'Tis a sad time in the royal guard camp today, the Grand Turk Prince has grown quite tense- his wives coarsely poured coffee on his sensitive feet which, we all know, of course, is no minor feat, now there are dark prints from said sad sweet royal feet treading all through the tents to the royal miner's suite...
He tracked the stains onto his mistress's finely knit clothes which she hid in knotty chests that would not easily close, this affected the angle of the Prince’s large nose, which had a terrible effect on the camp, as every nit knows...
His 24-carat princely gilded Grand Carrot held an aural tinge of an oral jest as he flexed the brown flecks off his glistening muscles and kicked his son out in the burning sun to rest...
The point of these lessons do not lessen here hence due to the aforementioned curious tale and fare; but if the bronzed-maned and silver-tailed wood horse vanished would there be any hope for the Prince at the main summer’s fair?
If anything the Prince earns a silver gold medal for the way he could meddle into other’s affairs, he’d be like a bee- real busily- as when he made his maid shoo flies with a shoe off his chair...
Now, was the maid 'shooing flies off his chair' with a shoe? Or shooing flies at random with a 'shoe off his chair'?
Let me have a consul with the Prince to settle this affair... OK, I'm back. He proclaimed that we really shouldn't care...
It was terryble (sic), and pretty sick, too, the way he left his weak lynx at the corner bazaar- he was fined for the links in the locks of his hair while his hare ate the lox for eight weeks, most bizarre...
If you think that was strange the Prince had a pear, or if you prefer, a pair of bad pears with a mysterious guest who would profit from a lie that was easily guessed by the prophet who threw lye on the soap maker’s vest.
For dinner, a bare Prince ate bear-steak with a stake, munched a flower with flour, drank a draught in the draft, then on his mountain of loot strummed his snake-skinned lute as the faun fawned the bard who stares through the barred stairs...
In the end the Prince died with his purple-dyed robes in his royal guard camp which was mourning that morning, they placed his face on a frieze with small ornamental tacks, and his heir did not err with a freeze on the tax- he made everyone here who could hear loudly clap!
Now, was the camp already mourning that fine summer morning? Or were they morning the passing of the Prince in his bed? Did the Prince die wearing robes or just holding them?
Let me consult with the Prince on these all-important matters... OK, I'm back. I forgot, he is dead!
The rest of the story will have to wait- my waist is growing big and my weight is getting great. So as not to grate your nerves or waste more of your time, I’ll strum on this cord the chord of our hour goodbye...
...and while a dear deer knots wiles with not rosemary but thyme, and hot rays raze the tents where the princely thrones were thrown with his royal towed toads and his vile vials of mold, I'll strum on this cord the chord of our hour goodbye: Strum strum strum strum strummmmmm... Goodbye!
Author notes
.................A whimsical homophone bonanza.
Painting: "The Grand Prince Giving a Concert
to His Mistress", by Carl van Loo, 1737
(edit 238)
Written July 17th, 2005
In a list
- Lighter Fare- Some Early Writes • next in list
- Humor- 2005 • next in list
- * lavender shadows • next in list
A contest entry
- Right Write - a homophone challenge by lavender shadows.
300 points, ended July 27, 2005, 8 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
-
Oye, I see this still is not beyond tinkering... and for fun, Google "A Grand Turk Prince" (in quotes) and see what you find...
and might as well mention it here, our one-year anniversary is Saturday!
Edited on Aug 07, 3:44 because 'the Tinker God made me...'. -
coming back to visit my history with you
wow, did I ever do some heavy critiquing back then?!
-
Thanks, sweet, for helping me continue to wrestle with this poem, it's a toughy! My goal is to make it fun to read, not be a complete headache!!!
-
(depending on your attended audience, here are a few suggestions)
now there are dark prints of said sad sweet royal feet
[perhaps make it more clear that you meant footprints]
The 24-carat Grand Turk's Gilded Grand Carrot
[omit or use a different adj. For carrot]
[perhaps split up the 2 homophones that are together to avoid the tongue twist feel (not really nec. just an idea since it happens only once with faun and fawned...the ones atthe end I would leave as is since it happens together)]
Whew you do not give us easy ones to critique
As I overall, enjoyed this and the lil 'consults' you had with the late Prince
Hope this helped some...
-G
-
This was yet another lovely write.. U must ahve worked on this a lot i guess.. Anyway.. hope to read more of ur works.. And thanks for the words
-
Thanks so far to all above who helped- I'm finding it is very difficult to get a piece like this to read smoothly and appear simple!
Edited on Jul 19, 10:14 p.m. because ''. -
This was most amusing, and a pleasure to read though I have to confess to losing the thread at times The flow seemed to be affected in places by line length, and I noted spelling mistakes, however realised why after reading your reply to lavender shadows. Great job, wish you luck (not that i think you need it
-
Most erudite
Just a coupla notes - stanza 2 - affect/verb, effect/noun, you've got them both as nouns. Also, you could have had another (sic) as you spelt carat (as in gold) wrong! Anyhoo, I'm only being pedantic, as this shamed me into not entering! I was compiling a list I could cohesively use and then looked at this - egads it's magnificent, and terribly amusing. Good on yer! xx Rach xx
Edited on Jul 18, 8:02 because 'equals signs did funny stuff to my text!'. -
Great
Goodness! That was something. I have to feel a little sorry for the prince you speak of here. He seems...well...he seems to have a lot of things backwards! It definitely made me smile. Oh yes, and the part where you switch to "he is dead" when you check in with the prince...that made me want to laugh until I cried...of course, the people sleeping in the next room over would probably have my head if I did that. 
Anway, good luck in the contest and great write!
-
That was just insane! I've never seen anything quite like it in my whole poetic life! This definitely deserves gold, my entry is nothing compared to this... Well done on this tremendous write, and you don't need any luck at all in the contest.
-
OK, the "terryble (sic)" thing makes sense to me now, thank you muchly for that explanation! I must say that I ADORE your change with the "OK, I'm back. I forgot, he is dead!". That's hilarious!
-
Well, lavender, some of your suggestions would turn this into a serious piece of poetry! (I, of course, had tongue-in-cheek 'fun' in mind!) and I will have to weigh heavily some of your serious and quality suggestions! (like shortening the wooden horse line!)
-
I see, lavender- was the maid shooing flies off the chair with the shoe, or just simply shooing flies with a 'shoe off the chair', it doesn't really matter, in fact, I think we've created a few more lines! I'll have to work them in!
The 'terryble' (sic) I got from a list of homophones, the 'sic' and the 'sick', so since 'sic' really means 'spelling incorrect' and since everyone just reads 'sic', sic and sick can be said to be homophones, and therefore I had to misspell something to use 'sic'! -
Verrrry good critique, lavender- I see we think alike, too! I have already addressed some of the problems you noted in my 'earlier' (meaning a few minutes ago!) edits! Also, thanks for the several suggestion I know I would not have caught!
Edited on Jul 17, 11:55 because ''. -
Wow! You did a stellar job of incorporating homophones in this without losing its sense! On average, you used about 1.2 pairs (…that has to be an average, doesn’t it!?!) in each line. I love the background and the picture, it really added to my enjoyment whilst reading this. You did a stellar job of telling a story, benefiting from the homophones. Great imagery and descriptions, I could really see the whole thing develop in front of me as I read on.
The following are simply suggestions that I offer, which you may choose to take or leave. I won’t be offended if you disagree completely.
First off, I’m a little confused by your use of the word “terryble” in the line “It was terryble (sic), and pretty sick too”. I tried to look it up, but to no avail. Did you mean “terrible”? If you did indeed mean “terryble”, would you please be able to send me an explanation so that I could fully understand it, thanks!
Overall, the flow seemed pretty good, but at times there were longer lines that seemed to just run-on, especially when read aloud. I am not suggesting that you should use a specific foot in each line of the piece, but to have a little more length consistency to improve the flow. The following are examples that I found throughout the piece and one/more suggestions that I found which may, in my opinion, help it.
(first stanza)
“there are dark prints of royal feet in his favorite tents. ”
Because you already mentioned the word feet (well twice, but once in this same context ), I suggest that you change it to “footprints”. For example:
“there are dark royal footprints in his favorite tents.”
Also, the word “royal” may be superfluous in this case because the reader already knows that the feet in question were the Grand Turk’s, therefore I believe that the omission of that particular word wouldn’t greatly affect the passage.
“there are dark footprints in his favorite tents.”
(third stanza)
“The 24-caret gold Grand Poopah's gold carrot”
Since you mention that this carrot is “24-caret gold”, I don’t feel it necessary to mention that it is a “gold carrot”. I might suggest the use of one of gold’s synonyms instead: amber, aureate, chromatic, metallic, gilded, gilt, etc. (taken from: www.rhymezone.com/r/rhyme.cgi?Word=gold&typeofrhyme=syn&org1=syl&org2=sl) Therefore, I might suggest something more along these lines:
“The 24-caret gold Grand Poopah’s gilded carrot” (but not necessarily that synonym either…)
(fourth stanza)
“but when the wood horse with the golden mane and bronze tail vanished”
When I read this line aloud, it really seemed to me like it ran on forever. I know that the descriptions at the end were for the homophone purpose, therefore I won’t touch those words. Therefore, I supply a couple of options (although some may already be going through your head). The first would be to split this line up into two lines, may something like this:
“but finally when the wood horse vanished,
the one with golden mane and bronze tail,”
Another option might be to simply shorten the line, maybe something like this:
“when the wood horse with golden mane and tail vanished”
(fifth stanza)
“as when he made his maid shoo flies with a shoe off his chair.”
In my opinion, this line is a little misleading due to the misplaced modifier “off his chair”. I believe that something more along these lines may help:
“as when he made his maid shoo flies off his chair with a shoe.”
(eighth stanza)
“then on his mountain of lute play his magical lute”
In this line, the word “play” seems to be somewhat hanging. Who “plays” their magical lute? Since I’m assuming that it’s the Prince, I may suggest something along these lines:
“then on his mountain of lute played his magical lute”
OR
“then on his mountain of loot, he plays his magical lute”
(ninth stanza)
“In the end the Prince died with his purple-dyed robes”
Did he die holding the “purple-dyed robes”; or was he wearing them? If he was wearing them, I might suggest:
“In the end the Prince died in his purple-dyed robes”
“in the camp that was mourning that morning,”
When I read this, I thought “Hmmmmm… that’s kinda funny. Were they going to be mourning anyways, did they know that the Prince was going to die?” Therefore, to clarify this passage if you intend to say that they were mourning the prince that morning, I might suggest something along these lines:
“and that morning the whole camp was mourning”
OR
“and by morning the whole camp was mourning”
(tenth/last stanza)
In this stanza, it almost seemed to me as though the end was at the beginning of the stanza, and the end didn’t quite end properly. Therefore, I find that the ending would be a little more effective if you switched the order of some of the lines, maybe something like this:
“A dear deer knots his wile with rosemary (but not thyme)
And hot rays raze the tent the princely throne was thrown
Along with his towed toads and his vile vials of lime.
The rest of the story will have to wait,
My waist is growing big and my weight is getting great,
And so as not to grate on your nerves or waste any more of your time
I’ll strum on this cord the chord of our hour’s goodbye.”
Proving “it’s” case:
I found that, on several occasion, you used the word “it” superfluously. I find that on several of these occasions, a less vague word may have been found. Here are a couple of examples that I found, and some suggestions I have to offer:
“It's a sad time in the royal guard camp today”
To give a more timely feel to the piece, I suggest:
“’Tis a sad time in the royal guard camp today”
“It was terryble (sic), and pretty sick too
The way he treated his lynx at the corner bazaar,”
I might suggest an interrogatory line here, to question the reader on the Prince’s true temper, like:
“Wasn’t it terryble (sic), and pretty sick too,
the way he treated his lynx at the corner bazaar?”
OVERALL NOTES
This is a really intriguing piece, incorporating such great ideas into a well-developed story. You used great visual effects to draw in the reader, and I must say that you succeeded wonderfully.
Thank you for entering and good luck!
~lavender shadows~
(NOTE: If you make any changes after this critique has been given, please IM me to let me know! Thanks!) -
Very interesting story line.And the background is fasinating too.This must of been a real challenge of a contest.And you've done a fabulous job.~~Suseann
Adding your comment:
1 - 16 of 16
5 old applause
