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Peek-a-boo, i...don't see you.

If eyes could peek through laced fingers
searching winded face
tracing over lines and dimples
they wouldn't find her.

sweaty hands could pull away
while he steps forward to
tilt her chin--
but they would not grasp her.

His breath steams her cheek
as he tries to kiss
but his lips miss her
entirely.
for what he holds is a breath of fairy tale
and her eyes, only mirrors.

Author notes

PLEASE critique this. feel free to tear it apart. i already know the title is terrible. let me know what i need to fix.
Written June 3rd, 2005

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    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments


  • Insatiable Buzz
    June 26, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    Alrighty. i shall help since you always are so gracious and help me! OK. The first bone i have to pick with the poem is this line:


    "tracing over lines and dimples" > it really needs to be Tightened. The line is good, but the rythmn is somehow lost.
    Then:
    "grasp her" I dont really like the wording of this one. it doesnt seem to get to the reader. Come on MELINDA! KNOCK ME OUT WITH THAT DAMN LINE! It needs it. :smiles:
    Ok. I like the metaphor and the imaging. Good babe.

    Peace! ~ Tavia *

  • Iamthenurse
    June 5, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    I like that, it was simple yet full of true human ways. I, for some reason, adored the line:
    "His breath steams her cheek
    as he tries to kiss
    but his lips miss her
    entirely."
    and the first line, I got an image of an overly dressed duck getting ready for a party. Don't take that the wrong way, I obivously read it over again and greatly appreciated it.