This lie -- in honesty I must profess,
But scarcely raise the truth, much less atone
For years we spent such moments of duress:
No longer love can leave this farce alone.
All days and nights my hopes fade fast to dust,
A lie paints thick its portrait as it deems,
And though a dream bore power over fate,
A nightmare brought lies power over dreams.
This life I live -- wrought free from my poor grasp;
This air I breathe -- this breath -- not quite my own;
These hands -- these fingers borne, no longer clasp;
My bed laid out in house, but not in home.
This love -- this life -- this one who loves no life :
This lie we lead can make no man and wife.
Author notes
Written July 5th, 2005
In a list
What did you think
Comments
1 - 24 of 24
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I quite enjoy the fact that you chose to take on the responsibility of a sonnet, and that is what a sonnet is, a challenge with responsibility. For it is quite difficult in my opinion to tackle an interesting sonnet and still have good flow...yet low and behold...you have. I enjoyed this peice thouroughly, and I am quite impressed!
GOOD-LUCK!!
~
Peace and Love ~
Cj
x0x0x0x -
Written well.
The last comment about an unhappy marriage was a unique but then accurate description and written well. Truly a piece to make one think indeed. -
Hi , thought I had read this one, a very good write the flow is very smooth and the feel is great, sad life is often like this,an excellent poem, all the best Di
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this is kick butt..good luck in the contest you so deserve to win!!!
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A lovely English sonnet in iambic pentameter (just how they are supposed to be!) Flawless and with a message of sad and lonely love. Wonderfully well written sonnet.
starlighthour -
I really like this one, extremely well written. It made me want to re-read it a few times, which can only be a good thing. I particularly liked the couplet:
"And though my dreams bore power over fate :
My nightmare brought lies power over dreams"
Good stuff! -
I don't really have a lot to do with sonnets. But this one seemed to have all the workings, and in the right places too! Fancy that.
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This poem rang truth from every word. I especially like the lines
"My nightmare brought lies power over dreams.
This life itself wrought free from my poor grasp;"
I felt they were universal and oh so true. Nice work.
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A sonnet is not an easy format to use, you did it well, and produced a very powerful piece of work.
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the length of this poem is a function of the formal style it is written in. In this case, a sonnet. Keep an eye out for them. They are great fun to write and read.
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Really great write .. it was short ... but very powerful and filled with emotions, also showing great imagery .. I loved it .. keep up the good work
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You chose a very complex, older style form for this piece. Not such an easy feat, but I think you ran well with it. The piece itself is rather vague as to circumstance for the 'shred of the veil', so to speak, but I gather that you have your reasons for doing so.
Either way, it was rather eloquent, and good luck in the contest. -
Best I've read.
I've always been fascinated at the ability of great writers to cement such great emotion and imagery into a poem as complex to write as the sonnet. You did not dissappoint.
I loved your opening. It drew me in very well. It showed a measure of guilt, which we all can relate to, as well as an intriguing image of independence and self-confidence. Atoning for your actions is a great standard to live by. Only you decide your destiny, nobody else.
The second quatrain was extremely interesting to me, as it posed the most artistic viewpoint of the entire sonnet. While we as human beings strive for power by dominating our enemies with a somewhat Machiavellan (sp?) attitude, true power lies in the ability to conquer our fears deep within ourselves.
The final quatrain summed up this poem very nicely. Power and glory it seems, are to sweet for most to endure and we feel them slip out of our grasp no matter how tightly we clench our fists.
As I mentioned before, good sonnets simply fascinate me. I know from experience that they are simply devastating to write and they drain you both emotionally as well as physically. I applaud your efforts in this marvelous piece of work. Very well done. These applause are very well deserved.
~The Sleepless One~
P.S.
I have donated 150 points to you for use in your fascinating contest. May the best writer win. -
Hi, great sonnet, the feel is very great, the flow is good, I got out in time to save my sanity, will you? sometimes we write the best things in moments like this, this is a great sonnet, I wish it had had a happy ending but I still cling to that dream, well written it has everything that a good sonnet should have, all the best,hugs, Di
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Interresting that my poem would compare to yours. I personally don't really question my love for my husband, I just wish he would smile more often. I guess he is comfortable enough with me to frown...so much burdens his heart.
Red -
Superb
WOW...I reread your poem and your revisions have been of great success
The flow, message and emotion is all there. Beautifully conveyed and I think you should be most pleased with this.
Sorry if I seemed so anal
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Great
Wow..
This poem is so powerful, it's so strong. I was reading.. and I just got the feeling that I was reading a novel but it was only a few lines. I know that sounded bad, but I love how you wrote so little but said so much.
I don't know what else to say about this.. I'm so in awe of how you captured your feelings, how I know exactly what you mean but would have never have thought about putting it in words like that! It's creative genious at it's best. -
I'm not sure what you mean by the absence of an article in line 4. There is an article "This". Do you have a suggestion?
What I tried to express behind the last line is an intentional break from the word "man and wife". They do not retain their own identity if their entire lives are being destroyed. Anyway.. that is the meaning I attempted to express. an older revision had 'man and wife' there but it seemed to only imply a failed marriage. I wanted to imply their marriage but also their individual selves are being diminished. But not just the speaker, but ALSO the other party.
I now pronounce you neither man nor wife! 2 wraiths. -
Fine
Nice work in a classic form. The syntax is very tricky. I found two issues. First in line 4 , the absence of an article breaks the scan. Second, in line 14, it made more sense to me as man and wife, as regardless of the breech they would retain their own identity. A minor point, the shift in line 8 by using lies will cause many readers to think of "lieing" , is this intentional?
Peace,
Ed -
I see what you mean...hmm. I think this will leave me thinking too
I doubt I can be too much help but I am sure you will come up with something nonetheless. I will keep my eye out for any revisions you may in turn decide and maybe I can come up with a suggestion or two...till next time best wishes
Edited on Jul 07 because ''. -
I changed 'layed' to 'laid' you were right about the spelling. I looked it up. I can't change thick to thickly so simply because that would affect the meter. but I'll see if I can think of something... I've been having problems with "thick"... I might need to pick another word. originally I had "paints thick" but then I wanted the stress on "paints" rather than "thick" so I swapped it.
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I think you did a wonderful job in conveying the whole twisted side to realtionships. Sometimes we find ourselves in such places and circumstances in preference to being alone. *SIGHS*
My only suggest was perhaps "thickly" instead of just thick, laid instead of layed... anywho
I believe the line "My bed layed out in house but not in home"
rang such truth and hit a chord with me. Awesome write and best wishes
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Great rewrite. I like it better this way.
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OI is the only word popped into my head reading it and cant explain why
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