They call this paradise
Children run and laugh
Deer frolic
Beavers busily build their dams
The saffron sun rises
Obliterating the moon and stars
While I
I
Scream in anguish
What good is lemonade
Ice cream
Warm Steak and cool breezes
if I have not
my child to hold?
Blue birds sing
Rivers gurgle
A wee sweet baby coos
As I
walk out of the garden
They call this paradise
But I know the truth
This
Is hell
Patricia Gibson-Williams
Author notes
I've been feeling down for several days now and I wanted to write something, but I didn't know where to start. I did what I often do when I need inspiration and I started checking out the contests to see if something would hit me. When I saw the one on “Paradise” I knew right away that I was going to write something and how it would end. I’m not sure if this poem is good or if I’ve captured the way I feel, so I’d like some honest feedback. I’m not sure if this fits the contest criteria, or if I’ll enter it, although I usually do just to let the contest holder/s know how they have inspired me. Thank you for taking the time to read my work. Patti
Written June 21st, 2005
In a list
What did you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
-
Good Start!
First of all, the first line is wonderful. It's a great introduction, and I love that you are addressing the poem to "me" as a reader...like you are speaking to me, and not simply speaking arbitrarily. It should be ended with a period or a colon, though:
/They call this paradise./ or /They call this paradise: /
The rest of the first stanza leaves a little to be desired. The contest is for showing, not telling, and you are definitely showing me paradise, but what else? Deer frolic...how? Where? The saffron sun: great addition. This line should also mark the end of a thought:
/Beavers busily build their dams./
The two preceding lines should show some sort of pause, for grammar if nothing else. I suggest a comma after "laugh" and "frolic".
In the next stanza, I love that you provide the reader with a sense of "stumbling" upon your words...be it desperation, or just the feeling of not being able to fully describe (or show!) what Paradise truly is. You've done this by repeating the word "I". However, this is "telling" and you want to "show"! Instead, perhaps you could say something like:
/While I--
I falter as my mouth opens wide,
And the anguish pours out
In shrills./
Then, you continue with a question. This adds to the pain that you are trying to convey. You are so uncertain of your feelings that you ask the reader for his opinion. Nice move, but you want to make sure that you are consistent in your story-telling. Don't give the reader a single chance to be forced to stop and reread due to an awkward line. (And be sure to SHOW. Fix this by doing something like this:
/Then, what good is this cold lemonade,
This chocolate ice-cream,
These warm steaks and cool breezes,
If I have not
My own child to hold?/
In the next stanza you return to the story-telling. You remind us of the reason you are writing this to begin with. Yet, still, you are telling me what this 'so called' paradise is, and I want to be shown the picture. I want to see this ironic paradise for myself because I don't quite believe you just yet. An opportunity to amend this could be found in saying something to the effect of:
/Listless Blue Birds sing warnings
Of rivers so dark they gurgle;
A wee baby loves his mother with coos
And I--
I walk from this dead garden unarmed./
The last stanza is short and simple. You bring us back to the title line, and push us out the door with a melancholy shove. THIS is paradise? No, it isn't, and you have explained why. This is something that many writers falter in...they never explain why...they never find closure at the end of their poems. You have, and that is something to be noted. However, the last stanza doesn't pull my heart-strings, it's not as strong of a closing as it COULD be. Remember to show me how sad this "Paradise" is:
/They call this Paradise?
They call this Paradise, but
This awkward place of grief and desire,
Of desolation and a raging fire
Is nothing, lest it be Hell./
Okay! That about does it. LOL. I hope that this provides some help and I wish you the best of luck in the AllWrite contest. Please let me know how you fare! And, of course, these are all suggestions, not to be taken negatively in any way at all.
Best wishes to you, and feel free to request my --services?-- at any time. LOL.
-Holly (EnSu) -
I need to run to the store for a minute, I'll critique this before the night's over though!
-
Wow.. this poem put tears in my eyes. I feel exactly how this poem feels. Everyone is always telling me how paradise is when they have a kid or if they have children. I'll never experience my own sense of paradise. I could in a way if I adopt but I can't have my own kids. I had a full hysterectomy last year when I was 18. This poem touched my soul and made tears come to my eyes. It was really heart-felt. Great write.
-
This is very beautiful. I love the calm descriptions you've used in contrast to your own/the characters personal feelings. A sad yet well writtern poem.
-
What a fantastically powerful poem you have conveyed your message with these words so that the reader can feel your pain your torment. A very powerful piece. Blessings Stella.
-
oh I did like this filled with such emotion and great imagary and I understand what you are talking about for i havent seen my baby girl for over four and half years
love and light
blaze -
I like this a lot, it is very well written and It does indeed capture how you feel. the end has a nice twist I did not expect and it surprised me...I like dit though, I think you should enter it!
Adding your comment:
1 - 7 of 7
1 old applause
