MR HORNY
a parable
by
Edna Sweetlove
The sun shone brightly as Mr Horny hurried along the street to his office. It was a lovely summer's morning and the streets were busy with lots of other people going to work.
Mr Horny's eyes couldn't help wandering to the bottom of the young lady walking in front of him. Her bottom was wiggling and wobbling in a delightful way and the cheeks were bumping about like two footballs in a sack. 'Yum, yum,' thought Mr Horny, 'I wouldn't mind a basinful of that.'
Soon Mr Horny reached the entrance of the big building where he worked. Mr Respectful, the doorman, was standing at the doorway greeting everyone as they arrived in a very respectful way.
'Good morning, Mr Horny,' said Mr Respectful as Mr Horny came through the door. And what do you think Mr Horny said? He said 'Good morning, Mr Respectful, and how are your haemorrhoids today?' Mr Respectful was very flattered that Mr Horny had remembered his problem.
'Morning Mr Haughty,' smiled Mr Horny to the tall and important man who had joined him in the lift. Mr Haughty was a VERY important executive who had a VERY big office with a VERY big desk and a nice carpet and THREE telephones. Naturally, Mr Haughty ignored Mr Horny as usual.
Mr Camp entered the lift next and accidentally on purpose brushed Mr Horny's left buttock as he did so. 'Fuck off you little faggot,' said Mr Horny testily. 'Ooooh, get you, dearie,' said Mr Camp camply and off the lift went to the second floor where who do you think got in?
Yes, it was Miss Leggy who had very long legs and a great arse. Mr Horny knew he didn't have a cat in Hell's chance with Miss Leggy as she never went down on anyone below director level. But Mr Horny still said 'Good morning, Miss Leggy, lovely morning isn't it?' And Miss Leggy glanced down at Mr Horny and said 'Yes, it certainly is!'
Mr Horny got out at the third floor and walked to his desk which was not very big and he had to share his office with three other people, unlike Mr Haughty who had an office all to himself.
There was Mr Common who was from the lower social classes but who was trying to improve himself. Mr Common was wearing a nice blue suit with a yellow shirt and a pink tie with a naked woman on it. He had some lovely patterned green socks and brown shoes with pointy ends. He looked delightful.
Then there was Mr Smartarse who was spotty and thought he was very funny and kept telling jokes nobody laughed at. 'What's the difference between pearls and Australians?' asked Mr Smartarse cheerily and before anyone could answer (not that anyone would have) Mr Smarty said 'At least some pearls are cultured, ha ha ha!' Mr Horny thought that was the best joke Mr Smartarse had ever told as he didn't go much of a bundle on Australians. Mr Common didn't get the joke.
The fourth person in the office was poor old Mrs Hairylip. And what do you think she had? She had a moustache which she had to shave every other day and Monday wasn't a shaving day so it was a bit prominent.
Mr Horny started work but he found this hard because his mind kept coming back to the same old thing. He wanted a good shag as he had not had one for such a long time. The last shag he had was over four weeks ago and that had been with Mrs Available from the fifth floor, but she had been fired for stealing supplies from the office stationery cupboard so was no longer handy. Mr Horny was thinking about nookie so hard he accidentally stapled his index finger to a sheaf of A4 and had to go the toilets to wash the blood off. And what do you think he found there?
Yes, it was naughty old Mr Cottager who spent fifty percent of his waking hours hanging round gentlemen's lavatories in the forlorn hope of a mutual wank with anyone no matter how ugly as long as they had a willy. Mr Horny didn't need to look over to know that Mr Cottager would be massaging his tiny dong hopefully. After washing the wounded finger, Mr Horny kicked Mr Cottager into the urinal. Back at his desk, the pain in his finger stopped Mr Horny thinking of cunt for two whole hours and then it was time for lunch in the junior executives' canteen.
Mr Horny met his friend Mr Secondrate in the canteen and after they had collected their food, Mr Horny chose a seat next to a blonde lady he had never seen before. 'Hello, I'm Mr Horny from Accounts and this is Mr Secondrate from Personnel. I've never seen you here before!'
'I'm Mrs Alwaysupforit and I only joined the company today. I'm a lonely widow and I work in the typing pool.' Mr Horny gulped and a lump of Shepherd's Pie went down the wrong way. Mr Horny thought quickly. Should he go for it? And what do you think he decided?
'Perhaps you would care to visit the local wine bar with me after work today? Or if you don't care to partake of the fruit of the vine, they prepare a neat cocktail or two and some of them have rather saucy names!' he said suavely. Mrs Alwaysupforit lowered her glance, fluttered her mascara'd eyelashes and said she would love to join him for a drink, especially since she was a lonely widow.
Mr Secondrate was very impressed with Mr Horny's sophisticated approach and knew his flatmate, Mr Vicarious, would be very interested to hear of the incident.
The afternoon's work seemed to last forever as Mr Horny was so eager to see Mrs Alwaysupforit (the lonely widow from the typing pool) again. 'Would she put out?' wondered Mr Horny over and over again. Mr Horny got a stiffy and it just wouldn't go down.
On the dot of 5.30, Mr Horny rushed to the toilet to splash on some Old Spice and he was so preoccupied he didn't even bother to kick either Mr Cottager or Mr Camp who were both in there having a good old grope together.
Downstairs in the ladies' room, Mrs Alwaysupforit was powdering her nose and telling Mrs Natter, her new friend, all about Mr Horny's invitation. Mrs Natter said she had always seen Mr Horny as a bit forward and the type of person who might try to take advantage of a girl after a glass or two of Sauternes. 'Oh don't you worry about me,' said Mrs Alwaysupforit, 'I can take care of myself and anyway I am a lonely widow who likes a little cuddle now and then.'
When they reached the wine bar, Mr Horny lashed out on a bottle of house wine and ushered Mrs Alwaysupforit into a cosy corner nook. After a couple of hours and another bottle of wine, Mr Horny knew he was on to a good thing with Mrs Alwaysupforit as she kept glancing down at the twitching bulge in his trousers.
'Would you like me to walk you home? offered Mr Horny smoothly. 'Yours or mine?' quipped Mrs Alwaysupforit, perhaps a little too eagerly on a first date. And what do you think Mr Horny's ears did? They flapped.
Mr Horny put his arm around Mrs Alwaysupforit's waist as they reached the street and, quick as a flash, Mrs Alwaysupforit kissed Mr Horny smack on the lips. Mr Horny put his tongue deep into her waiting mouth and washed her molars and tonsils VERY thoroughly indeed.
'My, what a long tongue you have, Mr Horny!' murmured Mrs Alwaysupforit. Mr Horny replied 'Wait till you see my cock, Mrs Alwaysupforit!' She giggled and replied 'You shouldn't say such naughty things to a lonely widow like me,' and then she added thoughtfully, 'I hope it is nice and long, and extra thick as well as I like those best.'
When they reached Mr Horny's house they went upstairs and took their clothes off quickly. Off came Mr Horny's shoes and socks, off came his trousers and off came his underpants. Off came Mrs Alwaysupforit's blouse, her skirt and her knickers. She left her stocking and suspender belt on for the effect she knew it would have on Mr Horny who got very horny indeed.
They leapt on each other like a couple of wild animals, panting and muttering sweet nothings into each other's ears, in between using their tongues for licking and sucking each other during oral sex.
'Ooooooh, what a lovely pair of tits you have, Mrs Alwaysupforit' moaned Mr Horny, spitting out a couple of Mrs Alwaysupforit's pubic hairs. 'And what a lovely stiff knob you have, and such big bouncy balls,' replied Mrs Alwaysupforit admiringly, in between orgasms.
And they shagged and they shagged and they shagged. And they didn't get much sleep that night because of all the shagging they did. Which is how Mr Horny got genital herpes and Mrs Alwaysupforit got pregnant.
**
Author notes
My apologies to Roger Hargreaves, the author of the "Mr" series of children's books, to whom this is a sort of tribute.
Another in the series will be found at www.allpoetry. com/poem/14668 59 .
If you would like to read something CHARMING and DELICATE skip to allpoetry.com/poem/1421421 .
Written June 20th, 2005
In a list
What did you think
Comments
1 - 54 of 54
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" Which is how Mr Horny got genital herpes and Mrs Alwaysupforit got pregnant."
Nice to see you're in touch with the feminine side Edna*
Lovely background.
Lushh.
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I do my best.
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A pair of what's?
I loved it but didn't find a pair of bulls anywhere - a pair of tits and a pair of balls - maybe that's what it was -
Anyways, a lovely story about two of your closest friends, I'm sure
You retain my undying love
B D
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Oh my,the reader had her gast flabbered at this parody of the mr.men series,indeed this is the natural progression for all the readers of those books that are now adults or indeed adults that have to read those books to their offspring.The "monica's" were astute within characterization with the mr.horny,mr.horny et al and aping to perfection mr.common with his loud dress sense and inane jokes,though the australian joke about lack of culture boomeranged back and forth imbuing a sardonic smile.Alas George Micheal came to mind within the mention of mr.cottager,not alluding to his careless whisper of a song which is enchanting but his careless cottaging which is more than whispered about,but the reader digresses,this is a bedtime,headtime story for adults written well enough for the reader to see,hear and get to know the characters and their individual peccadillos.Hucking filarious.
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Fantastic
How did I ever Little Miss this? I take my hat off to you, this is brilliant. Am still keeping my entry in your contest though so get screwed! -
LOL, very cute, perfectly written as for a kiddies book, but um, well, i think we shall refrain from reading to them just yet!.
well written and good luck
ang -
Oh my goodness my dear sweet Edna, an erotic contest would just not be a proper contest without at least one of your entries. I must say, this one was an exceptionally wonderful read. Spectacular job!
-Ashley -
while an absolutely darling story, I must confess I'm a bit confused as to which fairy tale this is supposed to be based off of. (if I'm reading the contest right?)
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The amazing thing is that I think you're the only reader who got the joke. I assume the Mr Men series never went to the USA. Too intellectual, probably.
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The Mr Men books will never look the same to me again. I always knew there was something odd about Mr Bump and Mr Tickle.
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oh my god...lol i love the obvious names..it briliant!! hahah im goign to recomend this to my friends they will get a royal kick in the arse with this you have some amazing talent, bravo my friend bravo...lol
still laughing
Wolfchick28 -
This was funny! You did a great job and I think I might know a couple of the guys...lol...great job!!!
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lol This is awesome and so funny. I absolutely love it. You always manage to make me smile and laugh with your humorous writing. I love your works. Amazing write.
- Andi -
I AM pink.
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Edna I love your work. This had me laughing and smiling. I hope you have something somewhere published as yours is a talent not to be wasted. Does praise make you blush as I'd like to see you pink
April
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LOl! this was a very great read! The plot was excellent!
thanks for entering.
Jessie -
Awesome
Wonderful read!. This truly has substance and a great plot. I loved the way you blended everything together. It wa easy to read, and very descriptive. -
HAHAHA THIS IS GREAT!!!
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i applaud your confusion of
your description of
your taking off of
or on of
or away with of
course and of
all read i think most of
that which of
you write of
or are of
of of of
with an l -
lmaoshiapmp!
I never read the "Mr." series. Is this a series exclusively to the UK? Scrolling down I couldn't believe that no one gets randy! "Randy Newman" hence the saying (my fav) feeling a little Randy? Am I dating myself? Sheesh! Edna, now, don't dumb down your stories for us North Americans! We get English programing over here too you know! Anywho.....got great chuckles,grins and giggles! I give you applause with lots of clap to go round!
~Michelle~
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Eeeee gads N o o o o o o o
Not Randy Newman, Randy Travis( if your into older women),Randy Quade (would be prophetic) or any of a mass assorted others - but Not Randy Newman- HE- Doesn't like " Short People" and everyone in the story here fits that catagory, mostly short minded - lol
And God Love Edna, there is nothing short about her.
B D
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Very entertaining. One of the funniest things I've seen on AP.
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damn mr horney sounds SO brittsh, i was looking for the socks and shoes to be still left on ... great write
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Dear Mary, I know nothing of Steel Magnolias. I assume it is a film which I have never seen. The original phrase was "2 ferrets in a sack" I think. I used footballs for 2 reasons:-
1] football is very common and I was trying to show the commonness of the person;
2] footballs are not alive and so I was trying to show the concept of 2 dead buttocks bouncing about vulgarly.
I am happy you enjoyed my poetic piece. -
"two footballs in a sack" reminds me of Steel Magnolias .. a phrase like that was used .. I think it was two fighting dogs in a sack .. very picturesque ..LOL
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Omfg- hilarious. This was very funny. At first, I thought it was going to be some stupid little, bad written, Erotica piece, but I read and saw the words 'Humor' and 'Adult'. I was really relieved to find how great and funny this story turned out. Very funny and worth the applause. Hilarious.
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Jess giggles. Well done, missis
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what asexy good laugh...well done..
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Even the names bring tears to my eyes, let alone the rest of the story, My MY, what a very vivid imagination you have. The better to entertain us with, I think.
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I think you're probably right.
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this was kinda funny. I think the charcters are what did it.
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Wonderful. Wonderful. Hilarious. I had a good laugh.
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that was good very funny indeed...okay will be off to the other ones you wrote...
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Thanks for spotting the typos! I shall put them right shortly - but not immediately as if I do I shall lose the formatting in courier typeface which I like and which is suitable for the style of writing. I shall re-read and see if there are any others. No hyphens for accidentally on purpose for me. Ideally to appreciate the story you need to have seen some of the series of "Mr" books for children (Mr Clumsy, Mr Silly, Mr Naughty etc etc).
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Fairly Entertaining.
I'm getting me drinks. (Note the plural.) To be very frank, I like it better when you write short...owing partly to the fact that I've only yet read shorter ones you've made before this. The story is peppered with witty little bits, and even more funny little bits, and it ought to have been good in my opinion already except for the sad fact that I am sick and tired of sitcoms, even if they are as dark and dirty and funny and "witty" as this. The characters are v. good though, most fortunately, else I'd have fallen asleep halfway through. (No offense.)
Some things to consider:
A typo: "Off came Mrs [Alwayupforit's] blouse" (I don't know you, and I've only read a small fraction of your works here, but if my intuition is correct, even you yourself were getting weary of writing by this part. Or else I am gravely mistaken, and you missed the "s" here out of sheer enthusiasm (and maybe a bit of demented frenzy) whilst finishing your story.)
Also, in the paragraph following directly after that of the above-mentioned line, you missed the "y" in the first word, for "They".
And then this is only a question... I usually write/read this phrase "accidentally on purpose" with hyphens tween the words. I wonder if you've considered putting hyphens...the effect being, for me, that the phrase would appear more "intact". -
Oh my - genital herpes and a pregnancy
Mr.Horny should've just shagged himself or wrapped it in an anti-bacterial wipe first. Never ever trust a woman named...Mrs Alwaysupforit
Thank you Edna for pointing this piece out to me I do hope you catch your bus alright and don't forget i'm still awaiting an answer to my question Bravo girl/guy..i give you the clap .
Edited on Jul 29, 6:55 p.m. because ''. -
lol...I'm just goingto go in a corner and laugh some more...
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The Camp and Cottage woulda got lost on me without the translation, but I must one of the rare North Americans who gets a giggle out of the name Randy. In fact, my step dad's name is Randy so I can't look at him without giggling or getting really grossed out. ^.~ Nice story. Not sure if it goes with the fairy tale theme of the contest...but still a nice story. I'm glad Mr. Horny got his groove on. Everyone needs a good shag every now and then. Thanks for entering and good luck.
Love, Kittii -
hahahaha i love it!!!!! this is awesome! i love this part especially
Mr Camp entered the lift next and accidentally on purpose brushed Mr Horny's left buttock as he did so. 'Fuck off you little faggot,' said Mr Horny testily. 'Ooooh, get you, dearie,' said Mr Camp camply and off the lift went to the second floor where who do you think got in?
Yes, it was Miss Leggy who had very long legs and a great arse. Mr Horny knew he didn't have a cat in Hell's chance with Miss Leggy as she never went down on anyone below director level. But Mr Horny still said 'Good morning, Miss Leggy, lovely morning isn't it?' And Miss Leggy glanced down at Mr Horny and said 'Yes, it certainly is!' -
this was very funny!!!
i love your chacters and for a short story they were well developed. i love the names you picked out for them and i love the ending. not quite what i expected. you are very talented. this was a great write. keep up the terrific work. oh and good luck in the contest i hope you win.
Jenna -
This was also very funny!
Good thing you explained cottage and camp in you comment, because those names did get lost in translation for me. Ironically, I'm not American, or mid-Atlantean, but Dutch.
Loved the story!
Edited on Jul 05, 2:40 p.m. because 'typo'. -
Yes, maybe you SHOULD go to sleep now, dearie.
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Lol! You know what really worries me? That somewhere deep within the twisted humour and unbelivable coincidence of a group of people all with names that perfectly describe their personalities all meeting up I think there could be some odd moral in this... or maybe i need to go sleep now! Truly excellent! Jenxxx
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very funny indeed
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I clicked on this because I thought it was about me! And it was! Another humorous little romp, dear Edna. Thanks for a bit of a day brightener!
peace
doug
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Tender as diamonds
Oh, my Dear Edna. I always knew you were a saucy girl, but straight out of the office. This was as close to sentimental as I have ever seen you get. The heart wrenching tenderness withwhich you protrayed each character, the lastingly designed images (spitting pubic hairs) were so devine as to "tit"talate a saint. This so well befits your name, sweet girl. -
Sexy Funny
That was hilarious. I read it twice then had my roommate read it and we both believe it to be quite hillarious. Loved the names. Those were the best part. Good write...keep it up! -
I originally called the story "Mr Randy" but was informed that North Americans do not know that randy=extra horny. This is why when English people see names like "Randy Newman" they pee themselves with laughter. So the story has been "mid-Atlanticised"; I fear that "Camp" (=effeminate) and "Cottage" (a public urinal) may get lost in translation. Please advise!
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lol... great message...
mrhorny... lol could you imagine if a teachers name was mister horny in elementry school?
anyways nice write...
very entertaining...
lovs it -
you have one hell of a talent, I truly enjoyed reading this story, great job, i'll see if i can applaud you ( if they let me)
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lmao... thats a great ending... honestly... thats awesome!!!
the names were great fun, adn really kept the whole thing humorous... (as if it couldnt be!!!)
great job!!
~Chentele.
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No, no, no.
Does no one recognise the reference?
Jee-suss.
And there's something wrong here. 47 views this week? No way! It's been online for 1 day only and no promotion! We got a technical error here, AP! Wow, it's now up to 61 and climbing, yet still no promotion........ Weird city.
Edited on Jun 21, 7:08 p.m. because ''. -
This was hilarious!!!! lmao ^.^ This reminds me of an Austin Powers movie. I really enjoyed reading this! Good luck in the contest!
~Grace
I love the names by the way...so funny. lol ^.^ -
Awesome. You are so great. Quite an appalling story, really, but I like how brash and unapologetic it is with no social niceties and all the stereotyped last names.
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