“Where had you come from when we picked you up?”
“I’d been with some fishermen down at the river.”
“We don’t think you were. We think you’re mixed up.
We think that you’d been out some things to deliver!”
“What sort of things had I gone to deliver?”
“No, we’ll ask the questions, you just tell us the truth”.
“I told you I’d been with some fishermen down there.”
“Do you want to enjoy the rest of your youth?”
“Is that a question I’m supposed to answer?”
“I’m beginning to think that you want to play tough.
Now answer our questions. Where had you been?
Make us wait much longer and we might get quite rough.”
“Where had you come from when we picked you up?”
“I’ve told you already. From the river, where it bends.”
The one who’d been silent now started to speak:
“What are the names of your fishermen friends?”
“I don’t know their names. We’d only just met.”
“So what did you want from these hunters of carp?”
“I wanted to find out what’s the best bait to use.”
“Do you think we believe that? I thought you were sharp!”
“Why’d you leave these clothes at your friend’s last week?”
“I’ve never in my life seen those clothes before.”
“Why’s your brother’s card in the jacket pocket?
It seems to me you know quite a bit more.”
“Yes, he’s missing that card. He’ll be glad that you found it.
If you give it to me, I’ll see it’s returned.”
“I’m sure that you would, you little rascal.
If we told your father, he’d be very concerned!”
“No, please. I’m begging you! Don’t tell papa.
I’m sure I can help you in other ways instead.”
“I’m sure that you can, you little bastard.”
And with that came a slap on the side of my head!
Author notes
Written July 5th, 2005
What did you think
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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this is so origionl, reshreshing from the usual
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Good on you. Best not to take these bullies seriously.
Cheers,
Yossarian -
Quite clearly, this one did not go down too well. Oh dear! Well, they can't all be good.
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Thank you for the applause. I did think Barefoot Prince's comment a bit rough. Actually savage. But I don't cry, and I can take punches.
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im with Yossarian on this one. good build-up, but a liitle flat on the punchline. still, an enjoyable read, nonetheless.
Edited on Jul 08, 4:34 because ''. -
Not too bad, the flow wasn't brilliant, and as afore mentioned, the speech marks made it tiring to read, but on the whole it was alright.
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Did you find Barefoot Prince's comment as insulting and patronizing as I did? That's a shabby reason to not read someone's poem, and then to just say he "hated" it is damn unproffesional and utterly unhelpful. Shameful.
I digress. That comment really pissed me off.
The task at hand: I like very much how this poem is constructed. It doesn't feel forced and has a good flow (there are a couple of double rhymes [i.e. rhyming "up" with "up"], but that's forgivable). Perhaps they are simple rhymes, but a poet is under no obligation to come up with brilliant rhymes for everything. Simplicity works just as well. This also builds up very well. On the whole, quite enjoyable...verging on excellent.
But here's the problem. It really putters out with that ending. It builds *so* nicely, then there's nothing to show for it (someone said inconclusive...exactly the right word for it). I really think you should change the ending...'cause as it is, it just don't work. Feels like a whimper, when it should be a bang. This poem DESERVES an ending worthy of its build.
So because I liked this so much (despite the end), and because that guy irritated me, you get an applause.
Cheers,
Yossarian
Edited on Jul 08, 3:46 because ''. -
Jumpy prose-narration.
Seemingly no end.
Simple rhymes.
Inconclusive.
-Vasquine. -
Thank you for reading and commenting. Glad you liked it. "different from any other poem i ever herd" is a compliment I like.
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nice
i like this poem alot cus it rhymes and it is also different from any other poem i ever herd, i like dat chu attempt to write sumthing from to peoples perspecting talkin to eachother is diff i like it keep it up -
good poem
lol, i enjoyed this little write. not to give too much away, but i was interrogated by the police once, and the fact that they always ask the same questions over and over was very well braught forward in this poem. but i also know how terrifying it is to be in such a position... -
oh this is a sad and tramatic write that is very emotional I have to agree with prince to an extent the "" make it harder to read but I guess in this write necessary
love and light
blaze -
The question marks made it unbearable to read, sorry, no can do.
Ummm...
Yeah
I hated what I did get out of it -
well I dont know what to say
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3 old applause
