A new concept
Of loneliness-
Of emptiness…
(I am too young,
how could I be...)
Phoned conversations
Lose their innocence
When the news is like this,
She says there’s no time,
I’ve run out on time-
The time was never mine.
A thief I carried beneath my skin
For months, I’d never known
I held it—till this dreadfulness
I exist now between an abandoned bed
And a bolted door, these lifeless walls-
(such an empty, barren home with no one to shelter)
I am only a lonely woman
Sitting stunned in a quiet room,
With no children,
and no children.
The windowsill aches for soft,
Infant wonder- a newborn’s eyes,
Thoughtless, innocent cries to a sky
Clear of any cold truth.
But
I carry in me an emptiness,
A plague of wordlessness
And what to do, what to do?
When it happens to you…
When the news is like this
And this is all that exists in you.
Author notes
I just found out today that what I suspected to be a pregnancy was in fact the first signs of an ovarian cancer that will leave me unable to ever have a child. I just don't really know what to do with myself at this point.
Written July 4th, 2005
What did you think
Comments
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My dear Rynne, I do admire you for putting this dreadful news in a poem. You did a great job here, because it is not easy to continue life when you hear such things. I know all about it. But in time you will manage.... you will see. A lot of strength though .... Remember, you are not alone in this. Great write - Well done. Love, Anna.
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i am not nineteen, i am 27. it is a little differnt for me because i went through all these years expecting that i'd have a child-- but to go through this experience so young, god that must have been horrible. the irony right now is that when i found out about the cancer, they had done an ex-ray because i showed many signs of being pregnant, with the exception of chemically. i love that you can relate to much to this, it makes me feel less alone than i was before. i hope you'll enter my contest, it'd be wonderful to have a poem from someone in such a similar situaiton. cheers, ryn
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Wow, this started me crying.. really actually crying. I remember waking up from surgery. I woke up in ICU and was there for a month and a half. Then I transfered hospitals cause they could not deal with the infection I had. And I was moved to the 9th floor of University of Cincinnati Hospital. That's the floor no one wants to be on because that's where you go if you're going to be there long-term. When, in the poem, you the barren walls it just reminded me of laying in bed after a couple months and having nothing to do but think about the surgery I just went through. And it gets lonely in there too. (I had my own room and no one to keep me company) I'm sorry that you have to go through surgery.. it's a hard thing to go through and it's going to be even more emotionally hard on you afterwards, but I'll be here to talk if you need someone.
~Jessica~ -
This is an amazing write. I feel very sorry for your loss, and I agree with AngleSeeker that it is true that many people take having children for granted; I have to admit I did until I read your contest and your poems, and it is only now that I start to realize.
This is beautifully penned, and I particularly like the comparison of cancer to, "A thief I carried beneath my skin." Wow that is an awesome metaphor.
Again, I wish you the best of luck for the surgery and best wishes for the future nevertheless.
Evalinka
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You should show this to Pam, really Katie, it is just....ah hell I don't know. It's too real, ya know?
Edited on Jul 08 because ''. -
my doctor is going to do a more conclusive scan tomorrow afternoon and decide what needs to be done. part of the problem is that i had an ovarian sist when i was 16, so already have one gone. i'll find out soon what the extent of the damage is, if another mother can bear my children and such.
i really appreciate you taking the time to comment on this. i'd remembered your stage poem from months ago, and i knew that you would understand the kinds of things i'm going through. i thank you, i really thanks you. it just means so much. --ryn -
This is not an easy one to comment on, the heartache is so overwhelming. Women are meant to have children and the loss of that privilage is devastating. It seems that almost everyone takes it for granted, when they want children they will have them. But for some of us it doesn't happen. I often wonder if knowing upfront that I wouldn't have children of my own would have been easier. I know that at least it would have helped me to move on much sooner. (OK so I'm still holding out some slim hope even after all the years of failure and dissapointment) But I often wish that I just "knew" one way or the other if the thousands of dollars that I've spent are going to be wasted in the end. I know it's of no comfort to you, but you do have many options open and you can make the decisions without wasting time on the hopeless. I'm not sure if you've gotten a second opinion yet or what the actual DX was, but I hope that they have erred and things aren't as bad as they look now. If they don't have to remove your overies you may decide to use a serogate in the future. If they do and you're married you might want to think about freezing embryo's. You also have the option to adopt and there are many wonderful children who need loving homes. Of course you're most likely in shock right now, but some of these questions and decisions can't wait until later, others can. I feel for you; your poem was so full of your pain. If I could wave a magic wand and give you back your dreams I would. I'm sorry for your loss.
Patti -
i am so pained to hear this news. i will keep you in my prayers and thoughts.
your words in this piece are extremely powerful - the way you phrase them just increases the emotion in the poem itself.
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I love this poem to bits... I only wish that you did not have to deal with what has been the inspiration for it. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Again, I must re-iterate how wonderful I think this poem is!
Love and light,
Jenna -
well... yeah i haven't read anything on here in a long time... this wasn't what i was expecting... i was expecting some worthless crap... and what i got was all heart-filled emotion and brutal honesty...
loved the disconected form... flowed well... you hit the reader hard with, well with every word...
sorry to hear that thought... a baby would have been better... but hey you were wrong about the baby so maybe they could be wrong about the other thing... doctors are not perfect...
much love,
Doug -
thankyou lea. i needed to hear something like that.
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gosh I think this is an amazing piece. it strikes me as being among your best, if not the best that I have read from you. I think it is in part because of the sounds produced by your word choices, mainly the repitition of 's' for example, but the way in which you express this hoplessness, this longing, is really and truly artful. you really put the reader into your shoes.
if you wanted to change anything, I would not change it too much because I would fear detracting from what is already such a great piece.
I am so sorry for your bad news, I can only imagine how you must feel. but I do love this piece and I am glad you were able to create some beauty from your pain.
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