comments
1 - 55 of 55
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Ridding the world of hunchbacks,
one despicable relative at a time. interesting .
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Loved the burping cat.
Sadly the brevity of the piece displeased me somewhat.
I am looking forward however to the intimate details of deflowering the thai bride, possibly with the same pick axe handle that did for egbert, or did he leave it in the fire
Onwards and upwards snoggo me boy......
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Too Grisley
Is this the beginning of a novel? cause it's not very poetic. It would make for a great horror movie though.
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Am I wrong for assuming that there is supposed to be an element of comedy to it? I could see the effort and push for it in the prose itself but it just didn't fit with my sense of humour. I wasn't impressed, sorry.
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Looks like Snoggo shan't be rivalring with this brother again. You do write very creatively with imagery of the situations. Good job!
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Hi. I haven't read your series, but this was interesting.
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the title caught me, and the story pulled me in. this was a wonderful read.
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charming
i enjoyed reading this thank you for sharing it -
Sobs unconsolably
The waste of whiskey
You know I'll bet SNOGGO left some pole sauce in his skivvies after that one. I wish my kids were older as You Fair edna arethe last stage of total corruption. Now I'm off to see if Egbert left any meat behind....
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I apologize. I clicked accidentally. I'll give you some clappies anyway.
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That Snoggo - what a bloke - and he's so fucking lucky.................. Even his shoes are lucky...... Certain he's not a 3, but, if he were, I'd happily exchange shoes with him. Me? Lucky? Oh fuck - here comes the grand piano.....nnnnmmmmblat
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Snoggo Strikes again for the first
"Poor Eggy - I knew and loved him well"
Wonderous writting
Good Luck in the Contest
B D
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Sir, this is probably the most delightfully absurd and entertaining piece of absolute and utter drivel I have ever read! Bravo Sir - Bravo!
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Hysterically funny.
I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of this.
The wonderful imagery flashing through my mind during the chapter that described the demise of poor old Egbert was almost too much to bear, and now I'm sitting here wondering if my neighbours are thinking that I'm at at the nitrous oxide again.
What a fabulous read and I realise that It is necessary for me to find the time to aquaint myself with your previous SNOGGO stories.
Thankyou for such a great piece of entertainment.
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Found myself thinking of "The Tell-tale Heart" all the while I was wrapped in the layers of your suspenseful tale. I shall surely check out the other adventures, the lack of inhibition is such a freeing feeling to the reader!
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I liked this it was good well written and very easy reading
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you are only saying that because you are a tiny and sweet wee creature that just found itself in Edna's parlour.... Look and learn!!
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Please tell me there isn't going to be any more, Edna.
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ROTFLMMFAO!!!
This is exceptionally funny, to the point that I almost wet my pants reading it.Having not read any of these before I will have to go back to the very begining and trapes forward through your's and Snoggo's minds. Do not fear though as I will thoroughly wipe my feet before doing it so as not to leave tracks in your mind. I really enjoyed this.
Cheryl
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wow. -
wow
For sure one hell of a wild imagination ya got goin on here. Major vocabulary and intense imagery. different, but well written!
POETDONTKNOWIT -
Wow
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erudite in the extreme.
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intense and emotional
i took this great write to be somewhat extraordinary, i love your motions,and your thoughts. you have penned this so well. i think your wife and your brother should both burn in hell. wow hunch back what great choice for a name. i can almost picture quasimoto standing in front of me.only laughter when you swung the axe and it hit the wall. honestly that is exactly what would happen to me.thank you ever so much for allowing me to comment on this powerful yet great write... i look forward to reading and enjoying more, of your wonderful work... -
i loved it
haha snoggos adventures sound interesting to say the least. the story pulled me in further as i read; a sure sign of talent. someparts were a bit wordy in my opinion but whatever. it definitely made me laugh a few times.to me SNOGGO is edgar allen poe on extasy. awesome. keep it up.
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Wordy?? Are you serious? Is that not why we are here - our raison d'etre?? Non? To be as fucking wordy as the discipline demands... WORDY?? Ah, yes, wordy, wordy is as wordy does.... Defy reply!!!! x
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I like the lasting impression a reader can get from reading this short story! Good luck! And awesome write!
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oh Wow
My first and lasting impression is that as your brother had so many deformaties and was so wretched, you must also be quite an ugly bastard - sorry but that is what I kept thinking whilst reading this, hopefully you aren't, and it is only a story - isn't it?
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It was very nice.And I enjoyed reading it.Keep up the good work GOod luck in the contes
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how sad that there is nobody left to do SNOGGO's washing up!
'hunchback' is such an ugly word -
Yes, I am back for more. - but wait I hear the chant of other followers - I must hurry onward (actually backward in SNOGGO'S history.
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i just love each and evry episode that i have cought and i will read the rest of them i would love to see this in movie form it worked for harry potter and for mr. bean this would be great yhanks for writing this and keep it up
love the papa -
Dear Cock-Robin....Way way back you said you enjoyed one of SNOGGO's stories....why not join the FANS OF SNOGGO group, thej you'll never miss another in this wondrous saga.
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Thank you for comment. I am pleased you like "long ones"; I like them too.
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nutter
mmm.. dark and twisted again - seems to be the running theme of these long ones
like as though if people use lots of letters, the weight of them drags the wrighters concience down to the lowest common denominators
respek anyway
sure made me think- i hate that - thinking - seldom constructive
ahhhhhhhhhhhh -
if you had not confessed to the destruction of old Egbert, I'd swear I knew this person as an ex...LOL! you have such a dry and witty humor Edna. you just pull all the punches and punchlines every time!!!
Jo -
totally spiffy!
i love the whole revenge thing, its something new for SNOGGO.
i actually feel bad for his brother i didnt think i would, i also feel bad for MRS.SNOGGO for sleeping with Egbert.
i loved it1
great job and enjoy the trophy
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This is a beautiful write that comes with great word flow that helps the reader to have an accurrate account of the story.
I think you have done a great job in carrying the readers along. -
Pretty neat, but may I ask: what's up with you and virgin mail-order brides?
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I do love the many facets of SNOGGO's character that come through in this story - most particularly his tender side (waiting for the death of his philandering wife before killing this colorfully disgusting character).
There is nothing predictable here and the wording is definitely a joy ( I especially liked the voice that came through in this simply line: Egbert is two years older than I and he is a hunchback, but that is not why I hate him, although it is a bonus.)
So enjoyable I'm going back for another helping.
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Thankyou for the BRONZE cup for this little saga! SNOGGO will be offended when I tell him he didn't get gold.
Edited on Apr 07, 2:03 p.m. because ''. -
I'm a good snogger.
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Horrifically Funny!
Delicious!You are definitely one of the most talented if gruesome writers I have come across but certainly wouldnt fancy snogging with you as you are always bumping some vile creatue off.However I must sy you were very tolerant of Mrs Snoggos behaviour of the last 37 years and am sure you will find adequate consolation wtih your new bride and as you say there is a money back gurantee!Sentimental Edna! -
As requested, I have posted a new SNOGGO adventure: # 1419545!
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Jesus was a christ
de niro is an actor
nicholson a better
mozart was a gangsta
eminem a letter
price was just a word
vince a change in pitch
beyonce justa whore
but satans still DAAAAAAAAAA BITCH!
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If only yu lived in Brighton. It was the Pride March today. Gay Pride, that is. You, pork chop, jewish wedding.!!
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I knew it was Brighton Fairy Day as I saw people getting into the Brighton train at London Bridge yesterday morning. The whole platform reeked of aftershave and KY-Jelly.
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Ah, away with the fairies
You have to love them. They put their all into it. Respect.... Easy reading???? xx deb . Edna, I know I can be quiet with you and that's ok......... tee hee xx -
hey just pretendin. S'pose you are the one and only. Aw fuck, just slipped over. Claimed direct but they said it was a mix of aftershave and ky jelly and there were clauses in the small print that said I needed a nutting. As Barry would say, I'll not be gracing Brighton with my presence again. Not after that bit of Armageddon.........
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that was deeply funny, i like the SNOGGO character a lot. especially enjoyed the grandness of it, "the fearless and indomitable SNOGGO." veryvery nice..hehe..deaf,dumb,and blind adulterous hunchback...hehe...that's frickin brilliant.
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OMG, excellent, it is so stupid, that is is incredibly funny! (And i dont mean stupid in a bad way). One sentence that I really liked was: "(watching Egbert grab lumps of food with this before shoving them into his capacious, odourous gob, was a genuinely repellent spectacle)." The words are brilliant, took me a few reads, and a dictionary to understand it (joking), but I really liked it. Look forward to more adventures.
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Oh wow that is fabulous lol. That's so funny. hehe. thanks fo much for entering.
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Wonderfully written!!! I loved this story with revenge and just a great story. You have great talent in writing. Great job. and Thanks for sharing it.
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I'm very happy you spotted "careless mouse"; this was why I applauded your comment; the sentence about the cat burping after eating a careless mouse was the single bit of the story I was most pleased with. Most gratifying you spotted it! Try some other of my SNOGGO stories as I have built in a similar little quip into each. I have a feeling you like opera.
Edited on Jul 23, 9:11 because ''. -
Yay SNOGGO! Revenge is indeed sweet. Egbert deserved everything he got. Particularly like the description of the cat and 'careless mouse' - fab. Brava! xx Rach xx
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