If I could be an Evil Overlord

If I could be an Evil Overlord,

I'll tell you what I'd do-

I'd make sure I was invincible,

impossible to subdue.

"And just how could you do that?"

all the people seem to ask.

well, when done correctly

it is SUCH an easy task.

The first item on my agenda

Would be my evil lair.

there would be no secret paths

of entering in there.

No garbage chutes that lead outside,

but to the incinerator.

no air ducts where intruders could hide-

just steel-bladed ventilators.

All my systems will have backups,

and when any EVER fails,

I'll send a trained detachment

of security detail.

My henchmen will all be loyal

To no one else but me.

For fidelity is worth

a few thousand lobotomies.

I will teach my minions how to shoot-

and more important, how to HIT.

because I've seen the aim of previous henchmen...

and they can't shoot for...well, they suck.

When fighting with the hero,

I don’t have to play fair.

If I can win by any means,

Then it’s “Game Over” then and there.

I’m above speeches when I have the upper hand

And revealing my evil plan.

For when monologing things oft elude

The negligent attention span.

NEVER will I watch a hero

Fall off a cliff or waterfall

And leave, assuming they are dead-

No, I must see it all.

If their body somehow eludes my sight

Then I will dredge the lake.

The cliffs will be scoured, every rock

‘till the death is proven true or fake.

And if contrived the death doth be

The hero will be found

And the last thing that he will see

Is my .44 caliber round.

If I fight him on a platform,

And he looks ahead and ducks,

Then I get the hell into a crouch,

‘Cause if I quizzically turn around, I’m…screwed.

All pets will be euthanized,

Most especially these-

Any annoying sidekick animal

that can steal a prison cell’s keys.

All bards and busty tavern wenches,

By my overlord decree,

Would be banished from the land-

The hero gets NO company.

Never will I build walkways

Over vats of hazardous waste

Nor will I be amenable

To fight the hero face to face.

If I steal a super weapon,

My humility I’ll maintain.

After all, the hero had it

And fought to retain in vain.

My evil plans will be simple,

No rituals or chants

On a one-time-only gig like that,

I’d NEVER take a chance.

All henchmen would have 401K’s

And group coverage, even dental!

Let’s see a hero talk my pawns away

From healthcare so monumental!

I won’t ever tell my henchmen

“And he must be caught alive!”-

If I was going to kill him anyways,

Who cares how long he survives?

Never, before the killing blow,

Will I engage in maniacal laughter-

I’ve seen enough movies that I know

I would be killed right after.

All villains do things differently

But some things are automatic

We all hate honor, truth, and piety,

And we all vote democratic.

<O> </O >

Happy Evil Overlord Day!