the fuzzy synapse,
plastered and skewed
in fluorescent gaudy pastel
(evidence that beauty is only
Tawdry with a veil)
[...]
interposed between your cheeks,
slanting into parenthesis,
(but i care not to think of them as parenthesis)
that seems to dull
the triteness of roses,
or the repetition of excuses
[for poetry, my lad]
and now the avarice factories are in
overdrive,
and all they are producing
are: buckets of water
that are finicky and hazy
remembrances of you.
all i want
are all those buckets
to jump into;
a virtual circus act
and its a shame
that you are stuck in a bucket.
forgive my greed:
it is only
Motivation with a veil.
Author notes
Please comment on this poem. Please do not the regurgitated "great" comment. I would greatly appreciate an honest and non-cookie-cutter response. Tell me if you like it and why, or tell me if you hate it and why. I know this may be asking for a lot, but it is party of being a member of this site. Thanks.
Written June 5th, 2005
What did you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
-
honest........you sound like you're spun out of your mind.
-
Strange but still pretty good. People can definitely make you feel stuck in something - a bucket? A box? Whatever, it does happen, and you dealt with it pretty well.
-
ah, i knew I recognized this title...
-
Just screwing with you, eggo-boy.
I thought it was really shaky up until oh, say:
'and now the avarice factories are in'
I think you could probably slash and burn everything up to that point, but that's just me.
Don't get me wrong, it's a neat description, but not as neat as the second half. Plus, it doesn't really seem to follow logically. Or precede logically, I suppose. I think you could flesh out the whole 'pathetic fallacy' thing a little better. At least try 'n make it as good as the last half.
Or not....I don't actually know what I'm talking about. Shhh! Don't you fucking tell anyone! -
i love the style of this piece, you pulled it off well. It has a great tone to it, sort of sarcastic yet very heartfelt. I was sort of just pulled along for the ride at the beginning, but the ending was a great fit, great word choices and flow to this piece. (sorry i said great twice...hehe).
anyways, an overall capturing write, well done and worth a few reads!
nice write -
oooo, ths wuz rely good!!!11!!!1 i dun kno wut it meanz, but i still like it, lololol!!
Adding your comment:
1 - 6 of 6
