I listen for a moment on the phone
as an icy feeling, washes over me.
A cold so deep the pain cannot be born
I want to run but there’s no way flee.
Another month of doctors, bills and drugs
Injections every morning and each night.
Another month and I have less to show
This isn’t fair, oh God, this isn’t right.
I watch a woman with her swollen womb
and feel the hollow emptiness inside.
I can’t begin to count the prayers I’ve said
No ocean could contain the tears I’ve cried.
This cycle followed all the ones before
Sweet promise, turning into sharp despair.
Hopes dashed again with every doctor’s call
I want my child more then I want air.
I’m waiting for the blood to start her flow
to match the rivers streaming down my face.
Another cycle rises like the moon,
more drugs, and then another chance at grace.
Years passed me by and I watched children grow
But never mine ~ I curse my barren womb.
My hope is like a razor finely honed,
it cuts my soul and lightens up the gloom.
I drop the phone and wonder at my strength
How long before it’s swallowed by the sand?
Have my body, and my God abandoned me?
Why can’t I have the child that I planned?
I work to sew the pieces of my life
together from the harshly torn shreds.
But what’s missing is too huge to fill the gaps
And it seems as if I’m always dropping threads.
Lately the words “too late” are echoing
as the clock ticks ever louder in my brain
Life keeps reminding me that I’m not young
If time runs out how will I bear the pain?
Patricia Gibson-Williams
June 9, 2005
Author notes
Written June 18th, 2005
In a list
A contest entry
- No notice visual #3 by Samplette.
300 points, ended June 18, 2005, 4 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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This was such a heartbreaking write. i had to think twice about comenting on this, as i cant imagine the pain you are in, and i dont know the right words to say to you. i am so sorry that you are going through this. i pray that you are blessed with the child you have always longed for. my thoughts are with you. all the best.
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Thanks now I dont feel so bad.
Briana
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Your poem didn't upset me. I thought it was cute. It just struck me that so many people don't understand the pain and heartache of waiting and waiting for something that usually just happens without much thought or by accident. It's not their fault, really, bacause so many of the people who suffer from infertility don't talk about it. It hurts so much and then when they do try to open up they here all kinds of advice or statements that just make the pain harder to bare. "Just Relax" "It'll happen in God's time" Or "if God want's you to have children you will" even worse "do you know how old you'll be when your child is..." When you first start trying and it doesn't happen within 6 months you start to worry and you think how long it's taking. No one ever expects it to take years or to need a doctors help to do what "everyone else" is doing naturaly. Sorry for the long response. Your poem was very sweet, so don't worry that I didn't enjoy it or that I was upset by it. I was just trying to make it easier for others to understand something I hope they will never have to go through. Patti
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I hope one day your wish for a child will happen. Though I don't know the feeling your poem gives me a hint of th epain you are going through. Im sorry if my poem upset you.
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It's always wonderful to hear that it can happen even after years of trying. Joe and I have only been trying for 4 years, but that's almost as long as we've known each other, and I'm over 40. We had planned how we were going to proceed, but nothing has worked out anywhere near what we planned. Our next step was supposed to be IVF, but I developed several cysts and by the time they're gone I will be starting a new job that won't allow me any time off for awhile. At my age every cycle missed makes it much less likely that it will ever happen, but the truth is that we can only afford to try IVF once anyway and in some ways I'm very afraid of how I'll hold up once that final chance is gone. I'm not sure what good it is to have insurance when they don't pay for such an important thing. Thanks for your comment, it gave me a little bit of hope. Patti
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I thought something was wrong with the picture..it sure isn't the one posted to inspire.
This write came from a tired and sad heart. I was there, I know. It took me 13 years to conceive my daughter...I cried many months away...spent lots of money on those home test. I was blessed with the desire of my heart...and had my little miracle at 38½...she will be 10 in october,
This was very heartbreaking...but very good. Thank you for sharing in the contest.
Sam
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I played with the picture some so if you want to see what the acutal contest picture looked like you will have to click on the link above. I loved Samplette's picture for this one, but I didn't want to keep it the same, because I think it makes it more interesting. I hope that's alright. Since I just found out a couple of days ago that I wasn't pregnant yet again it was easy to decided what this picture meant to me. I hope the poem helped to explain how hard it is dealing with infertility, when it seems like everyone around you is having children and grandchildren.
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