COOLING
a sulfur morning and two floors above
flushed toilets bring me their stories
through the talkative pipes
until the redundant gossip
drives me from a sawdust bed
to face a window gaunt and hungry
for glints
and it speaks to me
this rubble-stubble city
in horse language that
clatter
chatter
a hello
as the fire hydrant
yells at plump mrs laurel
her hair like sheets of arsenic
and a face like a postman’s step
but she only waves
at the bridge her husband built
the last place she saw her
son
and walks a crooked line
back to a bunch of snoozing white flowers
and the bin of smiling tomatoes
she is sheltered like some dusty babe
underneath black iron brasseries
in the shade of a monstrous mother
who is quick to pinch the pink ears of her pickpockets
and cover the knees of her fallen daughters
with a layer of clean dirt
honest dirt
the dirt of forefathers and not just
men
the same men who worship
her walls with smoke from mouths
as open as opportunities and bellies
filled with coins like piggy banks
swollen and fat as their tastes are
lean
so the bicker of the bricklayer
the snorts of the sand-diggers
the moan and groans of a city
still rupturing in blood and birth
cottons up ears until only soup and bread
can reduce
reduce it all to a
sigh
but at night
it becomes my child
and i watch it sleep
on its pebbled side
drained
from its bar tantrums
&
ready for prayers
rambling from grate mouths
its curb fingers
curled
like
an abandoned silk stocking
so it beats
and pulsates
like daises bowing
like heads nodding
like steel
cooling
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Author notes
I hope this is what you guys were looking for...lol. I've never been to this place before, but I was deeply inspired by the picture and all its stories...and this is the one it share with me. Hope you'll enjoy...
Gold
Written July 20th, 2005
A contest entry
- down the pike by .
400 points, ended July 25, 2005, 5 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - prewrites & critiques by aeolia.
400 points, ended September 12, 87 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 25 of 25
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Who could have written this? I have no clue I can tell it's an earlier poem, too, without you mentioning the date you wrote it.
Now for the nitpicks:
"in horse language that
clatter
chatter"
--should be "clatters" and "chatters," respectively, since the subject is "language" and that's singular.
"her hair like sheets of arsenic
and a face like a postman’s step"
--this seems more 'abstract' than you usually write. The second line is a tad wordy and repetitious, methinks, with the sustained usage of "like." Maybe "her hair like sheets of arsenic / her face a postman's step." Nonetheless, powerful and original.
"snoozing white flowers"
--white is pretty predictable for flowers. I think it'd be stronger if you cut the colour and got to the real image in the snoozing.
"the moan and groans of a city
still rupturing in blood and birth
cottons up ears until only soup and bread
can reduce
reduce it all to a
sigh"
--gahhh, this is excellent, but you know me: I anally critique the bits I like best. The bit about blood and birth is perfect-- descriptive and plain factual at the same time. The repetition of "reduce" made me stumble and I'm not sure why you repeated it. Breaking a line at "a" isn't very strong; an alternative might be "can reduce it all / to sighs"... just a suggestion, though. Feel free to ignore anything I've said, anyways.
You know I love this, nitpicks aside. I don't even want to see the image that inspired this; it probably isn't as good as this.
Thanks for the entry!
-endymion -
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I love you...even if you are anal enough to suck up small pieces of furniture should you (goddess forbid) sit on them.
Thank you for the pointers, my pet. And who knows? Maybe I'll get off my lazy ass one day and actually edit this to your suggestions.
Hey. It could happen!
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My anus is a vacuum. Want your carpet cleaned?
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This is a masterpiece, really. You're painfully descriptive, you're fucking thick with it. Full of imagery and torn emotion. Perfect.
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oye!!
look here, ill give you the facts, its 11:30, its late, im tired, theres country music blaring in the livingroom and i have cramps! you managed to make me forget about all of that...for a minute lol,,,,back to frigid reality now....oh wait, did i read crackle? -
I love you...
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I thought this was an excellent picture in and of itself but you brought it to life with this wonderful piece that is so well written.
Desiree
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Well, if you insist...
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VERY good writing here
What, no mustache rides? -
As I have told others, I am very sorry I have been "hit-and-miss" in my appearances here over the past few weeks Darcy. However, apparently (if I understand your author note correctly)) unlike you I have been to NYC many times, including to Brooklyn. I assure you that you have captured more than the essence of the photograph -- you have done a marvelous job incorporating the theme of the time, as well as the sights and sounds of the place. This is a seminal piece, and took you to your best heights of imagination, to which you have triumphed. A supurb piece, which I am sure exceeds what the contests hosts were hoping for - even as they, like myself, have come to expect such excellence from you.
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Of course it is! I'm very flattered by your sweet comment...again, thank you!
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Wow, I really love reading your work, its so powerful and idk why I love it so much, i just do i guess.
and it speaks to me
this rubble-stubble city
in horse language that
clatter
chatter
a hello
Great lines, i'm adding you to my favorites if thats okay. -
Brilliant
I loved how you went beyond their lives, and captured their hopes and dreams. How the work ethic is what made it all come to life, much like a thirst. Their bending, tempered steel lives. This was like a penny movie of that time.
Peace Muddy
Edited on Jul 21, 5:19 p.m. because 'Brilliant'. -
This poem sounds amazing...as if I have never heard anything before!! This reminds me that even in the middle of cold steel giants, life is living, as if it didn't know better...
Peace, Kelly -
this was an excellent read every word a delight that tickled the brain... the ending was the only ending fitting for this poem... most excellent
billy -
You did a great job....If you'd like to read some of mine that would be great and hope that you keep writting great like this on and you have a very unique technech....Nice!!!
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I was just strolling through this write, mentally tying it to that really great pic. Then I hit this
but at night
it becomes my child
and i watch it sleep
on its pebbled side
and was drawn into everything that had gone before. The rest of the poem after that (I won't reproduce) was like a coloring in with feeling of all that went before. Very nice and imaginative way of writing from a pic that could easily be used to write on a lower level. -
I think you are my new favourite poet! Your imagery, your descriptions, your words seem to flow so effortlessly off the tip of my tongue while reading. No forced creativity. Everything is so natural. Incredible write! Especially about a place you've never been to. Amazing!
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This poem is very well written. I love how descriptive you are. Especially in the lines "her hair like sheets of arsenic
and a face like a postman’s step" An amazing poem. The end is pretty amazing too. I love the way the style changes. It is very well written keep up the good work. -
For someone who has never been to a place, you've described it in a convincing sort of way. I praise you for your talent. Keep up the good work.
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so it beats
and pulsates
like daises bowing
like heads nodding
like steel
cooling
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I love that last bit. the way the structure changes, as if things are almost falling away, piece by piece. As always, I love this poem (and you )! Good luck in the contest, and lots of 
and 
for you. 
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the last place she saw her
son
....I love the way you incorporate tragic undertones throughout. This poem is about the best I've read on city squalor
she is sheltered like some dusty babe
underneath black iron brasseries
in the shade of a monstrous mother
I never cease to be amazed at the way you can jump thoughts and connect disparate images...sorry for repeating the same comment for all your poems,but here, I can't help it. -
As always Onerios13 this is some exceptional visual musing! It seems the muse went into a fantastic overdrive in visuals and feeling! The little seemingly nonchalant tales of each event actually not so nonchalant. As always a joy of a read, and good luck to you in the contest!
~Nikki~ -
lol SimpleSarcasm... this is amazing!!! omg this is FABULOUS so much creativity and description i love this piece so much! great work....
Jinnie -
Uh...
Damn it! Your writes always mute me!
~Dee
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