Life Sucks Without a Penis!!!

CHAPTER 1
THE REALITY OF LIFE

This story is not about wanting a sex change operation or being a nymphomaniac. It is about how women are treated in life, or even girls for that matter.  Hopefully by the time you have reached the end of this story, you will realize how very unfair life has become FOR FEMALES since the burning of the bra, Women’s Rights, Dr. Spock, and how very much the world has changed.  Some people feel that the world has changed for the better.  I am certain, without any shred of doubt, that those who do, surely were blessed to have been born with a penis.  I unfortunately was not.  

I think it is best to start at the beginning …. the very beginning. I was born in Eastern Arkansas, and grew up in a little town called Moro. I am the youngest of five children … actually I tied in fourth place with my twin sister, but we made five for our mom and dad. Actually I was born 15 minutes before her so I am the next to the youngest I guess, if you want to look at it that way.  

At any rate… Moro was pure country.  Miles and miles of dirt roads, trees, wild flowers, wild blackberries, mulberry bushes, rice, cotton and soy bean fields. My uncles were all farmers, as well as my granddad, and my dad enjoyed gardening and farming a little of his own, with my older brothers to help out. He also worked two to three jobs to keep us all fed.  My mom was usually at home with us, and had a huge garden and stayed very busy at home with all of us. She spent her days and nights cleaning, canning, cooking, doing laundry and trying to keep track of all of us. She later worked as a dental assistant and then was our school nurse, which was really a cool thing back then. She had a little school bus she drove and we could ride to and from school with her.  We had a very loving, happy and secure childhood in the country, although we were sheltered for the most part and hadn’t yet been enlightened to the ways of the world.  Although, regardless of the content ways of life, after a while, we learned without a doubt that when you were born without a penis life just wasn’t  nearly as much fun.  

Getting back to our family – I have two older brothers and an older sister, and of course my twin.  I learned early in life that it was kind of odd when our brothers would go fishing, and we had to help to wash the dishes or dust the furniture. Our brothers had their tree house that was strictly off limits to girls, while we played in our playhouse, which our brothers wouldn’t touch with a 10 foot pole.  The sad thing was that we liked to climb trees and we really wanted to get up in their tree house, but knew we would be in a lot of trouble if we did. Girls just didn’t get to do what boys did. I knew I was capable of fishing and climbing in tree houses, and I couldn’t understand why all of the fun things were off limits because I was a girl. When I was 3 years old I asked for a purse, guns and cowboy boots for my birthday.  Hey, I was willing to bend a little!!  We all had our chores to do, but theirs seemed like so much more fun.  We swept the porch and raked the leaves, gathered eggs or helped shell peas, while they could go skinny dipping.    

We couldn’t skinny dip because we were girls, and frankly I didn’t see the fun in that anyway.  Who would want to swim naked?  Our uncles had canals to water the rice fields with, and they would pump fresh water into them and we could swim there.  I don’t even swim in a lake now, but life was so much simpler then. We always had a cabin on the Fourth of July and would swim at Bear Creek or East Lake and that was always so much fun. The boys would go off by themselves and go fishing or skinny dipping and the girls would take care of the little ones, help set the table or clear it and help our moms clean the cabins while the men and boys did their thing.  I saw a pattern forming already.  

The boys would build forts in the woods, which we could never do with them, and they would ride bikes and horses and we could only watch, because we were girls and we weren’t as tough as boys were.  

Our older sister Patti was a little Suzie Homemaker/Betty Crocker, and loved frilly dresses and make-up and dressing up in Mama’s clothes.  She loved to play school house and she and our cousin June would crack the ruler across our hands for no apparent reason.  She loved playing house and playing with her Barbie’s, but my twin sister and I and our cousin Jill would much rather play Cowboys and Indians.  We wanted a horse as bad as Patti wanted a sink and stove for our little playhouse.  She finally got her sink and stove, but we never did get our horse.  Finally, we were old enough to ride a horse of our uncles. Her name was “Ole Betty” and she was such a sweet horse and so gentle with us.  Until we had “Ole Betty”, we used butane tanks as our horses, or a fence post. We would run and straddle those butane tanks & kick the sides. I am surprised it didn’t blow up on us.  Fences weren’t much fun as you would get an occasional splinter which wasn’t fun either.  But, we were desperate … anything would do actually, as we wanted to be cowboys.  What a feeling it was to gallop into the wind with our hair blowing and not a care in the world!  Just like Roy Rogers or John Wayne with their hats blowing in the wind. If I was a boy my name would have been Billy.  I loved the name Billy. I was always Billy when we played cowboys. Mama would remind us that we were cowgirls and we would pout.  It just wasn’t the same somehow.  No, I was Billy – it just fit.

On many occasions we would also swing on ropes or vines out in the woods & play Tarzan. Tarzan was my ultimate hero.  I wanted to be just like him.  I always thought that Jane was kind of a wuss. After all, she was a woman and had to get meals ready and clean the tree house and had to wear a dress when Tarzan got a loin cloth with no shirt. I always thought he looked really dumb in a suit. I never wanted to be Jane. What fun would that be, when you could be Tarzan and dive off of waterfalls, swing through the trees with Cheetah and wrestle alligators.  Now that was living! I tried to master swinging through vines like he did. I tried it once, the vine broke and I fell six feet and almost killed myself. It was worth it though.  

When we were younger, we were able to go without a shirt in the summer heat until we moved into town and then that stopped, but the boys could still do it.  I was only 7 years old so I really couldn’t understand. It was so hot outside and boys could take their shirts off.  More and more I realized that life just wasn’t fair without a penis.  Frankly, it really sucked.

I celebrated my 10th birthday in Davenport, Iowa and what a culture shock that was for us. We moved to a neighborhood like “Leave It To Beaver” and received our first Huffy bicycles for our birthday.  Of course, we wanted the bar across the top, but we had to have girl’s bicycles … another stumbling block. Then it was time for a bra.  What a thrill.  Not long after that it was time to shave our armpits and legs.  I still have scars on my knees from that. I never knew how skin debridement was done until I managed to do it in the bathtub & thought I was hemorrhaging to death.  I should have had skin grafting on several occasions I think. What a joy being a young woman was.  I was ecstatic, and could hardly contain myself. Panty hose and a slip was even more fun when it was 106 degrees out.

My mother was truly beautiful in her dresses, panty hose & high heels, with her make-up and her hair fixed up. My dad would just beam, as she was absolutely a knock-out, and she actually acted like she enjoyed being a woman. I later realized that my dad took good care of her and she took good care of him and of us, and they adored each other.  They weren’t equal – he was head of the house, but he also respected her and her feelings …. she didn’t burn her bra – she had no reason to.  She could work or she could stay home.  Whatever she wanted to do she could do.  He would take care of us either way, and she would too.  

We couldn’t wear pants to school in Davenport, Iowa in the winter even though the snow was up to our hips.  At our school we had a dress code which included dresses, dresses and dresses. My mother tried to change it with a petition, but it didn’t work. These people were sadistic or something.  Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t  mind an occasional dress, just not in 20 degree weather. Boys could wear pants all year long and shorts in the summer, but not girls. Once again… a penis came in so handy in life.  If you didn’t have one of those, you had freezer burn on your lips, knees, and eyelids, and your glasses would fog up when you cried all of the way home. I still love winter.

Our brothers had paper routes which we couldn’t do, and our older brother worked at the concession stand at the football games at the high school & would bring home huge bags of popcorn. We couldn’t do that either, but we could iron and fold clothes for an allowance and had our first babysitting jobs and started cooking more and more meals and baking … girls stuff.  After all, we were limited in what we could do.  We didn’t have a penis like they did.

I celebrated my 12th birthday in Pennsville, New Jersey. Talk about another culture shock … wow. I couldn’t even understand their language. I think the teachers thought we were mentally delayed, but there was nothing wrong with our intelligence – they just talked really weird.  A lavatory was a bathroom and a hopper was the toilet.  I spent my first year wondering if life would ever be normal again.  Apparently not, as then mother nature hit and I knew it would never be normal. I tried to remember what my mother taught me, and my twin sister impatiently helped me figure out what to do with that Kotex and belt. What an odd contraption that was.  She was ticked because she had to stop watching a movie to help me. Once again, I was so thrilled to be a young woman… cramps, bloating and misery.  I remember my dad asking what was wrong with us monthly and my mom would whisper to him and he would quietly say, “hmm”.  He didn’t talk much about those things, but she was very open about things and our brothers were usually pretty good when it was our “monthly time”.  I often wondered why it wasn’t announced in the church bulletin or on the Channel 6 News.  Now, in a year I had a bra, Kotex & pimples. I don’t know what other young women thought, but I was just thoroughly enjoying myself.  If you had a penis you didn’t have to deal with all of this – pimples maybe, but nothing else.  My insight was deepening.  Life really, really sucked without a penis.

Once again, we had jobs as babysitting once we moved to another neighborhood. My older brother had joined the Navy after graduation, married and had a new baby. The lucky little thing had a penis & I was so thrilled!! A nephew!!  What a joy he was.  My twin and I had him in our room for a while. I don’t know how he ever  woke us from our slumber, but he managed to.  He would wake up with a wet diaper hanging down to his ankles and he was the light of our life.

I finally adjusted to being a young woman, for the most part, although I gave up the clarinet and threw rifles on the drill team in high school and played softball. I still hadn’t outgrown those guns and I still had a pair of cowboy boots hidden in my closet.  I had a boyfriend in the 8th grade who had a mini bike and he would let me ride it some with him. He finally let me ride it by myself, but wouldn’t let me ride it after I ramped over a ditch with it. He was afraid I would get hurt.  I knew it was because he had a penis and I didn’t.  He could get just as hurt when he ramped it… actually more if he landed on the little bitty thingy (although I have no idea of the size of it, but that's another chapter yet to be written isn't it).  

Years have flown by now and although I have many other stories to relate to you about how happy my life has been without a penis, time doesn’t permit for me to continue.  God did bless me with three handsome sons, and I do hope I have instilled a few qualities in them that some men don’t have.  It’s too late for my husband to change… as well as other men out there, but I think I have finally gotten through to my sons about how life is different when you are blessed with a penis than if you aren’t.  

I had come home from working at the hospital and had also worked at another clinic for a couple of hours, and stopped to pick up some groceries.  I walked into the house and the house looked like a bomb hit, my 4 year old greeted me with a hug and told me he was hungry.  It was now 7:30 and no supper had been started, so I started supper, threw in a load of laundry, pulled out the vacuum and started vacuuming the living room, took out the trash, I had the boys pick up their toys, and then start on their homework, as I loaded the dishwasher from breakfast dishes that I had left before getting my two older boys on the bus and my youngest to day care on my way to work. I walked into our bedroom and found my husband asleep on the bed with the T.V. blaring, sound asleep.  I woke him up screaming and he informed me how hard he had worked at his 8 hour job and he was tired.  Somehow I don’t see the fairness in this, but then again… how could I?  I asked my 4 year old why I was left having to do everything and he rolled his eyes and rested his head on his hand while sitting on the couch and disgustingly said, “Because you don’t have a penis mom”.  I suddenly realized that I had a breakthrough… I had actually reached my 4 year old son about how life is just not fun when you are a woman and a mother.  My husband managed to get off of the bed to eat supper, showered and then went to bed, leaving me the supper dishes, clothes to fold, boys to get in the tub and into bed, and a few other things to do around the house.  Amazingly when I finally climbed into bed at 3:00 A.M., he was wide awake and wanting to cuddle.  I think he still has a scar over his right eye from me kicking him out of the bed and he hit the bedside table.  I may be stuck cleaning and cooking and everything else, because I wasn’t blessed with a penis, but I know without a doubt that the secret in Victoria’s Secret is that she stayed single!!  

CHAPTER TWO
HEAD OF HOUSEHOLD – WITHOUT A PENIS

It is a well known fact in my home that if you have a penis you work much harder than those that don’t.  Not only that, you have a higher salary for having a penis.  No matter what education you have… if you have a penis, you get paid more.  Also, the highlight of having a penis is that you can sit around the rest of the day and on weekends with a remote control and watch whatever you want to watch because it is your time off and you have worked so very hard.  You don’t have to cook, take out the trash or do yard work because you are so tired from carrying that penis around all week you deserve to rest, and by God you will.  You can do whatever you want to do.  As far as paying the bills… if you have a penis you can spend your check on yourself and if you don’t have a penis you can’t.  Facts are facts.  If you have a penis you don’t have to be responsible, you don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to, and you get to have fun and to put it simply,  life is good.   Life sucks when you don’t have a penis.


CHAPTER THREE
HOW TO PUT DOWN THE TOILET SEAT, FLUSH, AND CLEAN THE TOILET SEAT AND OTHER INSTRUCTIONS FOR THOSE WITH A PENIS

Well, I think the title pretty much says it all in this chapter. If you are a female and have ever woken up in the middle of the night to empty your bladder and found yourself in an instant cold sitz bath you can relate to this chapter.

I think one important lesson that all parents need to teach their sons is how to put up and down the toilet seat.  This is a very important factor to learn for their livelihood in later years.  People with penises aren’t always very coordinated or accurate with urinating.  Either don’t put it up beforehand and they spray wash the toilet, walls and trash can like a car wash, or better yet, they don’t put the seat up if they have been kind enough to lift it in the first place, because you have nothing else to do in your spare time than to put it down for them. As far as cleaning up after themselves,  THEY DON’T KNOW HOW!!  I know for a fact that my husband has cleaned the toilets 3 times in 10 years. That is a fact people.  If you don’t have a penis, you get to clean up their toilets too.  Yep, life just gets better and better.  I hope Suzie Homemaker is a happy little BIMBO!!! Thanks for nothing you twit!!


CHAPTER FOUR
AWWWW AM I SLAMMING THE GUYS HERE???

I need to note that not all “people with a penis” are inconsiderate, lazy, immature jerks as some of those I have had to deal with in my life, and others “without a penis” have had to deal with.  My dad was hardworking and loving, my two older brothers are also hardworking and loving.  They did do their share around the house as well as not take their women for granted, or take advantage of the remote control, just because they were born with a penis.  Unfortunately, they are only approximately 2% of the population (from what I have gathered speaking with other women) that are like that.  Men have actually come out pretty well with the burning of the bra & women’s lib – they now have a partner to help bring in the checks and for a bonus they still have June Cleaver, with the added bonus of getting to sleep in the same bed, which Mr. Cleaver never had the option to do on T.V.  

There are benefits to being a woman in this day and age, and when someone informs me of what those are, I will write about that too ... when I get the time do do that of course...  

TO BE CONTINUED...