When heart of me be despot,
Solation overwhelms my Serbonian mind.
On shoal of sand I take me there,
To lie in tamarisk bed of natures hand.
With tearful sighs and wave’d cries
I listen to the tread of Minoan feet,
Then linger there in storied state,
My eyelids torn by armies stood at yonder gate.
A lucid lullaby dances then on trilobite shores,
And spirit is no more awash with hearts resort.
For still, invisible forces may me rest.
That I might once again be filled with awe.
A contest entry
- Abstract PW allowed by BigE.
400 points, ended February 16, 2008, 21 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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This is exceptional, The script is so original.
A refreshing read.
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A lovely poem, such wonderful rich imagery. A great piece, best of luck in the contest with it
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Could you also tell me what the poem means to you?
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When i wrote this poem I felt at home.
It is me i think somewhere deep within the past.
The man in the poem a soldier, weary of battle, and wishing to perceive that there is more than just the power of Kings.
He alones himself from the battle he knows is to come.
And maybe then his own death within it?
So he rests upon the trilobite shores, amongst rocks that are a older than time itself. And amongst life that no longer exists.But there proof remains.
He wishes to be remembered, and his life to be of purpose.
And in this place he finds solace, peace, and a prayer, that the Gods smile upon him. For his life not as he wishes it to be, only as a pawn to be used for others power.
He seeks the power that will at last bring him belief.
The trilobite shores are the reality of immortality.
And here he weeps in awe!
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This is a great piece of writing. Usually when people use big words in their poetry it sounds a bit tacky, but every word in this poem is in it's place. Great job, thank you for entering.
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Wow, full of big words and metphors. Thanks for that
A very very very creative write
Thanks for entering in
Please message or let me know which AP family member you would like to be if you get a winning place
Cindy
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This had a melodic cadence to it. The final stanza is the strongest in my opinion. Thank you for entering the contest.
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For still, invisible forces may me rest.
this poem is of old, really old. The past that is within you, but when you wrote I don't think you really understood the depth of this piece. You seem to have a good hold on what you penned but the under line is so much more deep. Well done.
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In answer to your very thought provoking critic upon my poem (Trilobite Shores.)
I first thought of retaliation because of the language that you used within its content
Which I think in essence was designed to provoke me. Words like (FUCK! AND SHIT!)
Hardly the words of a respected educated critic.
But on digesting your thoughts and comments upon my verse.
I began to see the truth, of why it is you were so harsh a critic.
The simple reason being you did not understand the poem at all.
And the fact that it perplexed you and you did not like being confused.
Because you see your opinions and yourself to be of a higher intellect.
And there lies the crux of why in fact I am pleased with your comments, apart from the swearing which shows no intellect at all, and neither would a renowned critic of any stature ever use it.
No I think you are just a bright man trying to be clever and articulate.
So to the point of all of this.
You asked people to enter their best work, I thought long and hard on this as to which of my poems was my best work.
So in the end I entered with Trilobite shores, simply because it was the simplest write I had ever done, with the simplest meaning within its content.
I entered it because simple is the BEST!
And your reaction to it overwhelmed me, simply because you as a self made critic truly do not understand the simplicity within its content. Simply because you think with your brain, and confuse and blind yourself to any meaning that is written from the heart.
And poetry after all I truly believe should be written from the heart.
Or else it would not be poetry.
He that stands in understanding yet does not understand truly should not be a critic.
What was that line in your criticism to me?
(I quote)
(I am sure most people would look at that and go, isn’t he clever?)
Well I suppose the same could be said about you.
Just because you seem to have a command over English language,
And come across as articulate, does not mean that you are clever, or understand.
It just makes people think that you are, and do.
But thank you for your comments anyway.
And I truly hope that in the future your understanding of both poetry and people will become more sensitive, and enlightening to yourself.
Keith.
Oh by the way Trilobite means.Any of numerous extinct marine arthropods of the class Trilobita, of the Paleozoic Era, having a segmented body divided by grooves into three vertical lobes and found as fossils throughout the world.
A fossilised shoreline was my meaning nothing to do with crabs.
Edited on Aug 31, 12:12 because ''. -
“When heart of me be despot,, solation overwhelms my serbonian mind”
I am sure most people would look at that and go, isn’t he clever? I unfortunately think, isn’t he full of shit! My language skills would interpret what you have said
My heart be a cruel ruler with absolute power while my brain has gone from a gel to a suspended solid in a liquid with the help of gelatine (and then, just in case I missed it the first time – I repeat it) and this overwhelms your bog like mind that looks like a solid but is really a bog?
What the fuck? You have to be shitting me, who writes like that? This is what I would describe as ‘serbonian’ poetry – poetry that from a distance looks solid but really is a bog. This is just a pretentious piece of bollocks with a very slightly redeeming last stanza
A lucid lullaby dances then on trilobite shores.
And spirit is no more awash with hearts resort.
For still, invisible forces may me rest.
That I might once again be filled with awe.
This is actually lovely writing, although “crab” (trilobite) shores (or maybe you are a barnacle) is distracting and unnecessary unless you have an overwhelming urge to write like Milton or some other archaic soul. My advice is DON’T as you come across as an utter wanker writing in this style. I thought this was neither metaphor, interesting or clever- just serbonian! Thanks for entering and it is evident you can obviously write, its whether you can fully engage your reader that is the trick and to do that I would suggest you at least try being more exoteric in your approach and delivery and much sharper to the phonetics of the piece. The double whammy of esoterically clashing sounds is not a good approach to literature.
David
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I love it you have a great talent. This poem draws a person in and really makes you go wow. Thanks for entering.
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Fair job!
This poem is very discriptive and sets the stage, plays the act and closes it up very well in only three stanzas.
Good job. -
Your vocabulary, the choice of words, and the excellent way you put it all together really blew my away. "Solation overwhelms my serbonian mind." I loved this- had to look up serbonian- and you did the line perfectly. The idea of a mind, looking deceptivly like solid line- but in reality a lake.. the idea is beautiful enough in nature, but you totally took this to a new level...
as arielle said, thank you for confusing me. My frantic flipping through the dictionary (okay, I used dictionary.com, same differance) was well rewarded, as I came to understand this enough to love it, but I'm still confused enough not to have lost the wonder you created. -
Bravo! Standing in Applause
There are titles that simply beg to be read and this was NO disspointment.
WOW.
and I see we as a poeple have not changed much since that time.....
Excellent piece. Your use of language is exceptional. Well done. ~Pam
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Thankyou for your comment Ava Noire I really find it enlightening. Thankyou.
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I apologize for not commenting on this sooner. I have read it several times and thought I had ALREADY COMMENTED. But as you know it is difficult to make time to do all the things one must do, as for me I am a full time student, a mother of a 2 year old, not to mention I 've been very ill as well. So my mind has been a bit scrambled.
In the first line I do not think you need "then," after despot. I think just ending that line with despot would suffice.
I think the third and fourth lines could be broken down like:
On shoal of sand I take me there,
to lie in tamarisk bed of natures hand.
That way the form looks polished. "I take me there," sounds alittle confusing. I think you could say "I go there." Just a suggestion.
The last stanza was my favorite. I couldn't think of anything to suggest there. But I think a bit of work to the previous two stanzas could make this poem a good one.
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Excellent
This is the most difficult to understand poem I have come across on allpoetry. I like the surreal, distant air of the words. Very very good. -
Wow, your diction, connotation, and metaphor here are brilliant! And I'm flabbergasted to see that it was written for my contest, which is a very great feat as I find it much easier to just submit pre-writes
! I must admit, that I looked up some of the key words such as 'trilobite' which i had heard before and 'tamarisk' whihc I had not. The word 'Minoan' reminded me of something that I might have heard in the bible, and sure enoguh, upon consulting Merriam-Webster the word related to times during the Bronze Age. This piece was very difficult to digest. I saw that it was under the category of 'Hope', so I attempted to read it in that light. This is quite a conundrum of a poem. I can understand it at times but then I'm completely lost. Thank you for severely confusing me!
Arielle Giselle
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