When I said my last good byes
You tried to look away from my cries
Pushed me back and out the door
but then I came back for one kiss more
The Thunder poured down along with the rain
Trying to be strong you sheltered your pain
we played with chalk on the sidewalk that day
but as time went by our names in the heart washed away
We didnt watch T.V or play video games like we normally would
Instead we talked because your the only one that understood
At dinner you pulled out my chair and made sure I had enough
The food was really good but I knew the farewell would be tough
In your basement I fell to the floor and pleaded you wouldn't go
I'm the one that had to leave but the time would let us grow
The knock on the door finally came, the cab was here
Tears hidden by the rain, I wouldnt see you until next year
You were the only one to make my pain all better
but now all you can do is simply send me a letter
what are you suppose to do when 'your everything' disappears
I can only wait and hope the grey sky clears
As for missing you oh so much
Just promise me we will stay in touch
When I said my last good bye
You looked away when I started to cry
Gave me one last kiss before shutting the door
And I knew that I couldn't see you any more
The Thunder poured down along with the rain
Trying to be strong you sheltered your pain
Author notes
This is a true story about the last night I spent with the one I love. Sorry it rhymed but the words wrote themselves because my emotion flowed freely as I wrote and tried to not think of being alone.
Written June 30th, 2005
A contest entry
- Waiting for you by black69no1.
300 points, ended July 2, 2005, 6 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Definatly a heart wrencher but very well written and way to capture the emotion. I have been through something sort of what you spoke of keeping in touch it kinda hit me because i had said that to my ex g/f. awesome write and thanks for sharing and the comment you left.
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you write from the heart, if rhythm and rhyme happen, let them happen. I feel that the rhymes here were way forced in some cases. Check out my lesson on literary devices, it would be a great help in this case for some minor editing and some kinks
not bad but the rhymes need work.
never be sorry for rhyming, just be sorry for the forcing
have a good one and thanks for checking out my featured write -
wonderful
absolutely esquisite piece of writing! there are a lot of proofreading errors, but they the poem was too emotional and wonderful for it to subtract from the overall impact. -
The rhyming was awesome as was the whole poem! I loved the beautiful but sad story you told through your words. I liked the natural and tearful atmosphere you created throughout. This was a truely talentful write, full of emotion. I thought that the slightly altered repetition at the end was nicely done x
Edited on Jul 06, 3:56 because 'I wrote 'said' instead of 'sad''. -
Good luck in the contest. You've written a piece with much emotion and I can say most of the rhyme isn't forced so it's okay here. Good read.
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Awww this was so sad! I loved it. Good luck in the contest!
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This was a sad piece and the rhyme worked well with this. I know what it's like to lose someone you love. Yet I once heard somewhere if you love someone you will let them go, you did the right thing. Beautiful peice this is different from all the other sappy love poetry I've read.
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Good write with good rhyme
Keep writing, this was a beautiful write yet so sad
Best wishes,
Pozo
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Sad..Very Sad...Good luck in your contest. -Brad
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