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The Sleep Soon Drifts to Silver Snows


The sleep soon drifts to silver snows
slipping through ripples of the mind
playing with images of days just flown
and chancing upon a forgotten smile.

A smile bathed in the silvery shade
sipping the fountain of youth of dreams with mirth
then nestles into a crevice made
with a purple rose in the snowy earth.







It teases the slumbering heart with tunes
and pirouettes across the dreamy skies
dancing on clouds of scented blooms
amid he fleeting constructs of the eye.

Too quickly the scene alters its glow
of pleasantries, it bids 'adieu'
a purple rose melts in the silver snow
and the secret smile fades from view.







an edit of
Silver Snow by Razzberry








Author notes

A fleeting dream, a forgotten smile, waking too soon.
Written July 16th, 2005

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Comments

1 - 17 of 17

  • wbiro gold member
    July 22, 2005
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    Thanks again, Razz- it's still different enough from yours that yours can be enjoyed too, even though they are intertwined!


  • Razzberry
    July 22, 2005
    Edit | Reply

    BRAVO

    Sorry that it has taken so long for me to comment on this, but I have had the flu.(yuck) Then when I was able to read it... I was totally blown away with the re-writes. It left me quite speechless literally, (no joke) I didn't know what to say. I feel like I received a personal poetry instructor. What I found so great about this was that you posted each re-write so I could see the gentle step by step process of the edit. This was priceless to me and so much appreciated. I cannot believe how much I learned. You have such a way of making one stop and think about what and how they are writing. Heck your contest itself made me stop think before I could put a poem into it...lol I truly hope that you will have another contest soon and share more of your poetry insight. I'll be sitting on the front row. But don't hold too soon I'm still gong back through and seeing what else I can learn from the other post that you made during the contest... this may take me a while lol
    This is a great poem and is what I was striving for you have penned it quite eloquently. I cannot Thank-you enough.
    Bonnie

  • MbobmarleyF
    July 18, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    The smile... huh. I really like that. i know how many smiles i see around that just light up. mine does once in a while. its good to know that people see that too.ive lost my smile a few times.. it sounds almost like you are trying to get back a smile of some kind. it was a really nice read. well written and nice vocab also. hope to read some more stuff or yours. right back if you choice


  • B Chandler
    July 18, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    sug this has a real good calming sense of feel to this and i liked how easily it flowed off the tongue as if u was drinking water anyways the rhyming and somewhat freeverse method works really well with this write may everything in ur life shine brighter everyday
    -Rae


  • Imokon
    July 17, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    That's quite a breathtaking take on her poem...really gorgeous!

  • wbiro gold member
    July 17, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    thanks for the critique, ecrivain! The o'- well, I imagined the reader's mental lower lip endeavoring to reach the upper teeth, and running out of energy! I've experimented with it both ways, and still can't make up my mind- the 'f' seems to mentally end the line somehow, so you see, it wasn't simply being cute! ♠ (like this spade!)
    Edited on Jul 17, 7:40 p.m. because ''.

  • ecrivain01
    July 17, 2005
    Edit | Reply

    good job

    This is a remarkable write. I love it, although I don't like the o' in the last line. What's wrong with "of"?

    Anyway, all in all, very well done.


  • Blkwidow77 silver member
    July 17, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    Oh, very nice. I like this. Has a Robert Frost type of feel to it. Just soft reflections, you know?

    The background was just really perfect for this piece, so well suited. And I think you did a great job of bringing across the 'fleeting' feeling of the moment in time, and the smile. Well done.

  • buffytheparrotslaye
    July 17, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    This is a pretty,silvery and very light piece that built up a beautiful image.Your choice of words is appropriate clean and clear like newly fallen snow!


  • SexyAngel0418
    July 16, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    THis is cool!!! I really like this one!!! You did a great job with the imagery and vividness!!!

    Hugs,
    Beth


  • Scarlet Ambrosia
    July 16, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    hello to my AP Dad,
    this was a wonderful piece! I enjoyed reading this one! very well written
    Angel


  • SimpleSarcasm
    July 16, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    this is an absolutely wonderful write. So beautiful and sensuous.
    The picture is fantastic. I truly enjoyed this read.

    ~Dee


  • suseann
    July 16, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    Ice Cream and dill pickles can refresh your interupted dreams.Or just give you night mares.Nice smooth flow of inspiration in this .~~Suseann
    Edited on Jul 16, 5:28 p.m. because 'SPELLING ERROR'.

  • Molly Densmore silver member
    July 16, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    this was a very beautiful poem. wonderful imagery and great descripton. I really liked this and found it very lovely to read. thank you for sharing.


  • OneSoul
    July 16, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    Oo, I reallyliked this. It had such a beautiful image and great descriptions. I wasn't quit sure what the meaning of the poem was, but it seems like you might have been using metaphors to describe snow? Well if that's so, I love your ideas in this. A brilliant and creative poem. Oh, and one more thing...I've been considering featuring one of my poems, btu I don't really understand what featuring does. Do you gain points from it, or lose them? I'm just confused lol..if you could explain it, I would greatly appreciate it. Well anyway, wonderful poem!


  • ricochet rabbit
    July 16, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    I liked: the descriptions. You did a good job of creating imagery -- imagery that gets inside my head. All told, I had fun reading this.

    I disliked: "whisting through chambers of the mind" -- you misspelled "whistling". The font was too light for the background. Also, I think you were writing in an unnatural dialect.

  • DrivingTheLamb
    July 16, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    Not bad. Familiar themed poem. But still good nonetheless. Keep on plugging. Definatly enjoyable

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