I watch the sun dance in your hair
As you dance by the trees, alone.
You don't know I am watching yet,
But I do wish to join you.
I cough, ever so lightly,
To announce my presence.
You stop, startled, and look around,
Then lock your eyes on me.
You smile, and laugh just a little,
The pink flushing your cheeks
And bringing out a color
That makes your eyes seem darker.
I walk towards your outstretched arms
Hoping to be locked in them forever,
Your warm body pressed against me
Until the light of the moon joins our dance.
You greet me with a kiss, so quick,
But I can taste your sweet flavor;
Somewhere between wine and cotton candy,
A flavor no one could reproduce.
I put my arms around you in a tight embrace,
Feeling your body against mine...
And you put your head on my shoulder
Just long enough to kiss my neck.
Our fingers tangle together and fit perfectly;
You lead me underneath your tall tree.
I look into those chocolate colored eyes
And the flush comes back to your cheeks.
Regaining yourself and wanting control
You lead me in a dance, so slow,
But the wind embraces us together
And twirls your scent to my nose.
It seems like a decade that we dance,
But it's not long enough for me.
Holding you close and smiling
Into your long, raven hair.
The moon she greets us eventually,
After how long I do not know.
But you pull away from the dance,
Keeping your fingers laced with mine.
You walk backwards, pulling me with you,
That playful smile on your lips
That carries over to your eyes,
And buries itself deep within my soul.
Our legs tangle together as we sit here,
So close we are almost one being,
Our lips meet, softly, lovingly,
And I know you are the one.
Author notes
Written June 24th, 2005
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1 - 14 of 14
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so touching and great flowed throughout
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awesome
wow this blew me away .. great write.. i loved it... so beautiful and romantic.. and erotic.. great job thanks for sharing your work with me. -
Que bonita!!! How beautiful!!! Ah, to be an elf and dance in the woods with some lovely male elf... You had some absolutely AMAZING imagery in there, hun!!! Made me long for someone to wrench out of bed and pull into the woods to go dancing...
I love how well you tell the story. Even though this is chalk full of imagery, there is still a story, and I love that. You entertain and transport all at the same time.
The only criticism I have is that the line "The moon she greets us eventually," seems to break with the style/resgister of the rest of the poem. Maybe it's because it needs a comma or something, but I would do away with "she". It seems to me like an elvish way to speak, but it feels like a departure from the rest of the poem, like I said before. I dunno. Maybe you should ignore my ceaseless ramblings...
Great write, hun, and always keep it up!!!!!
s!!!!!!
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Oh wow
I honestly loved it, so so beautifully written. It's so incredibly detailed, just full of tiny clever little things that I'd never have thought of but make all the difference. It's like you've told a story with your words, which I think poetry is all about but I don't see many people actually DOING, so this was just... wow. It's the exact kind of thing every girl dreams about, isn't it? *swoon* LOL hmm, sorry, I'm not great with comments, but I hope you don't mind me adding you to my favs? Take care, great write,
Love Laura xoxoxo <3 -
This was beautiful, so sweet and full of love, wonderful imagination,Sometimes the best poems get over looked to often, so Im glad we have our group to go to,Without that I may have never come here, wonderful heartfelt write, and a beautiful heart you must have
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I felt like i was standing there watching almost a intruder on this romatic moment. Excellent poem
WOW
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It will, at some point, end up as prose. A few of my poems have ended up that way already, especially the longer pieces. The poems never vanish, but I use tie them together.
Thank you! -
I have one that makes this look like a haiku. LOL Well, first off, the imagery in this is amazing, and not forced at all. You have a flow that is just wonderful. I do feel, however that this would lend itself very well to prose. It has that kind of quality. There is nothing wrong with the way you wrote it, I can just see it as prose. You have done remarkably well with punctuation (something most "poets" on here feel is not needed), but there are a couple of places you misses. Otherwise, this is truly an outstanding poem. I was greatly surprised to find it so well written.
Thank you for sharing. -
I liked this and it isn't too terribly long, i was expecting something close to an epic from your post. You described the situation well and didn't repeat everything over and over which was also nice to see. My only suggestion is to edit out some wordiness. i.e - "To announce my presence to you." That could just be "To announce my presence." Other than that well done and i liked the whole idea of tracing this couples steps. Take care and God bless.
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This is beautiful. I really like it. It is very descriptive and sweet. I did notice one error, if you do not mind me pointing it out. In the 8th stanza the last line, I thing that sent should be scent. But is very romantic and sweet. Very visual!! I think it is a great write!
Brandy
Edited on Jun 25, 8:21 p.m. because 'lol I spelled beautiful wrong.
'.
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I really enjoyed this. The way you wrote it made it seem like you were in the poem and you were feeling what you wrote. One suggestion I do have is in the second to last stanza, perhaps having 'carries' in there twice is somewhat repetitive. Other than that it was really peaceful and gives the reader a nice, loving feeling. Great job! Steffeny
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This is a very beautiful poem Auntie Erin!!! It is so wonderful and happy!!! I absolutely love it!!!
hugs,
Beth -
I LUV it! All sappy and romantic myself....this is vivid and really quite touching....the splendor of love....
Tisha -
How sweet and lovely this is. I can picture the dancing through the trees, two sprites so in love. Amazingly picturesque and wonderful. Hugs, Sis
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