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Death would bring relief

I just can’t sleep
With or without you
I toss, I turn…I think
How could I have stopped it,
How could it have been different?

In the shower I sit, crying
The water rushing away all these feelings
The fear, the reality, the pain, the grief
The hate…
The hate that has grown from the act,
As a sapling does a seed
It grows and branches out
Like the magnificent sycamore
And covers the forest floors.
The water washes away the salt
From an endless stream of tears
Still flowing from fresh grief.

Questions unanswered swim in my mind:
Did you like it?
Was she better?
Did you even think about me?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?

It hurts almost as much to say “I love you,”
As it does to say, “I hate you”.
And right now, I do hate you.
So much, with such passion…
With the same passion I loved you with before…
I hate you now. And probably always will.

And I hope you never understand why.
Because I would never wish this kind of pain…
Heartache…
Intimate death…
On anyone- not even you!
But I hope you realize that forgiveness
May not be an option.

Every tear that I cried, every sob I choked on…
Every thought of self-blame…
All my now magnified insecurities…
And my greatly lowered self-esteem…
They all came with a price,
One you’ll have to pay.

Why you picked a time
When everything was seemingly ok
I’ll never know.
But it would have hurt a lot less
For you to have stabbed me in the heart…
At least death would bring relief.

Author notes

I hate to make you all think that we always fight, but my boyfriend (Whose name is Eugene, and has a page on here, too. Under the name "Eugene") and I are going through a really rough time right now. Everything seemed fine.. But then yesterday he cheated on me and it really hurt... Because I love him... But right now I hate him. But this is something I came up with.
Written June 9th, 2005

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Comments


  • Aedara-Wren silver member
    June 9, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    I agree with VickieJ you probably don't hate him and you'll realise that when the anger goes away, but that doesn't mean you'll be able to forgive him!!great write, though, really emotional!! Dara

  • Juthika
    June 9, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    I like this...it shows inner strength. Hang in there, he'll realize his mistake. And your poem will do the trick!!!


  • Vickie J
    June 9, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    You probably don't hate him, but hate the thing that he did. You are right, I think rejection can be worse than death. Although with rejection,you eventually heal and with death, well that's pretty final. I hope you guys can get it all worked out. (btw, in your advertisement you said this was a quick read giving the impression this was short and really it's looong - so I almost just clicked out but didn't want to waste your pts )