Hum a sour little tune
As feet shuffle over cracked pavement
spotted with dog drops and dead leaves
which splinter when you step on them
Think about lazy summer days
when green turns brown and even dandilions wilt
and the sun plays a drum solo on your forehead
Thoughts quicken and so do feet
going faster now with the sweeping of blind eyes
over dead grass and roadkill which lines the asphalt
Stand alone in the middle of that asphalt
one foot on either side of the yellow line,
humming your stale tune
and focus on more important things
Like the marshes before you
filled with dying hope
unsaid words
and the whisperings of false promises
Tell yourself these things don't matter
Then close your eyes and shuffle home...
Author notes
Something I wrote very, very late last night. Needs help, lots of help. In fact, needs a form, which is what I'm working on putting to it as of now. I was just thinking about how funny it was that when you're not in the best of moods, things you look at and enjoy looking at every single day seem ugly. It's funny how your perspective gets so twisted.
Anyway, comments would be appreciated while I'm still doing some major editing. I have hope for this if I can actually put a form to it.
Thanks for reading,
Amanda
Written July 11th, 2005
What did you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Glad ya think so, enough to let me know. Thanks,
Amanda -
interesting...very interesting. i like it. different. good job with this. enjoyed. was worth the read.
Blu -
haha, glad there's something good in it. If I weren't so lazy I'd have it in shape already. But as is, I"m going to let it sit and mold for awhile before I figure out how to make it new and fresh and pretty.
Glad that you enjoyed it some anyway,
Amanda -
a natural feel
OK so the form could use a bit of work....but really just tweaking over all its pretty good.
What I really like is the matter of factness of the lines and the images they create...Awsome job at that!!!! -
Hey, when's the last time I ever listened to you Mr.Hasn't Written Since May?
This counts lots, it's my got-up-at midnight-and-slapped-words-on-paper crapfest.
Form is good when it makes something read-worthy...I think. Thanks for the comment hon
Amanda -
You only wrote this because I made fun of you for having not written anything since like March or something. This doesn't count, I had to force you to do it!
Also, form is stupid. Just throw lines about randomly and call it your own form. Worked for Picasso.
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Rous: Will do, thanks for the interest.
Amanda -
dragonfly001: Thanks much for the suggestions, it's honestly comments like that that keep me from deleting poems right away lol. I'll work on what you say, love the idea of "snap" though. Thanks again,
Amanda -
This has great potential. You are right, it needs work, but the premise is very good. Let me know when it is finished.
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In all honesty- i really like wher this poem is going, yes i can see its not in it's finished state, but nonetheless it is getting thre.
you have some great and strong lines but they are then let down by a washed out previous or successing sentence i.e "spotted with dog crap and dead leaves
which crackle when you squash them" i liked the first line then i felt these lines took away from the powerful "Hum a sour little tune" i might of changed the word 'crackle'in the first stanza to splinter or snap as i echos the sounds of the 's's'in squash, anyway hun it really does have great potential so keep going and i love to see the final poem, good luck, sue xxx
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