Lights dim
Heart sinks into gut
with anticipation
A pause in the dark
Still
Reels begin to wind
projecting images onto the screen
Familiar pictures
Mimicking memories of life,
Specifically mine.
Wanting to escape, trapped
in the theatre of life
no choice but to remain seated
The same movie replaying
Over
And
Over.....
Again.
I, enjoying the fact that
for a moment,I was the star
Hating it for being the reminder that
I'm no longer in the spotlight
Enthralled with the bucket
containing popped
kernels as if it were a way out,
that once, and if, in fact, I ever was released from
the theatre, it would transport myself to become
the feature presentation once more.
I
close
my eyes and then open them
Again
And
Again to
see if I was dreaming and
of course I wasn't.
This movie in my head
so intense
as I feel droplets of water emerge from the corners of
my eyes.
Tears stream down
my cheek mixing the
salty flavor into the popped corn...
Drops of salty tears disguised among the drenched-in-butter
kernels.
And then the gush of water comes like melted butter, flowing
and
rushing
d
o
w
n
my
leg
without a single touch but of a memory.
Each time just merely the thought of the motion picture brings
about the mixture of liquids until one cannot
be distinguished from another Moist and Wet
The film comes to an end and I try to pry my eyes open but they won't budge.
The lights briefly shine at their brightest and
slowly dim
Again.
Heart sinks in to gut with anticipation Again
There is a pause Again
And it is still Again
I am trapped in the memories that have taken over my own life.... AGAIN.
Author notes
critique or whatever.
Written June 8th, 2005
A contest entry
- Lights Camera, Emotion! by the Angel in Hell.
353 points, ended January 14, 2007, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - For Those Poets Who Have Never Won A Trophy Before by wings of an angel.
525 points, ended February 26, 2007, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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i thik this is interesting and makes you want to read more.
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Strong points:
~~ This is worthy to be in the best shape it can be. I will first say I liked how you
turned a poem into a theatre of thought . . . just as the contest holder asked.
~~ Even if this was intended as an adult theme, I would say that it can also take the shape of something
much more abstract. It’s not clear, but I like ‘some’ ambiguity at times. It suggests
layers and revelation.
Suggestions:
~~ No capitals are needed since you are intending on bringing out the subltey.
I’d use all of them in low case, especially in the parts where you repeat ‘Again’.
~~ Several lines are trite and dilute the wonderful tension you want.
~~ Contractions aren’t always effective where drama is concerned. It’s best
To use ‘will not’ instead of ‘won’t’, do not instead of ‘don’t’ at least most of
the time.
I realize the effect you want to give, but the format, however creative,
produces confusion and distracts the reader. Below is a suggested edit or rewrite were it mine.
Of course, do as what is best for you. I’m merely suggesting.
~~ “about the mixture of liquids until one cannot
be distinguished from another Moist and Wet”ß I realize the attempt to illustrate dominance with the capitals, but it isn’t needed in my opinion. The poem already sets itself a ‘stage’. I would, instead, place them separately as you do some of your other words.
~~ Some lines that you are trying to accentuate are really not as dependant to the theme, therefore, not needed.
* the popped corn illustration should be used only once (if at all), and any other reference to it would need to be phrased differently.
* punctuation is over-used and not necessary- it’s too pretty to clutter. I’d lift nearly ‘all’ of it, and use it only when a thought ends. Especially with the ellipses (series of periods).
(just learned this as per myrataal, author
!) Rule for ellipses-- use sparingly with a space before and after for the best affect.
I won’t run on, dear, so here is a suggested rewrite.
Lights dim
heart sinks into gut
with anticipation
a pause in the dark
still
reels begin to wind
projecting images onto the screen
familiar pictures
miming memories of life,
mine
wanting to escape, trapped
in the theatre of life
no choice but to remain seated,
the same movie playing
over and
over
again.
For a moment, I was the star
hating its reminder that
I'm no longer in the spotlight
enthralled with the bucket
containing popped kernels - ( is it really necessary?)
as if it were a way out
that once, and if, in fact, I ever was released from
the theatre, I would again be
the featured presentation.
I
close
my eyes and then open them
again
and
again to
see if it were a dream
no, it was not
I feel droplets of water swell from the corners
my eyes.
Tears stream down
my cheek
Drops of salty tears hide
in the buttered kernals
a gush of water flowing
rushing
d
o
w
n
my
leg
without a single touch , but a memory
just the thought of the motion picture brings
about the liquid mixtures until one cannot
be distinguish the consistencies.
The film finishes;
I try to pry my eyes open
but they will not budge.
the lights briefly rise to intensity
while slowly dimming
again.
my heart sinks with anticipation
again
pausing, still, again
and
again.
I am trapped in the memories that
consume me . . . again.
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Hi there. This will be a good one to critique and I assure you I'll give it a go sometime this morning, Monday.
Thank you for your trust.
Very nice.
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Powerful words and well done. It's interesting the role memories play in ones life, as I age they become stronger. I enjoyed this one. Happy trails
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i love great poetry this exceptional the flow and thought and imagery.. everything just fit.. well done done! thanks for sharing
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a great poem with some good words. iit realy shows your thoughts and goes well with the prompt iloved the structure, it was different, but good. well done!
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This is a very good poem you penned here dear poet, good luck in my contest
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great
I really like this poem, I love the way it was written. good luck in the contest -
very special poem, the shape and everything, very nice~
DAnni -
Very well done I like the abstract styling you use and the poem flowed nicely this is well written and was a joy to read we are all sometimes trapped by memories some wonderful and some haunting you did good on this one thanks for posting it
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I like how you write about your memories without ever revealing any of them. That's talent. This is well formatted, thought out, and written. The beauty that comes with memories is that tomorrow you can create new ones. Don't get stuck in the past-move on. Peace be with you.
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Awesome!
What a fabulous write! I love the way you formatted this! It's awesome! I can't wait to read more of your poems! Great Job! -
Thank you for the comment on my poem. I wasn't entirely sure of what I thought about it when it was completed..and still really am not sure...so I just wanted to get an idea see what others might think...after all.. poetry is never finished, only abandoned
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Oh wow, this one is a little different. It is still written amazingly. You are obviously an extremely talented writer and individual. Keep writing; the results are fantastic.
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