They hang their petals in gloomy despair
beautiful petals once graced the fresh air
like tired old women they strain to reach
the fragrant scent of a ripened peach.
Magnificent petals of vibrant display
raise up your petals or be withered away
your magnificent beauty no one can deny
thirst for the fruit and you surely will die.
A silver tear falls from your velvety leaf
Oh tulips so filled with sorrow and grief
draining your moisture for the sake of a scent
hoping beyond hope you're lifeless and spent
Sitting in your vase slowing fading away
the enchanting ripe peach quietly seizes the day
your petals like fingertips still clinging to life
your love of the peach was the ultimate price.
Oh velvety tulips most pleasing to see
I beseech you my darlings to rise up for me
If not for the sake of this beguiling ripe fruit
you would rise and flourish at the span of your youth
Author notes
Written June 22nd, 2005
A contest entry
- Poetry Challenge: I want to read the best by pozo.
738 points, ended August 5, 2005, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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Good poem which made sense. I liked the tone here, and the spelling was good
Keep writing, this was a generally good poem although the rhyme was a little forced
Thanks for entering and for changing the colours
All the best,
Pozo
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Rhyme is almost always forced, but the trick is to make it seem spontaneous. I believe you did well there. However, I don't really understand the poem. Probably because all I know of peaches is they grow on trees and they are edible. There is probably an analogy here, but I am missing it.
Andy -
Thank you so much Raven, it was a pleasure having you comment to my poem, it means that much to me. A poem is never complete until it is graced by your Almight Aphrodite
. Thought I was logged on lastnight, I was watching one of Madea's movies and logged off afterwards. Thanks again for stopping by with your kind words of wisdom.
All my love,
Avril (Big Sister)
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This is a lovely yet tragic piece, my dear sister. It brings the reader to a crux of sorts...questioning them silently, "what are you going to do with the rest of your life?" The visuals add an eerie feel to the poem, and really brings a unique polish to your body of works. You are at your finest when rhyming--not that you do badly with free verse, either
--but I haven't had the energy to concentrate on writing something in rhyme for a while. This is lovely. The undercurrents of meaning are multifaceted, and could draw a thousand conclusions.
Many blessings,
Raven Aurora (little sister)
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Thank you Abel, your comments means a lot to me. Avril
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very nice piece..i really enjoyed the visuals...and the title has so many meanings...you have real talent and i'm so glad i stopped by...thanx for sharing...Peace Abel
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This has a very sensuous feel to it i think. I think this poem could be taken a few different ways I agree with Wattle this is a gem, just like you Diamond
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Thank you dear brother for your applause and encouragement. I think we both love to rhyme, it's in our blood Avril
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Excellent Flow!
Nice piece my dear sis, you get better each time I read you, this is a wonderous write! Thanks for sharing, as you know, I enjoy the flow within this piece, I love rhyme....
The content drew me in as much as the flow, and how wonderfully worded this piece is! Great Job Sis!
Much love!
Bro Timothy~~~~~
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Nicely done!
Hi
This was a beautiful write!
"ripend peach"... teeny spelling error (should be "ripened") But typos happen no matter how hard we try!
I loved your imagery here in this poem!
"Magnificent petals of vibrant display
raise up your petals or be withered away"
You get the sense that they're in this limbo of sorts They're not vibrant but they're not dead either and you really communicate that sense of the frozen moment in time by communicating this which I think really reflects the still life genre asked for
Great write!
Best of luck in the contest!
Gypsybelle.
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Yes, I can see how 'sorrow and grief' would be more appropriate and of course there is always room for improvement. I appreciate your detailed analysis and will work to improve the overall consistency. Avril
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Hmm.. some of the rhymes seem a bit forced, I would advise you to review those a bit. Also, one of your lines is a bit awkward. "Oh tulips so filled with emotions and grief.." is a bit odd. Grief is an emotion, so it really doesn't make sense to say emotions AND grief. Perhaps you could put something more like.. "Oh tulips so full of sorrow and grief.." or something like that... It does flow nicely, I'm always a fan of the unstresed/stressed pattern, although it does fall apart in some of your lines. The basic theme of this poem, "Rise Up or Die" is excellent. It's very relateable, and I really think you did a good job of protraying that through the actions of the tulips. However, the love of the tulips for the peach was a bit inconsistent thtoughout, perhaps you could work on that. Overall, it's a very nice idea. It does need a bit of work, but it has a nice overall effect. Never give in, Annandhel.
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Ms Diamond, what a gem you have presented before my eyes. Unusual for you (I think), a regal feel with lashings of spender and a dash of mortality; a pure Diamond. Thank you (lucky me).
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Avril a wonderfully written piece, as always from your pen, i love to see what my favorites are up to, and i am never disappointed with what i find Excellent
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it's like an ode to a peach.very shakespearen.shows your versatility.it flows so smoothly and it reads like a love song.you looked at the picture and not only gave it life but gave it a vivid one. after reading this it's easy to see the movement as the picture comes to life.another gem from a gem.my very best to you in the contest.
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the flowness to this is very well excuted nice work and good luck; ive re-read the last minute add on stanza to ur entry and i still say the same good structure and good luck
Edited on Jun 22, 9:04 p.m. because 'add on line'.
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