… for Yamuna …
… a beautiful Indian dancer …
An ancient wind there swept across the field.
An ardent flame there flashed before mine eyes.
A cherished wonder forthwith spun and reeled,
A fervent beauty gracing earth and skies.
Serpent-like, her sensuous form moved freely.
She swept the ages with each pass of her hand.
Her gaze divine with love made radiantly,
Held all the earth from where she there did stand.
Her spirit shone exalting in her dance,
Fiery beauty flaring transcendent light.
Her fairest face inspiring deep romance,
A thrilling wonder, passionately bright.
Just a moment of moments lost to time,
I saw this fair and radiant holy host.
An incarnation of love that rang with rhyme—
Away she faded from me like a ghost.
Author notes
this is a very old poem of mine written in 1992, and revised once in 2003, then a little more this month in 2005. it's a rather hopeless piece of poetry, romantic, sentimental, and gushy, but it's interesting to me to look back and see what i used to write. this poem was also written just before i gave up on metrical structures for a period of over ten years, and about 6 months before i stopped writing poetry altogether for a period of about 7 years. ah... yamuna... i can still remember what inspired this poem.
i thought to post this poem because i'm in the process of critiquing ANKEETA's "Rhythm Divine", which makes mention of a river by this same name.
Written May 21st, 1992
In a list
What did you think
Comments
1 - 28 of 28
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"it's a rather hopeless piece of poetry, romantic, sentimental, and gushy, but it's interesting to me to look back and see what I used to write"
Well, -I- LIKE IT. -
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Well that makes one of us.
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Good
by the way... I disagree with rosepoet altogether... I didn't find the poem romantic at all. I think it was lustful. Even though you used romance in your poem, I just didn't find it romantic, you didn't embrace it enough.
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A fervent beauty gracing earth and skies
Gracing is the perfect word to use in this line, I couldn't think of anything better...
Serpent-like, her sensuous form moved freely.
Interesting that you used a snake... snakes can be seducing, sly, and represent temptation. This can be quite lustful, almost sexual -
beautiful piece
Amazing really enjoyed reading this very much! it is a excellent piece of romantic poetry!wonderful imagery.
unique poem full of expressions of emotions.fantastic and impressive write . thanks it was pleasure to read.
you are welcome to check one of my poems too
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Bravo!
Excellent use of rhyme and meter! Bravo! -
great, fantastic, wonderful
this is a great poem the way you use nature makes it a unique poem. There is a lot of emotion in this poem. You are very creative and you can tell in your poetry. Great, Fantastic, Wonderful poem. -
Excellent
A wonderful poem full with imagery... very beautiful and well written as well. -
cool
I like this poem alot i also like the flow of it i think your a good writer ive read alot of your other poems i liked them to
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Wow..this was beautiful. You really get the feel this is about a dancer..(even though you told us)..but still..your use of imagery and choice of wording..just really makes that fact stand out. Again..i just thought this was purely beautiful..its kinda like you can just close your eyes and picture this beautiful girl dancing in a field..you described the movement perfectly! Ok..im done being annoying..i just absolutely love this poem..but im sure you can already tell!
take care
~jenn~ -
good
good to see you writing quatrains. -
Hum. Overall I liked this. It was sumptuous and rich with imagery... everything that a good poem should be.
I did feel that there were too many uses of the word 'there' in the poem. The bizzare thing is that I would only actually remove one and I think this would restor the balance. The offending 'there' is in the second line of the first stanza. It seems to act as a stumbling block.. the repitition disrupting the smooth graceful flow which you've created elsewhere. On the plus side, the repitition of 'an' and 'a' at the beginning of each line in the first stanza worked really well.
Great alliteration with 'Fiery beauty flaring' and 'fairest face' and good description with 'Serpent-like.' I was also happy to see that the rhyme didn't appear to be brutally forced
I particularly enjoyed the final stanza as it seemed to change pace and mood... it portrayed a certain wistfulness which went previously unnoticed.
~Faded -
Nicole was right. You are an amazing writer. This poem really got my attention from the first line and kept my attention to the very end.
Excellent choice of words. I really enjoyed the read.
Tammy
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very good
This is the kind of poem that just rolls right off the tounge, well placed words made this one what it is .. Really great job . -
WOW this is an amazing poem!!! Your one of the poets here on AP that i enjoy reading their stuff the most!!! i love how you describe her movement and things she dose with such a great passion!!! If only i were older i would merry you!!! LOL jk!!! This is a good poem, and it was well written!!! well i wont bother you anymore....... Bye
****Kiara**** -
wonderful
I really enjoyed reading this very much! it is a excellent piece of romantic poetry!
A pleasure to read your wonderufl words! -
I really like this poem, its discriptive, it portrays emotions and it is well written. very good job.
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bluffininlv: i realized i should have put this here instead of in an im:
my philosophy on poetry at the time was different. i was still trying to figure out what poetry was to me, what its applications were, what i could or would do with it. at the time i wanted to express a bunch of deep stuff that was plaguing my mind and heart, mostly pent up expulsive feelings that for one reason or many never got validated on a satisfactory level.
the medium for me was flawed, not because of the medium itself, but because of the socio-political view and use of the medium. i couldn't use poetry to do what it is meant to do because poetry "structurally" and "ideologically" had to conform to a certain standard--specific method--before it would even be considered enough to get into the content.
this poem was written just before i made a grand effort to conform to that standard, which resulted in my being pushed away from poetry altogether for many years. when i came back to it, i made another grand effort to conform, but when i realized i didn't want to conform, that the whole view and use of poetry is based on socio-political concerns and agendas, rather than give up as i did before, i instead decided to trail-blaze a new path into and through the view and use of poetry, to evolve it out of the fucking stone ages the modernists and post modernists caused english poetry to crash into. -
my use (his use? hardly seems like i wrote it now) of "there" in this poem is pretty archaic, but not incorrect.
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Dear Erin,
Got to disagree with Bezoar on there being too many "theres" in the poem.
Besides, I took the liberty of checking with Oxford University
and have been informed that there is a large surfeit of "theres"
in the English language, and that we have been encouraged to use the word "there" whenever and wherever we can, as the word is spilling out of the English Lit. class at the University and has been found in both the Physics room and Music Theory chamber as well. So "there"!
John
Edited on Jun 15, 8:58 p.m. because ''. -
wonderful... cant say it enough!
even if you did not tell us it was about a dancer, i could've guessed it was by your beautiful choice of words and descriptians. i really like this poem as well as all the other poems ive read that were yours. you have a very interesting way about your words which are very vivid and i always feel as though im there when you thought of these past expiriences. i know of but one person (on this site) who i can even compare the talents of poetry with yours; his name is Benji... although he write mostly freeverse, yu both have wonderful words and use your talent wisely... you are a great writer and i hoe to learn and grow by reading your poems...
,,,^..^,,,
p.s. i feel smart, i used lots of language i wouldnt normally use... i usually only write like that for school... weird!!!
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nadir: it further validates.
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Hello Erin,
I have enjoyed the exchanges here in thread nearly as much as the poem itself...
WoW!...I am glad to see there is a sappy side lurking in there somewhere...lol.
Your variations in meter were not so distracting to me. I felt like they worked out pretty well considering this is an Indian maiden dancing to her own rhythm and that has been shown to be not always on the exact same beat as something like Chubby Checker's "twist". Perhaps my comments are off base, but perhaps they further validate your leaving this jewel in its "rough-cut" state.
Cheers, my friend,
Del -
and you know, i was digging in the old printed papers i have from 1992 and found another one written to the same person, twice as corny, three times as mushy, and four times as pathetic. i'll have to type it up and post it here. no wonder my relationship at the time died miserably...
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yipeee
now my poems prompt people to submit such wonderful work
now whos this yamuna
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I wonder how beautiful this female would be from within ......good that you didnt revise more into this piece....however crude atttempt it would be...the original tang of the feeelinngs penned at that time shouldnt change!!
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This is a mind-blowing write describing the magnificent dancer - Yamuna. The name puts me in transition, taking me back to the land I come from. I can actually see her dance to the divine rhythms of the tabla... It's a very passionate poem revealing love. Crytic towards the end. Well done.
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Bz: aye, i understand where you're coming from. i'm not interested in making a diamond out of this roughage. i like that this, even in its revised state, lets me see a part of myself that is in most other ways lost to me. this is memory to me. i get to see and share another aspect of my being and experience, a past aspect. when i wrote this, my only exposure to poetry was about 9 years worth of reading classical poetry. you can see how dramatically it affected my syntax and word use. in fact, i not only wrote poems this way at the time, i actually spoke this way in every day conversation. don't forget i got no schooling, and the only grammar and vocabulary i was really absorbing from the age of 12 forward was what i found in classical poetry.
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Well. You have improved in your poetic abilities yarns above this piece. I love the imagery but some of the lines I don't like. I've told you about them in person and you refuse to change them for the memory's sake. The word "There" is used too frequently for my taste. It would be so easy for you to make a diamond out of this roughage, but I respect your refusal to do so. I still think it would show more dedication to this woman if you changed a few lines. But enough of that. You know my opinion.
Jenna
Edited on Jun 14, 8:30 p.m. because ''.
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