They call this paradise:
Children laugh and sing.
Deer frolic in the morning mist.
Beavers busily build their dams.
The saffron sun rises
obliterating the moon and stars.
While I
I ~ alone
Scream in barren anguish.
What good is frosted lemonade;
dark velvety ice cream;
warm steak and cool breezes,
if I have not
my own child to hold?
Careless blue birds sing.
Impudent rivers gurgle.
A baby coos love to his mother
And I
Abandon the verdant garden.
They call this paradise:
But I know the truth.
This
Is hell.
Patricia Gibson-Williams
Author notes
Id like to thank Holly (EnjoySuccubus) for giving me feedback on my poem. Although I didnt use all of her suggestions I did revise my work based upon several of them.
I haven't decided if this poem is totally finished, but then what poem ever is?
Patti
Written June 22nd, 2005
In a list
A contest entry
- Allwrite Magazine Poetry Contest (20 and over) Prewrites Accepted by Runawaytrain.
300 points, ended July 30, 2005, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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This is very good, but it might work better for the In the Dark contest. It hasn't been posted yet, but you can check with Pamela. allpoetry.com/poets/Pamela
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This is actually such an amazing poem! i love it! its so dark and deep, and so true about so many places. we have all being to a hell that to others is paradise. keep it up! xxx
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This was wonderfully written. What could be more distressing to a woman if she has no "baby to hold"?
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You are right about that
You really know what you are talking about huh?
Because you expressed it beautifully and in this poem each word has its own complement
thatīs the vew I get when I imagine paradise too so I personally think that you did an excellent job
I hope you win the contest because you really knew what you were talking about and if you donīt win well you will get second or third but you will get a trophy anyways
good luck
MARIA -
I liked your poem, we all have our own personal view of what paradise really is, don't we? Most of us think that we are living in Hell right now. I don't have any advice on how to change your poem for the better...I am always changing my own poems trying to make them better, but when I look at someone else's poem I can never find anything I would change. Maybe that is because only you know how your own poem really should be. Whether this poem is complete or not, it is still really good. I really liked the imagery you used. Nice.
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This is very sad. I love the melancholic tune to it. great write!
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