Stars strike bitter fire
on the deep cerulean canvas
of the night
stretching , I reach
to be a part a piece,
something I am not,
can't be.
In the crowded sky of night
in the brightest heart of the heavens
there must be another flame
burning out on the fuel of lost love
and the cold comfort
of loneliness.
Why am I so very
Strongly,
firmly
Connected – rooted
But still so unsure that
I am grounded
Jealous of the freedom
Of those dancing lights
Above me,
inside me
The breeze teases me with kisses
And whispers songs of distant lives
While I reach to a dreaming sky
Always just out of touch
Given tears,
I would weep
Given hope
I would grow
Given dreams
I would fly
Now instead
I die
Author notes
Written June 3rd, 2005
In a list
A contest entry
- Take What You Want From It by grassisgreener.
300 points, ended November 12, 2006, 5 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give me your best #2 by love my jose luis.
600 points, ended April 28, 2007, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 56 of 56
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Although I am usually disappointed by poems that develop angst and loss so strongly and then end with the escape of death instead of finding a way to move on, this piece I think is okay the way it is. I love the idea of the stars burning on the passion of love that is no longer there between people on earth. Wow. Great job here, truly
"to be a part a piece
something I am not,"
maybe should be
"to be a part, a piece,
of something I am not,"
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Even if the clouds cover the sky, that doesn'
Goddamn, that was deep, it was packed with emotion, I absolutely loved it, I have almost no words to how good it was, congrats. Keep up the good work you, and take care. Good luck in the contest! -
dear e a collins, thank you very much for having entered the contest, for which I wish you good luck. I can see why you chose to submit this poem, it is a very profound piece, in which you unveil the depths of your soul, exposing your thoughts, questions, longings and concerns in a very particular and interesting way. it is a quite mysterious poem which merits to be read several times, in order to be fully discovered and uncovered. may your poem resonate with jean-marc's soul in the vastness of the "lonely crowded sky". many blessings,
, mariananda
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Strong imagery on nearly every line. It all ties in very nicely. Enjoyed this very much.
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A very soulful piece. Makes me stop and ponder.
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this has a deep soul yearning... being so grounded is why we feel so tempted by infinity. The catch 22 of survival. This is sublimely touching. Thank you x
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excellent
I enjoyed reading this poem through a second time. It is vwery well written and one can imagine hearing the tree pondering these things. Thank you for sharing this with us. I hope you do well in the contest. -
I just love the feeling this gives me of being the actual coffee looking up at those dancing cups. "Strong," "rooted," "grounded" coffee looking up at "bitter" stars and "dancing cups," perhaps longing to mix it up with the milky way. LOL. It's so whimsical. Other than taking out the line "inside me," I guess I would leave this the way it is...
thanks! -
Yes! And I have to say that this is one of the best entries so far!
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Please try it again. See if the changes have improved the flow and construction.
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on the deep cerulean canvas
of the night ... you use too many difinitive articles.
to be a part a piece, ... you are missing a comma in this line.
And whispers songs of distant lives... this line doesn't need the conjunction.
Thanks for entering. I hope you will submit to MSLJ in the future.
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I think you've nailed it here by using the word, "diversion."
All to often it has become such an attempt to decipher the
actual poem through backgrounds and images, that I now claim
to know how to read Egyptian hieroglyphs.
I find that I constantly have to remind myself where I am
when coming here. This is not a site that bills itself as
a place for "serious" poets; instead, it is a fun community
for exploring and learning and I suppose creating a fancy
page is part of the fun for some. Still, it's a matter of
seeing through the mirage.
Reading this poem a few times, I was left with many thoughts.
Despite not having modern conveniences, perhaps ancient man
had it better than we did. Their concerns were nothing more
than the basic requirements for survival. As modern people,
we now have to consider our own self image, the perception of
us by others, and even contemplate the choices we have made.
When I compare the ancient and modern life in my mind, I can't
help but think each has its advantages and disadvantages.
In this poem you have expertly expressed this plight and
problem with us as a modern society. Each of us experiences
hindsight, possible options, and desires for differences.
Do we dare attempt to stretch our own reality to its
maximum potential, or do we learn to honestly value the
life we have? These are the wonderful questions this
piece left me to consider.
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This is an oustanding write, with excellent imagery and feelings of a tree. And you didn't give the fact you were a tree away, you gvae us clues which was a great idea. Like the roots and everything... And symbolizing life and death. I also love the name of this poem!
The end was really my fave. 'Now instead, I die'. It was really emotional. And great. And effective for a poem to have the tree speaking.
This is a great poem!
Well done!
Lady anairO -
Welcome
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Thank you. This is one of my favorites as well. It carried far past its original birth ( an Ava Noire contest.) Thanks again.
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I read this aloud and it just sounded so good and flowed so well...
CONGRATS for the silver!!
Evalinka
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very poetic
This full of imagination and heart you even put your soul in it
the beauty in the cerulean canvos caught my eye along with the last 4 words... -
I got lost in this poem, its so beautiful. I don't think anyone could read it and not be taken away~
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Well, I do believe it is better in its original form. I'm glad you changed it then and really presented it as you wanted us to read it. Thanks for entering
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Wow...
the format reminded me of a picture... it was simply amazing!!
The best lines I found to be in the intriguing introduction...
"Stars strike bitter fire
on the deep cerulean canvas
of the night"
Wow this was an incredible write
awesome!
poetic munkey569
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Do as you wish, really. You should follow your own style. The tree shape works really well, but you are right in saying that the words should "do all the hard work". Poetry is first of all about words, not about shapes and images. The thing is, with this shape, you can't create stanzas to add effect. It might be better if you change it back. Really, it's up to you, it's your poem!! I did say I liked the shape but it could be better without. Don't let people's advice influence you. If you prefer it as it was before, then you have to change it.
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Once again, the site is claiming that this contest is over. I must admit that when it truly is, I think I am changing the form . It is just not my style. I really like the words to do all the hard work. I am not even a fan of backgrounds. I wonder what the reaction would be if there were no cute/dark/pretty/strange visual diversions, just words?
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Stunning
This is very beautiful.
The images are stunning.
The emotions are raw and powerful
The layout of the poem looks like a tree in blossom.
Did you intend that? I found it hopeful. -
nice!!
wow. this was nice, you use the tree shape well, i like the way it flowed throughout the whole thing.. a truely amazing write -
Thank you.
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This is a very interesting poem, very well written. Don't change it, I love the shape. You use imagery very effectively, and I like the way you use the tree as a symbol.
A very beautiful write. Thanks for entering
Evalinka
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A very nice poem. Some great metaphors.
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Not only was this well written, it was sad. I love the way the words flowed, and I love the way they appear to you in this piece, I agree with a previous comment, I really like the background.
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'The Dawns will rise'
Hope this works for you. The shape was added because of some requests. If you prefer I can return it to the original-- just text lines.
Ed -
wow that is so beautiful. i love how you made the poem look kind of like a star(did you do that on purpose) it is really neat. your descriptions were excellent. great job. keep up the good work!
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I took your suggestion. What do you think?
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Very descriptive write, all of your imagery throughout is amazing and very easily creates a vivid mental picture. The flow of this piece is also amazing there is no spot in the entire write where I thought that it didn't flow. I also liked how it made a picture. Great write, intriguing topic.
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I like the way this all runs together, kind of like uninterrupted thought.
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I love the form you have used here and your words are quite captivating. this is a very enjoyable piece to read. All the best.
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I love the imagery in this, it captivated me greatly. The whole poem was put together so well and I cant see one thing wrong with it. Keep on writing.
Blessed be,
Lefay -
I really really liked this poem, it is beautifully writen and a pleasure to read.
I loved this section of your poem, I liked what it siplifies, it's true meaning.
"Given tears,
I would weep
Given hope
I would grow
Given dreams
I would fly
Now instead
I die"
Beautiful work keep it up.
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I like the sentiments of this piece...we humans are always striving for something greater, even if we already have the best of everything, even if we don't know what else seems to be creating a void in our lives. Of course, I have never cared for being rooted to the ground of anything--which, I suppose, is why I don't have much permanence in my life. (sigh) I disdain the fact that I couldn't see the image to this poem, though. Also, in a way, I wish the poem had been formatted to look more like a tree, instead of just one continuum of words (this way, the idea you were trying to express would've been picked up on faster.)
Excellent poem anyway, though.
Many blessings,
Raven Aurora
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thisis awesome.. it catches me of gaurd.. it made me feel so sad .. although its nature.. its a partof our llife..great write.
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First off , great title. Secondly, i love the sky so natural this poem drew me in. I was somewhat surprised with how ended this, but its always a good thing to catch your reader off guard. Great work, take care and God bless.
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well done
This was a pretty nice piece of work. I really liked the opening two lines. They showed a sense of an extended vocabulary. The rest had a lot of good things going on, but you didn't use any more "outstanding" words. It kind of looked to me like you really wanted to use the phrase cerulean canvas and after that the rest just kind of fell into place. I don't know maybe not, but either way. This was quite good, but don't forget to keep using unique words throughout the work (I know it's hard, I'm the worst at it.) -
Thanks Di', I keep trying to get something more out of this tired old brain. Someday I'll get to the end and findout what's next.
Ed -
Hi, another super write from you, a very moving and emotion filled poem, the flow is great and the feel is great, te emotion is strong, the feeling of longing echoes to the end line, glad you had a good win with this just shows there is justice once in a while, all the best, great write, Di
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Bravo
'Jealous of the freedom
Of those dancing lights
Above me, inside me'
These are the most beautiful words. Oh, that we could all be dancing lights. But they are inside us too!
'While I reach out to a dreaming sky'.
Your poem is beautiful and wondrous. Your words touch my heart!
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this is the best poem i have ever read. great imagery. i felt the pain. awesome ending. loved the format. so beautiful. full of emotion which i loved. great write. i will have to add you to my favorites and check you out. i loved this poem. omg it was so good.
peace and love
<3
-ashley -
This image is taken from a picture of a dead tree reaching for a star lit sky. It was in response to that photo, but others have found additional meaning. If it reads like a random papagraph I am sorry. Each line was calculated for its contribution to the whole. Each effect orchestrated. If it missed the target, well, you can't please everyone. Please read more of my work and comment. I know my limitations and embrase the sweet touch of reality you have given.
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I like it, but I have one problem with it. It's like a paragaraph brokenn into random lines. Maybe it's just me, but at the end of lines I see a slight pause, making the reading choppy. Despite that I like the poem as a whole, but I love the ending!!!
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Big congratulations on a well deserved win. This poem is just filled with imagery and I didn't even have to see the image to know what it looked like! Bravo!
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Linda
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Beautiful. I love love LOVE this. I like your from and the flow is great. Effortless ryhme. Sad, and moving. Love it!
♥christina -
A really great poem here, well written, keep on writing.
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hey i just have to ssay this was very visual and hopeful it was a great write you did well..
my personal favorite image was
Why am I so very
Strongly, firmly
Connected – rooted
But still so unsure that I am grounded
it was very true..it goes for me also. loved it a lot.
shelby -
Thank you.
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Congratulations on a well deserved win
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In the crowded sky of night
in the brightest heart of the heavens
there must be another flame
burning out on the fuel
of lost love
and the cold comfort of
loneliness
those lines alone stuck to me the most very nice -
great
"The breeze teases me with kisses
And whispers songs of distant lives
While I reach to a dreaming sky
Always just out of touch"
Oh. this was very touching. You did give wings and life to the lonely tree. Great read -
Thank you. I wrote this poem thinking about that sad little voice that comes out deep in the night, alone, afraid. The goal is not to feel alone anymore. The goal is to be a part, not apart.
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Very very awesome poem. I have not read a poem like this in a long while. This poem made me think of a goal that I can not get to, no matter how hard I try. Is that sorta what this is about. Oh well this is a wonderful poem, I love the visions I got when I read this. Keep up the good work.
~AirTightChick~
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