Today I contemplated suicide.
It has been long since I’ve done that;
not in many, many years.
It was over something stupid,
as it usually is, and I just decided
that I am tired of all the crap.
I can’t be what he wants me to be;
we’ve established that it will never happen.
I bent the mower blade and asked if he would fix it.
That entailed a lecture about rocks and sticks.
Supper was a quiet affair; even the kids took note.
No "thank, you" or "that was great", he just walked out.
So, now he wants to know, “Why the attitude?”
I said, “You would not understand.”
Wherein entails another lecture.
I am not a child, nor do I care to be treated as such.
Nothing is the same, anymore; I feel so lost.
When he touches me, I cringe inside.
Is it because there was another?
I promised it did not matter, but was I wrong?
I know he loves me; he tells me so, all the time.
But, he never shows it; is that what’s wrong?
He looks at the overgrown flowerbed.
“Are you going to get some Roundup?” he asks
in that tone of voice reserved for disbelief.
“You never finish anything; you leave it half-done.”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
*I walk into the house, returning minutes later.
Without a word, I take the gun and shoot him.
Confusion clouds his eyes as he asks, “Why?”
“I made up my mind that if you said one more thing,
I was going to shoot you,” I said by way of explanation.
“You say I never finish anything. Well, now I have.
What do you think? Are you proud that I did?
You see, you have never understood me.
If I am down, you call out for meds.
I cannot just be quiet; you think I am mad.
If I am happy, then you take away my joy.
I can no longer sing; you do not like the music.
I can no longer play; you are not as good.
I can no longer write poetry; no one will understand it.
I can no longer write stories; they are not productive.
I can clean the house and wait on you hand and foot.
I can run your errands and field your calls.
I can share in your business, even though
I have no interest in what you do.”
As I watch his last breath slowly gurgle out,
I kneel down and brush a curl from his forehead.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME NOW? I whisper.*
©2005 rous
6-8-2005
Author notes
E l r e n i a
This did not happen. I may have thought it up, but in no way would I ever do it. But, sometimes, in the heat of anger, or hurt, we want to do something. How big of a step is it from wanting to doing?
This was entered in the Contest:
Best of the Best #4: FREE-VERSE & RHYME by Ayizan.
It won the bronze.
Entered in the contest *A Killer's Dream*~ [Contest] by XxRoguexX
I read their poems: Heaveny Creature and Twisted.
This was an entry for the contest 'if only you knew' by tantalisingtyger666
Pulled from contest because host honestly could not commit to commenting.
Entered in the contest: Contest: ....wouldn't you like ta know? (that means ENTER!)
by XxKylezMyne666xX
http://allpoetry.com/Contest/2003711
Did not win, so must NOT have been the best. LOL
Entered in the contest: Wanted: Dark Writers Reward: Trophies
by BreakingxThexHabit
http://allpoetry.com/contest/2180453contest/
Won the Bronze
Entered in the Contest: Darkness raids.... by phoenixfromdust
http://allpoetry.com/contest/2333259
Did not place
Entered in the contest: Things we can't talk about. by WednesdayJade
http://allpoetry.com/contest/2465553
Written June 7th, 2005
A contest entry
- Wanted: Dark Writers Reward: Trophies by BreakingxThexHabit.
300 points, ended August 17, 2006, 18 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Darkness raids.... by phoenixonfire.
300 points, ended December 3, 2006, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Blasphemous Rumours by Exodus.
500 points, ended February 5, 2007, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - its time to say goodbye... by Darkcrazychick.
380 points, ended April 2, 2007, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - DEEP, DARK, EMOTIONAL, ANYTHING! by Heavens Child.
425 points, ended April 10, 2007, 46 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Blink by RedAquarius.
440 points, ended May 11, 2007, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Things we can't talk about. by WednesdayJade.
850 points, ended November 24, 36 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
A critical criticism invited.
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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=] good write. I'm sure many could relate to just wanted to shoot someone sometimes.
Thank you for entering.
x x x -
Nicely done story, definitely shows how our lifes can change with ease. Good luck and thanks for entering.
(as a side note, your author's notes are a bit of a detraction for me - I don't really care what it may have won previously or what contests it was in - that will not influence my own judging.) -
A powerful poem
Such powerful emotion expressed here and emotions that I can associate with.
Well done
hugs
Cherry xx
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I really enjoyed reading this, and you have a good point, how big of a step IS it from wanting to doing? The way you have told it is very vivid. I specifically like the way you have contradicted the whisper at the end with capitals.
Thankyou for such an interesting piece ^.^
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You are welcome. Just a bit of my madness spilled on paper, or screen rather.
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i like this one..the story that u told was heart pinching and i like the way its been put! the poem is nicely framed and it flows well! And i am glad it did not happen! Thanks for everything and good luck !
preet -
Yami,
Glad to hear you like it. We shall see how much. LOL -
all i can say is wow. the emotion was great. i think this was the best i've read all day. good luck in the contest.
Yami
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Thank you. This is a passing feeling that raises its ugly head periodically. Then, things even out and are all right until the next time. I thank God that the times are few and far between. This is just my way of venting. I say, so I will not dwell on doing. Make sense?
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Sorry for your emptiness you feel inside, and you should feel more important to the people who so call care for you. Thanks for sharing you, pen on, and all the best within life and this contest!
-Timothy The Poetic Weaver -
Thank you for your comments and the boost to my self-confidence. I have had many moments like this, just not as bad. And, we learn to cope. It is what women do. Again, thank you.
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crystaldust 12-06-05 16:19
I've just found this one and, first of all: thank God for AP where you can give vent to your justified emotions and frustrations and look at them in the daylight right outside yourself! The most remarkable think about these two sequences is where you say you are coping because you've been there so many times before. That shows enormous strength and, whether you want to hear it or not, confidence in yourself beneath all the indignity he has heaped on you. So, please, don't lose hope and don't give up. Somehow, I don't think either of those things will happen to you.Congratulations on your trophy: you certainly deserved it. -
Hi, the applause is for how this piece was written, I wish I could write like this. hugs Di
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Yeah, very human, I have just had them way too many times. And, I do not like rows. But, he has managed to stifle the muses for a while. And, you do not need to give me points or applauds. While I crave recognition, I have learned to live on very little of it. I think I will go have a beer. Thanks for the words. And, I will get over it, I always do. LOL I think that is why we have been together so long. No one else would put up with either of our personalities. LOL Take care.
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Hi, very human feelings and you are not the only one to have had them, so you are not alone my friend, no we would never do it but we think about it sometimes, sounds like he is a bit of a bully, he wants to mold you to his way, I think he should realise you are point one a woman not a man like he is, point two, you are indervidual you have your own identity, your own needs and wants, maybe even if you do not like doing it a good shout to let him know what you need, we don't like rows but sometimes it takes one to get through, my friend, sing, play your music, write your poems and your stories and be damned, no one has the right to take that away from you, and even if it's not productive so what, I feel for you, wish I was nearer, a very big hug Di, sorry no applause or points or I would give you a lot. xx
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