"SNOGGO in Transylvania" (SNOGGO's Fourth Adventure)
by
Edna Sweetlove
on behalf
of
SNOGGO
The noise of the coach wheels changed as the cobblestones began. I looked out of the window: we seemed to be entering a small country village. The map hadn't shown any settlements before we reached Karstadt so I was somewhat surprised. The village appeared a poor one, dilapidated cottages mostly with their windows shuttered against the coming cold winter's night. Occasionally, a broken shutter allowed a dim gleam from an oil lamp to show. I saw no one in the streets, although it was still no more than five o'clock.
The coach drew up in front of the door of an inn just as the sun dipped below the roofs of the village houses in the square. I leaned out of the window to ask the coachman why we had stopped. 'Most esteemed Sir, we cannot go any further tonight,' answered the coachman, 'It is too dark. It will not be safe. The horses may stumble.' I remonstrated and explained I must be in Karstadt for the morning: I had an important appointment. It was useless; the stupid peasant pig was adamant. Even a generous bribe would not move him. The horses neighed, the stupid bloody brutes; they seemed nervous. It was not a good omen.
The coachman descended from his pillion, opened the door for me and motioned for me to get out. I looked at the inn in resignation; it seemed respectable enough and, to tell the truth, I was tired and hungry. Dr Krappenschwanzchen in Karstadt would have to forgive me for my lateness in the morning. I indicated to the driver which cases I required and he preceded me into the inn, whose name I could just make out on the creaking sign: "Am Hof der Fledermaus".
As I entered the inn my nostrils were immediately assailed by an overpowering stench of stale bodies, stale beer, stale food and, above all, stale garlic. What a fucking pong! The parlour was empty apart from two hideous old peasants who looked up from their steins of beer to nod in greeting. Severely downmarket, but beggars couldn't be choosers. Christ alone knew what the latrines would be like.
The landlord showed us up to our rooms, mine the best he could offer, a large and clean chamber facing the village square, the coachman's fuck knows where, I did not care a twopenny toss. He could sleep in the pigsty for all I cared.
After a truly disgusting supper of what the landlord claimed was roast deer, but which tasted more like overcooked doormat smothered in some vile stomach-churning shitty sauce, accompanied by several buckets of what he laughingly thought was wine, I retired, belching repellently and farting like a constipated negro slave. I fully expected a night broken by retching and diarrhoea thanks to the efforts of the worst cook in Transylvania, damn his eternal soul.
Once in my chamber, I glanced out of the window; a full moon was casting its baleful light over the empty square and a dog howled plaintively. Or was it a wolf in the mountains? Or even a werewolf, after all this was fucking Transylvania. I burped loudly and the noise echoed round the village square. Bugger me, that felt better.
I drew the heavy curtains but they did not meet fully (probably bought mail order) and the moon shone into my room. I prepared myself for bed in my normal fastidious way: my bladder was full from dinner and I evacuated it noisily but pleasurably into a cracked chamber pot. I have often noted that a good piss is one of life's simplest but most sublime joys. I decided against a dump, preferring to kip on a full colon. I climbed into the old damp bed, anticipating a long wait before sleep came but, exhausted, I soon dozed off, farting stentoriously and biliously.
I know not for how long I slept, nor what wakened me. But I do know that when I woke from my boozy slumbers, I immediately realised I was not alone. Someone else was in the chamber. I opened my eyes cautiously and beheld a wondrous sight: standing by the doorway was the landlord's daughter, the lovely Magda, a sweet and docile buxom beauty, whose cute plump arse I had fondled absentmindedly during supper. She was stark bollock naked and my eyes took in her pendulous breasts and her voluptuously plump thighs with a combination of surprise, relish and unbridled lust.
'Would the master care to fuck me?' she enquired demurely, to which I could only reply, 'Do bears shit in the woods, baby?'. And so she closed the door and climbed into the bed with me. But I felt something was amiss and, as I leaned to kiss her parted ruby lips, the moonlight glinted on her burning red eyes and elongated canines. Fuck me, Magda was only a vampire, come to drain my life's blood!
Quick as a flash I challenged her: 'You dirty bat! The garlic! How could a creature such as you survive the garlic? The whole inn reeks of garlic and, after your father's obscene meal, my breath is putrid with it!'
'Fairy tales,' Magda laughed evilly, 'I'm immune to that garlic shit!' But she was not immune to the wooden stake I had carefully hidden under my pillow and which I now drove deep into her evil vampiric heart with a single mighty blow from the hammer which I always keep in my nightgown pocket specifically for such emergencies.
'Take that, you satanic fucker!' I declaimed in sardonic triumph. Then, before my very eyes, the voluptuous Magda shrivelled up into a wizened old crone, an old slag you wouldn't want to poke if she were the last female on the earth. Wow, what a fucking transformation! It fair took my breath away. And that is the true tale of how the legend of SNOGGO the valiant, indeed fearless, vampire slayer was born.
THE END
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Author notes
If you have enjoyed this tale, why not try SNOGGO's other adventures:
allpoetry.com/ poem/1176131 - SNOGGO's Space Journey
allpoetry.com/ poem/1180980 - SNOGGO And The Slavering Beast
allpoetry.com/ poem/1375139 - SNOGGO Meets A Terrifying Monster And Conquers It Without Much Trouble
allpoetry.com/ poem/1405465 - SNOGGO's Terrible Revenge On His Brother.
More SNOGGO stories to come - keep watching the skies.
Inspired by "Dance of the Vampires" (Polanksi film from c.1966)
Written July 19th, 2005
In a list
A contest entry
- Make Me Fall In Love With...(Contest) by trista.
525 points, ended December 30, 2006, 33 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Great Poetry Illusion Contest by XxGoldenxXDawnxX.
300 points, ended April 2, 2007, 9 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 47 of 47
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Interesting....
..... Aside from the language being assaultive at times I thought it a good story. The only way this could have been made better was if the main character violated the impaled remains of the vampiric succubus. Oh well that is another story for another time I guess. I am glad I invest the time to read this and will be reading more!
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his travels are boundless, his prowess reknowned, the saga continues.
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Thanks again for entering my contest, Edna. I have to say that I am warming to your style. Hmm, am I becoming ornery in my old age or are you getting better?
Patricia
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SNOGGO has once again triumphed over evil!!!! Now, where in the world did all those bunnies on this page come from? You know they're all that's saving your butt, don't you, Edna!
I've missed seeing you. I have to admit I was hoping I'd have something from you. Patricia
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you have much tallent,a great writer
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I found this to be a wonderful read, leaves me blood thirsty for more
. Why, I think I shall gorge on your other SNOGGO stories. Great write, and deserving of applaud
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lusty weirdness
I enjoyed your boisterous take on a vampire encounter. Images, scents, sounds were plentiful, vivid, and fun.
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you might not believe it but this is my first snoggo. Until this day I was a snoggo virgin. I thoroughly enjoyed my maiden voyage and rest assured it wont be my last. You clever old fart. x
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Congratulation On the Gold Impressive write
HILARIOUS
This is super hilarious thing I have ever read. I was really intrigued by your write. I wanna read more of Snoggo
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Lame.
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I wasted 40 points for that? From you? Jesus wept.
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Fabulous imagery!
There are too many parts which I really enjoyed in this episode. One of them in particular was the bit about the nightie with a hammer in its pocket for emergencies. I'm still laughing at the thought of it.
As with the other SNOGGO story I read, the imagery is once again sheer excellence all the way through.
Brilliant!
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Cool
More of a short story then a poem, but good. I think you'd like my short stories. but i don't have any on here, You should check out some of my writeing, Lunaris, and my religion should be right up your ally. -
Briilliant write
Briilliant write....I loved the other snoggo stories....but this one has to be my favorite
Snogga is quite a hero lol,,, but i loved it
Poetic skater11 -
Ahh another great installment of the SNOGGO series. Amongst all your many characters I can't help take SNOGGO seriously. But then again, who couldn't?
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Quite frankly, that is just fucking priceless. Its like Flashman being morphed with the demented. That is just brilliant to read- loved it!!
David
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HILARIOUS
That is truly the most hilarious thing I have ever read... I wanna read more of Snoggo... lol
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Thanks s much for the GOLDEN thingummy. SNOGGO would expect little else!
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'belching repellently and farting like a constipated negro slave'
I am sure you could have used a more PC comparison than that but then I am becoming accustomed to the lack of anything PC in your writing!
Another good story, I swoon at vampiric stories.
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I believe they had a very poor diet. I suppose I could have said "belching and farting like a McDonald's frequent customer" but it would have lacked the right touch of eldritch horror.
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yes, a very good point. did someone say points?
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Swoons...
He is quite the hero isn't he? Well let me tell you, I have plans for SNOGGO! (all will be revealed later) MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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Ahhh, Edna...I'd recognize your stories anywhere now that I've read a few.
This is a wonderful, satirical piece of writing, flawless in execution and full of those little gems of truth most writers don't bother with. Example:
"I have often noted that a good piss is one of life's simplest but most sublime joys."
Every time I hear my boyfriend in the bathroom saying, "Ahhhhhhhh" with a sigh of pure pleasure, I will think of this story.
I have only two problems with this piece. One, I'm not really sure how it fits into my "love" theme for the contest, and two, it was too short. I wanted more. Which, once I've finished judging my contest, I intend to get by reading more of SNOGGO's adventures.
Thank you for an amusing and enjoyable entry in the contest and good luck.
Best wishes,
~J. -
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It was intended to make you fall in love with SNOGGO.
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Well...I might not have fallen in love yet, but I am definitely infatuated at this point. And I do love the story.
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Hurrah! Hurrah! for SNOGGO is triumphant again! One to the next (This is almost like a tag team race - except there's no one to tag - except my imagination)
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Damn, Snoggo sure is prepared...Great setting!
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Slaying
And you just happened to have a stake at hand,you brave perfect vampire slayer.Always thought garlic sounded a bit too simple.Have been subject to its strong stench from many a wench here in the Middle East.Very wise to sleep on a full colon as the constant farting keeps the mind alert to such tempteresses as the fair Magda.
Hysterical write and laughed out loud as usual.Buffy -
Dearest Edna,
This is truly a piece of wonderous prose, of a vampiric quality Bram Stoker would be jealous over.
My most favouritest part has to be:
"I have often noted that a good piss is one of life's simplest but most sublime joys. I decided against a dump, preferring to kip on a full colon."
I love your natural ability to poeticise even the most vulgar human acts, and all without the use of a thesaurus!
Bravo!
LB
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Hi, oh brilliant she cries falling of her chair with hysterical laughter, you slaughtered me, must read more of this series, sweet Edna I need you in my life right now, have not laughed so much in years, I love the way you start off so prim and proper, and very British, then with a swift cut to the gut you let rip, brilliant my friend, loved it, hugs Di,
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wow!
the stories just kepp getting better and better,and weirder and weirder.i love all the stuff that snoggo thinks about and the parts about shitting and pissng is truely unique,most writers REFUSE to put that in there stories,but you seem to emphasise it.
great job
off to read the rest.
oh yeah, i just wanted to say Americans are not a stranger to irony,most are just too stupid to undserstand it.
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Dear red Z3 roof down (a weird nom de plume but no doubt it has some obscure meaning to you): You appear to be uninformed about the meaning of the word "demure". It means "reserved, modest or shy" and is usually applied to a woman. "Demurely" would be the adverbial derived from it: thus, modestly or shyly. Perhaps you didn't realise I was using it ironically; I visualised her standing there, eyes on the floor, offering herself to the great SNOGGO in a shy and pure way. I realise that irony is a stranger to Americans, but of course I do not know your nationality. You are incorrect about the Thesaurus by the way. I seldom resort to one. I welcome comments which are critical, but you need to get them right. Additionally, I do not attempt to demonstrate a wide vocabulary, although some people appear to think this is intentional (or deliberate according to your Thesaurus, I expect). The previous comment by "Springheel" I ignored as it was bollocks (testes, testicles, balls, nuts, etc.).
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Springhill has a very valid point. Additionally, dismissing your use of petty vulgarities, I did think your vocabulary was splendid. Then however, I read a line which made me think your vocabulary is really nothing more than a well developed skill with the thesaurus. A vocabulary so mature as you would have us believe yours to be would never have flagrantly misused "demure' as you did in describing Magda.
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Dude. What the hell.
It was like a story, without any story in it. Even though its over, I'm still waiting for it to develope a point and justify the fact that I just read it. -
SNOGGO is of the laissez-faire school of vampire hunters; he believes decapitation is excessive and messy. He uses a garlic flavoured stake.
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If ever there is a voluminous volume titled "The Life and Death of Snoggo", I might consider buying it from a bookstore near me.....hehe.
And oh yeah, Snoggo forgot to decapitate Magda to ensure she never gets resurrected again. -
Snoggo is ace well done a brilliant write i am off to read the rest bravo xx Cheryl
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good job
This is a hoot. You are truly a gem among poets.
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Dear Emotional: this is indeed a challenge and I shall ask SNOGGO if he's up for it. However: what, pray, is "The Boot Monster"? SNOGGO and I will need to know if he is to battle it.
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Wonderful
(ok.. let's try to comment on this before I get kicked offline. I think I need SNOGGO to battle the 'boot monster')
As always a wonderful, funny story. SNOGGO is just cool!
EH -
Dear candycoated cyanide:
I am pleased you felt this SNOGGO story was worthy of 2nd prize in your contest. Thanks for the points! SNOGGO is disapppointed he didn't come first, but he's a bit too vain for his own good. -
LOL! Hilarious.
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Great story! And I love your blatant sexuality and humor. Mind opening and broadening...which is always good!
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Your Poetry Rocks! It is so damn awesome and you convey emotion quite well. Keep on being so creative and good luck in the contest!
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I think that means you liked it. SNOGGO may take up parrot-slaying next. Please try one or other of my other SNOGGO sagas.
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Excellent!
This a fantastically funny story and you pulled it off really well.All of your sweetness just seems to come out ineverything you write and the choice vocabulary is lovelier than ever!
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