Goodbye Our Angel
By Charles Marks
Goodbye to Pine city's own
Your no longer in any pain
As you move forward to the stairway of heaven
Galloping your way into the sunset as you past the pearly gates
Riding for one more day in your kingdom of heaven
As we grow, we all will know the real you.
A real American woman who was loyal and true.
A superhero who knew and could do it all too.
A mother to more than a few.
When the blue skies are no longer around, I'll look for you
Knowing today is my last "I love you"
Its not too easy to adjust or ingest.
But I do trust that god will be faithful too you.
As the years gone too soon.
Feels so much like yesterday when I first met you.
For sometime now,
I've known you as my aunt,
But to be really true
You were the mother every child wished they had including myself
And a angel to all who knew you in so many ways.
A loving special caring mother.
A well respected friend.
A wonderful sister and daughter.
And not to mention a wonderful, caring, loving wife.
Today and tomorrow will be a new.
Knowing that your in a better place filled with grace.
High above watching and protecting all of us
Until it's our time to be lifted and join you in that holy land.
You'll always be in my heart that will never be apart.
The memories we have shared will a lifetime.
And my love to you my aunt will never be the same
Until the day I'm at the pearly gates.
Rest In peace my good, old friend
And God Bless...
Goodbye our angel
Author notes
Written on 6-28-05 when my aunt died from cancer in a fight shes been in for 22 years I hope u enjoy it Cause i do !!
Written July 7th, 2005
A contest entry
- Starting Again by Sia.
600 points, ended January 19, 2008, 26 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - As Real As The Lies You Whispered Under Your Breath by Heartbeatsxfading.
300 points, ended January 29, 2008, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 75 of 75
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Thanks for entering!!!!
This was a beautiful write. Your aunt sounds like she was a wonderful and strong woman. Good luck in the contest ^_^ @>}- -
wow your very talented and that poem was awsome i loved it
<3 diamond -
good write,i liked this part the best
Knowing today is my last "I love you"
Its not too easy to adjust or ingest.
But I do trust that god will be faithful too you.
that even thought you have to say good bye you know shes in good hands.keep up the good work.oxox -
I liked this poem! It had a lot of emotion! Good write!
And i love you lolz jk -
I'll warn you in advance that I am a little critical at places here, but I'm not a nasty guy. Hear me through please.
You do not need this before your poem:
Goodbye Our Angel
By Charles Marks
You are just repeating the title and that is unnecessary. If you want to add your personal name the best place to put this is at the end of your poem, because then your name will have a greater effect on the reader who will associate what they have just read to your real name. At least, it seems to work better that way for poetry.
In the first line "city's" should be capitalized I believe. Just like "city" is capitalized in Salt Lake City, so should "city" be capitalized if Pine City is the full proper name.
In line 2 "your" is grammatically incorrect. It should be: "You're"
Line 2 & 3 are also very cliché.
In line 4 "past" creates a change in tense and makes the reader's read a little awkward. You should always pick a tense and try and stick with it throughout the poem to avoid confusion.
In line 6 watch your word order "we all will know" is improper word order here and makes the line read awkwardly. The word "all" should come after “will” here.
In the second stanza you start doing all kinds of rhyming which disrupts your free-style prose. It doesn't really work, especially since you have so many weak rhyming "you"s. You seem to try forcing your lines through out the poem to end in certain ways, but you really don’t have to do that. The best way to avoid this is to write it how you would say it and not as how you think will make it more poetically appropriate. It takes along time to get one’s head around that, but the more you write how speak, the less forced poetry will be.
Line 12 "Its" should be "It's" and the word "ingest" is not a very good word choice here. . . There is no point or benefit in using the word “ingest” – it’s just really not a good word to use here.
Line 13 You do not need the "But" to start this line and "god" should be capitalized as "God" unless you mean a pagan god, which I believe in this case you do not.
Lines 20 & 24 do not need the "and" which starts them.
Line 26 "your" should be "you're"
In general this poem needs a lot of work and could be much better. Your sentiment is at least partially felt, but you try to impress the reader with far too many clichés, words and phrases that you think the reader will want to hear rather than really telling the reader how you are affected in total honesty and sincerity.
I'm actually surprised that no one else has actually tried to help you edit this work. I hope my suggestions help you. You have a good start, but this poem does need a lot of work.
It's clear you love your aunt very much. It's clear you mean to write from your heart, but your heart's message is clouded with a lot of words that are not truly you, but words you've heard. Watch out for that.
I’ve had/ have two aunts now who have cancer – one’s of the bone marrow type and may not have long to live and the other’s is in remission right now. Cancer is just not fun. It takes a lot of courage to write on such a subject and you've gotten a lot of applause for that already. Please understand that I wish to encourage you to better your poem and your skills as a poet in general. I believe in helping and encouraging others to grow as writers. I may seem mean or harsh at times, but that is because I try so hard to be honest and fair. You’ll find if you’re heart is really in it, if you keep the passion despite the challenges to your writing, despite the criticism, if you can keep it up, you can only get better.
I'm not the best writer in the world, I have a lot to learn myself, but when it comes to editing, I'm very reliable.
God bless you and your family. Remember He is there and does watch over you. So does your aunt. Isn't it the greatest thing in the world to know and think that God smiles down on you, that He cares and watches over you and reminds you of His love even in the greatest moments of despair and death? There is life and there is God! Thank God there is a God! (I think we all should.)
Your aunt does in fact wait for you Charles to join her up there with the Big guy. Thanks be to God! Alleluia and Amen.
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I see you've hit a list of 'gold members' for comments! I don't know it that's spamming or not, but no biggie, comment requests are still quite rare!
OK, for me it didn't do anything- but I attribute that to my not having any experiences similar to compare it to (and a cold heart)!
I do have a general suggestion, drawn from the great depth of my wisdom- as you grow as a writer (and we all do!) go back and look at it for possible improvements. In fact, I myself just made edits to something I wrote a long while ago, having reread it and finding some spots where the reader would have bogged down, or worse, stopped reading altogether! The work on a piece should never end...
Edited on Jul 24, 11:21 because ''. -
OMG tis is wonderful poem!!!!!!!!1
it brings tears to my eyes
you have great talent
luv dd
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wow....you have great talent!!....i loved it!! strong personal loving emotion in this write!!.....keep up the awesome work kiddo!!! check ya later.
peace and love
-Jana- xxx -
This is trully a touching tribute to your aunt. Obviously the personal emotions conveyed come from a personal knowledge of well loved and respected woman.
Sincerely,
Leo Long -
Well...since youve asked me to comment...
the content is obviously deeply personal and heartfelt. She truly must have been a very special person.
as for form and function of the piece. You used "you" quite alot, and rhymed with "you" quite alot. This seems to take away from the emotion as it becomes a bit repetitve in rhyme.
there are also a few grammatical errors and perhaps a missing word from time to time.
My suggestion to you is to read it aloud a few times to find the cadence it requires as well.
write on! -
Deep sadness
A very personal account no doubt, and it shows much loe, depending on circumstances, naturally, we can accept it, with difficulty of course, but sometimes, I feel something other than has happened, In my poem "welcome to my World", it speaks of the after life, and if you hadn't mentioned your meeting with them at the pearly gates, I'd say, combine this with mine, and I sure there will be an outcome to all this, with the addition of best wishes from all of us! Heartfelt like no other! -
This is a beautiful tribute to someone you truly loved. The content is very good and shows great ability to reveal what is in your heart and on your mind.The rhyme and rhythem is also very good.
Linda
Edited on Jul 24 because ''. -
Wow, this relates to something me and my friend were talking about earlier. He said it sucked to lose someone like that, and I said, "yeah, would you be mad if I died," "SHUT UP...I don't want to think of that." Lol, but that's a little besides the point. I guess it's a shared sentiment of how people feel when they lose or think of losing someone special. Oh yeah, on the 2nd line in the first stanza, you spelled "you're" wrong. When you say you are, you're supposed to use you're and not YOUR. But other than that, the writing was well structured. Thanks for introducing me to the poem.
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Your poem is beautiful and couldn't be anymore filled with truth,for when our maker is ready we go,I lost my baby brother from cancer over a year ago and he said ya you'll forget all about me.I promised him when I seen him that last day no I won't I was painting an angel for him on my wall and when I finished her I got the phone call he past on.Luckily before that by a day or so he called me and asked If I'd call my pastor and have him come up there to him with me at 11pm and we did.So I know where he is and it actually makes me happy for i don't see him suffering.I wrote a poem about him called God Hears All You should check it out.Don't change a thing it's beautiful and from your heart.
Brandy3 -
Excellent and Emotional and Wonderful
Wonderful and heartfelt as you do have away with words and such a wonderful mind and awesome eye for details
Write on!!
Thank you so much for sharing this with me
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A very emotional write.. You did an exceptional job on expressing every line perfectly. I understand how you feel... because i've been through something so similar...
Great write
Much love & Stay strong
Ashley -
kick ass!
It was kick ass! -
HIya,
This is amazing
I loved it
you have a gr8 talent!
All my best!
Keep up d awesome poetry!
God Bless You And May He Stand By You When You Need Him Most!
XxSarahxX AKA XxJellyBeanxX AKA XxMartin_LoverxX -
Excellent
awwwwww! i loved it. very sorry for your loss. keep writing! -Jillian- -
this is a great poem i loved it from start to finish
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Awww..Very cute!!!...sad but good..Keep it up!~..Chessy!~
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aww this is really good work!
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Oh my God, this is beautiful!!! It's so sad!!! I'm so sorry about your aunt; she seemed like a remarkable person. It's terrible how we lose the ones closest to us, isn't it??? Well, like you said, you'll see each other again. This was an inspirating piece, and thank you for promoting it. Most people don't like when people do it, but I thought this was a spectacular poem. Outstanding job!!!
~Taylor <3 -
Oh my God, this is beautiful!!! It's so sad!!! I'm so sorry about your aunt; she seemed like a remarkable person. It's terrible how we lose the ones closest to us, isn't it??? Well, like you said, you'll see each other again. This was an inspirating piece, and thank you for promoting it. Most people don't like when people do it, but I thought this was a spectacular poem. Outstanding job!!!
~Taylor <3 -
wow how sad but so beautiful!! i like it because it's like your thinking/saying she's gone but i can still live on this is how i feel kinda thing. but the poem was very beautiful. sorry about your loss, i can tell she was special.
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Moving
This is full of love,passion,emotion and beauty. On the other hand, it is very moving and sad.... I am sorry for your loss. I lost my aunt recently to. I think your aunt is looking down from heaven and is really proud of you... This is a wonderful tribute to her. This poem left me speechless at the end of it. I was actually very close to tears!
"As you move forward to the stairway of heaven
Galloping your way into the sunset as you past the pearly gates
Riding for one more day in your kingdom of heaven" Are my favourite lines... They are so beautiful
You are such a talented poet....If you have not had the funeral yet, I think you should read it out as It is amazing. Tonight, I will say a prayer for her and I hope she rests in peace.
Love
Channie
xoxoxoxox
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This was a beautiful poem! I am sorry for your loss, but I am sure that your aunt loves this poem. Maybe heaven has given her the power of omnipresence and she can watch over you to make sure that you are all right! I bet that god showed her your poetry and she is in tears of joy and sadness because of its beauty! I hope that all is well, and that your aunt is blessed!
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that was beautriful keep on writing
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it's very heartfelt.....but kind of trite at times. it's a nice tribute.
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this was real sweet and you did such a great job. and im sorry she passed away. but keep up the great job -aby
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awsome
awwww this is realy great you are such a great writer i bet you realy miss her you did so great keep it up 
k
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How sad!!! I'm sorry about your aunt, but I'm glad that you are able to cope through poetry. That is a wonderful gift. She must be very proud to have such a lovely poem dedicated to her, and she sounds like a wonderful lady.
Although I liked this poem, there were a couple places that sounded a bit wordy, like the line "You were the mother every child wished they had including myself" for example. But I also saw some mistakes in grammar, conventions, etc.
In the first line, should the word "city" be capitalized? I don't know the full name of the town, but it seems like "Pine City" is one name and needs full capitalization. Also, in the line "Your no longer in any pain" the word "your" should be "you're", or preferably "you are". In the line "Galloping your way into the sunset as you past the pearly gates" the word "past" should be "pass". I'd also watch your use of apostrophes... And in the line "But I do trust that god will be faithful too you." the word "too" should be "to". "A" should be "an" in the line "And a angel to all who knew you in so many ways."
There were some other small things, but I don't want to nag, so I would just suggest proofreading more carefully to avoid these tiny little errors.
Great write, hun! -
A very heartfelt tribute to your aunt. A few minor things though: I think you meant 'god will be faitful "to" you; "an" angel, and at the begining "your" should've been "you're no longer in pain." Anyway, sorry for the knit-picking, but I would've wanted to know...Again it is a very sweet dedication to your aunt. Personally, I've written several eulogy poems for close friends and family and they are never easy because you are so close to the subject but you did a very nice job here, showing your personal connection but also giving something more universal for the rest of us to identify with.
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Wow!!!!! this poem is really sad but a great piece of work great job!!!!
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Aww. This an amazing poem and I'm glad I found it. It is very emotional you was extremely well written. I'm glad I found it because it was done by such an amazing poet. It's people like you that put talent on this website. Your beautiful and inspiring and I hope you keep on writing. Once again,Amazing job.
Grey <3 -
this was a beautiful poem.. so full of love, and so full of emotion, it was interesting from the first word and kept me reading.. i loved your choice of words, ,, they showed how you feel.. it taked a true poet to express not only their thoughts, but also their feelings, and you did great
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Very well written.. I'm sorry for your loss.. This was a beautiful poem.. Thank you so much for sharing.. It's sad but sometimes the saddest things make for the best writes.. I wish you well and I hope you keep writing.. You are talented..
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Very beautifully written and it touched my heart. I loved this what a great job!!! I so enjoyed it. thank you so much for sharing this wonderful piece.
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Charles,
Hey good job man! I haven't talked to you in like forever! I've missed it... I have been busy I moved out of my moms and live with my dad... We should write another poem together... well hope ya reply back!
~!~Manda~!~ -
This was so beautiful, It made me think of my grandparents, and my best friend`s father, I will always miss them, this poem cheers me up slightly, because it says that there is life after death, I like to believe that our lives here is judgement for the real lives we`re waiting for, if that makes since. But this poem is very sweet, sorry for your loss, keep writing your very talented.
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Beautiful write. You expressed your feelings well. I am sorry for your loss. The only thing you might want to fix is "your" in the second line. It should be the contraction "you're". Good job with this one. I enjoyed the read.
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I'm sorry about your loss of your Aunt. This is a beautifully written poem, and I'm defently glad I checked it out. Beautiful words, obviously for a beautiful soul that still lives on.
LaLa -
Very beautiful write! I loved it, a wonderful way to honor your aunt, and other past cancer patients.
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That was beautiful. What a perfect tribute to your aunt, and all cancer patients who've died. You articulated your emotions well, and it flowed perfectly. It was wonderful!
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I think this was a good poem. It was full of emotion and it is written very well. Im sorry to hear about your aunt and keep up the good work.
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to know one so dear as she is to know a treasure as the years grow and see she is the golden one of the family that wil always be a great memory and treasure in your eyes and heart.
peace be with you always -
Aww, I found this to be quite moving. I loved it, you did a good job expressiong emotion from a good heart. I loved it, amazing.
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Wow this was really good although I am not a goddly person. It was full of emotion and pain...I think. It was really good though I loved the two lines: And a angel to all who knew you in so many ways. and the line: Knowing today is my last "I love you" yes yes very good. It was great. Keep on writing.
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This is a really beautiful write .. amazing ... deeply heartfelt .. i know how you feel and i'm sure everyone does ... my aunt had died but it was suddenly .. come to find out she had a heart tumor .. and no one knew it ... great job at writing this
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Great work!
Nice, but touching and sad poem full of great memories. Good bless your aunt, and you because of this lovely poem for the last Goodbye
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that is sweet and sad all wrapped up into one awesome poem! i could really feel your emotions coming through!!
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Such a deeply emotional and personal write, your pain and hope balanced through your exquisite words. It is hard when you lose a loved one, but in time the pain will cease and the you'll bask in the memories you created with her. I hope to read more from you soon, Keep writing hun -Heather
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What a beautiful tribute. You wrote this so well that I couldn't help but tear up reading it. I am sorry for your loss. I hope you always hold those memories close to you.
Cherry -
This is a real nice poem about the love you and your aunt had.sad as it is the time will come when the pain is less and the memeories will be all that is left,hold them as close as you can,write them down in side your poems,memories also have a way of getting lost over time.this poem holds lots of love and it tells me how much your auntie is loved,very good poem.
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Everyone can relate to this, and if they can't, I feel sorry for them. We all have someone in our lives, that has left us too soon. Very moving write.
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very nice tribute,
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As we grow, we all will know the real you.
A real American woman who was loyal and true.
A superhero who knew and could do it all too.
A mother to more than a few.
When the blue skies are no longer around, I'll look for you
Knowing today is my last "I love you"
Its not too easy to adjust or ingest.
But I do trust that god will be faithful too you.
As the years gone too soon.
Feels so much like yesterday when I first met you.
For sometime now,
I've known you as my aunt,
But to be really true
You were the mother every child wished they had including myself
And a angel to all who knew you in so many ways.
A loving special caring mother.
A well respected friend.
A wonderful sister and daughter.
And not to mention a wonderful, caring, loving wife.
I wanted to repeat this to make sure that everyone can see what a wonderful person she was.
Great work. -
this is good work keep it up
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A Heart is a poem.
It is the story of a sacred love which is really beautifull and innocent with a golden heart and a enlighted emotions and feelings. Such a great write with a deep philosophies of love and its divine strength. The emotions have been brought with in from the deep of the heart. A great work.The flow of the write too is awesome.I really appreciate this work..prabhudayal khattar -
This is so kind. It is full of love, and it makes me feel so happy to read such a loving poem. It also is a good poem in the artistic sense. Thankyou for your poem.
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WONDERFUL...BEAUTIFUL...you are amazing and this was very awesome to read...keep up the great work charles...she sounds like a wonderful person...and it is sad to see a good person go...god knows we need more good people on this earth!
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awesome
hey charles omg i loved this so much!!!! this is one of your really kick ass poems i have never had to go through this myself but anyways i loved this poem everything was perfect. man this is really good!!! great job keep it up my homie!
-Jenn -
What a wonderful tribute to a lady who put up a great fight,I could certainly feel the strong bond you had and the kind way she trated all.
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Excellent tribute... u obviously cared for this woman so much with such a great amout of passion!!! excellent write. it really got to me... it was a nice idea to honor someone... keep up the good work!
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Wow, good poem, really heartshaking.
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Oh my so sad already, first thing in the morning. Wonderful tribute to someone so dear. You made me misty eyed. Sorry for your loss.
Such an endearing write.
~Dee -
This is a very nice tribute to someone you obviously loved a great deal. I think it is wonderful to honor those we care so much about. it sounds like your aunt fought a valiant battle...and was surrounded by love to support her in her fight.
very touching
UB
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beautiful
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excellent
What a beautiful write to someone you hold dear to your heart. So touching the way you put this all together. You blessed and your hand is touched. She is where there is no pain or suffering anymore, with her loving God forever more> -
For someone who has seen too many loved ones leave life's rocky road - this personified all the grief and brought back happy memories. Rememberance is immortality. - Thank you for sharing.
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Sweet
I hate cancer.No really. I'm about 97% likeely to get cancer considering everyone in my family has died of some form of cancer. > anywho back on topic I like this sweet endearing dedication poem. I'm sure that she finds peace
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This is the most wonderful poem written on the sufferings from cancer. Yes, full of hope and joy, that your aunt is no more in pain. I loved this a lot, even I couldn't do this so well. (check mine "the dialogue", to know what I am saying. May your aunt's soul rest in peace, and may perpetual light shine upon her.
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This was so obviously from personal experience, but more than that, it was from somewhere deep down in you.
Jeez, I almost feel guilty giving constructive critisism, but being the insensitive person I am, I have to.
A few parts rhymed where I don't think a rhyme belonged. It may have been a choice. That's fine. But stylistic choices that don't work with the technicality of the poem will be lost, so be careful. Just keep proofreading and editing and changing, because you have a piece that could be magnificent on your hands.
Also, because I'm anal, some "your"s and "too"s were wrongly used, and "past" should have been "passed" in one instance in the beginning. Sorry, I had to.
Keep writing -
Wow, a sweet and amazingly well written poem. I am impressed and in awe. You need to keep writing and may the gods bless this woman who passed on. Keep writing and may the gods bless you and yours.
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this is a wonderful tribute to a woman you obviously adored and loved I was told I had terminal cancer 9-2002 but I was lucky that other ummm 'sources" got rid of it very well penned great job!!
love and light
blaze
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