Looking out my window, I see…
The lonely bare branches of my trees
Leaves that were once its vibrant dress now lie below
Edges curled as they begin their descent into decay
Clinging to the shadows in quiet desperation
Alluding to their once graceful shape,
Accentuating every nuance that belies their age
The sun warms the ground, revealing its starkness,
Adding depth to the shadows,
Imploring them to take root and grow.
Mother nature beckons, I respond.
With each step, leaves crunch and twigs snap under my feet.
The yard lush with trees feels more like a forest.
Looking up to the sky I spin with arms opened wide,
The wind whipping through my hair,
Twirling like a porcelain ballerina atop a music box.
Birds chirping in the trees,my music.
With each turn, I become smaller.
“Uh oh, I've eaten the wrong cookie!” laughing out loud.
Dizzily, I fall into a pile of leaves.
Watching as they fly upward in frenzied flight, then,
Waltzing, gently back to earth as the world spins above me.
The musty scent of earth and decaying leaves of a season past invades my nostrils.
Mesmerized by their dark jagged lines piercing the clear blue sky.
The trees in their nakedness show their beauty to me.
The sun, still warm , gives rise to beads of sweat on my brow.
I become increasingly warm, my skin moist from the heat of the sun.
Droplets tickle as they trickle down between my breasts.
As if it were a midsummer day, my clothes cling to my skin.
I toss away my jacket and scarf with reckless abandon.
Like the trees, I disrobe sharing my nakedness with the earth.
Nipples taut, my skin ripples in delight against the air.
The cold air against my skin a welcomed relief.
As my skin cools, exquisite warmth grows deep from within.
Withered leaves become a warm blanket of velvet against my skin.
A sudden breeze lifts a kaleidoscope of gold, red and yellow above me.
Like the beard of the Old North Wind, they stroke the entire length of my body.
The musty scent of the season past has now become the musky scent of a man.
A gentle breeze blows on coal embers and gives rise to sparks of passion.
My pulse quickens, the pounding of my heart fuels the desire.
Like the hands of a seasoned man, fingers stroke my thighs.
Eliciting short, quick gasps as the cool air swirls around moist crevices.
Cupping my breasts, I raise my hips in surrender to this mystical pleasure.
As the wind blows harder, leaves dance in circles underneath me, faster and faster lifting me from the earth.
My fingertips grazing the ground let’s me know it still exists.
Warmth now a raging fire, droplets of perspiration freeze as they meet the cold air.
With each breath I take, I am penetrated deeper by a cold turret of wind that quickly warms to the heat it seeks.
Deep, guttural, moans fill the air.
In unison branches shake, an icy wind howls, the earth seems to shudder.
Consumed in nature’s sweet rapture, I shudder with it.
My womb glows, radiating a divine ecstasy suspended in ice.
My chest flushed and heaving, I lie unmoving in this erotic state, and revel in its abstract beauty.
An evening rainbow of deep pinks, purples and blues streak across the sky accentuating the bare branches.
I can feel the shadows of the branches looming towards me with bony, scabrous fingers withered from age.
The warmth within me cooling, I draw my knees toward my chest seeking warmth.
Branches whose fingers are growing longer with every passing minute as the sun closes its sleepy eyes cradle me.
Strangely I embrace them.
The pounding of my heart slows to a quiet rhythmic beat.
As the sunlight wanes into night, the branches shrivel into its body.
A body slowly becoming devoid of the arms that cradled me are now fading into obscurity.
Like a mother tucking her child into bed, Mother Nature covers me with a blanket of darkness.
Enveloped in blackness I surrender to this void.
I am secretly happy that not a star exists in this cloudless sky.
Knowing that at this moment the world is totally devoid of any living thing, past, present or future.
Warm and content I am lulled into a deep slumber.
For the first time in my life I understand the true meaning of letting go.
Author notes
Finally, finished!! I have posted this separately so that you may see the growth. I do hope that you all enjoy!
Written June 2nd, 2005
In a list
A contest entry
- Already On My Favorites List by Ted E Bare.
400 points, ended October 17, 30 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 34 of 34
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That was absolutely gorgeous! When you started to twirl early in the poem, I had already imagining her doing that then reflected on one of my moments when I did that in the rain. I could visualize the parallels as I know what it's like to let myself go in the rain (but I'm basically clothed for I don't want to scare people, I wouldn't be as pretty to look at). I loved this! I want to thank you for your entry into the following contest: "Already On My Favorites."
Ted E
PS: Your entry has been blessed by the three wise clappers, but don't spend the whole nine points in one place(lol)!
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wonderful poem
You said you wrote different from others. I count wait to read your poems. I like the way you wrote about mother nature. The seasons the tree being naked . I really enjoyed reading your poem it was a real delight to read about nature.
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Thank you Michael.. so glad you enjoyed this... ~Michelle~
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AWWWW! Here give me your hand, let me take it out for you. LOL! You have no idea how pleased it makes me to know I caused a shiver!! I'm truly, truly tickled.
~Michelle~
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You left me with more than a shiver...I was stroking my wood till I got a sliver.This was awesome.Much better in the final form.
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Dear Cheryl,
Thank you so very much for your beautiful comment.. I am so profoundly touched. Imagine, this poem took almost an entire year from start to finish....had it not been for this contest, i dare say it would still be sitting in my book....
Yes, i do have to agree with you. Autumn is my favorite time of year. Especially when you are in PA you can truly appreciate the saying "God's Country". I lived in FL for a year and just couldn't get used to not having the change of seasons.
I am so happy you read this when you did. My pc has been down for sometime now. I am in Canada right now and using a friends pc... i had so much trouble with the end and it wasn't until I was on the airplane that the end came to me. As soon as i stepped through the door i jumped on the pc to change it. But i'm working off a Mac and it's all new to me and the site was giving me a hard time accepting the change. Kept gettting error messages....thank you for the tip.. i usually do drop it some for me i like the effect of the words seeming to float on the page. I too am visual...
In this piece I have succeeded...to be able to take you into my world if only for a moment where you can think of nothing else......well..i will be honest....i'm jumping out of my skin with tears of joy streaming down my face......
Funny, while I'm here (in Canada) i went to the park and took a slew of picks of birds thinking about you...mostly ducks though .....see, you are never far from my thoughts.....you do inspire..
~Michelle~
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Dear Michelle,
This is an amazing piece of poetry. I went back and read the first version and came back to the last. I have very few poems from allpoetry that I have printed and kept with me, and this is the second one that you wrote. The first being God Sent You Hope Today, that you wrote for my Katie. What a treasure that poem is for me. This poem reminds me so much of myself. I love the autumn, and I just got back to PA after being in TX (where there is NO autumn to speak of) for 6 years and I missed it so very much. I read this and I was pulled into it as if I was living it. I only wished I could read it with my eyes closed so I could see with my minds eye what you were writing. But your words WERE wonderful!! The second time through, I could smell the earth and taste it as well. Oh, and I do so love the autumn....the feel of the leaves under your feet. I think I could go on for a long time, but .... your poem did a much better job. Thank you so very much for the privilage to read this wonderful poem. Well done, Michelle.
Cheryl
Three Cheers!!
my only suggestion, and it is a visual one for the readers is to click on your enter bar a few times at the end of your poem so that there is some space after your poem before all the other stuff begins. It all runs together now. Visually, it would look better. I do this all the time so MY words are separated from the other junk. It presents nicer. Just a thought.
Edited on Aug 22, 7:39 because ''. -
Awww...thank you! I'm really happy that you enjoyed this! Again another unfinished piece
. Poems are like new life, they are born when ready and not a moment before. It will come to me. Thank you so much for such an encouraging comment. It really does mean a lot to me.
~ Michelle~
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Hi Michelle,
Wow this piece is amazing! This is my second time reading oyur works andI must say I am in awe after readin this one , this piece is sure a masterpiece of creativity!
Brilliant piece!
Di
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Thank you so much Katie,
It's not finished yet. I need to come up with an ending that is my own. Working on that one. This one has been a labor of love.
~Michelle~
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Michelle, I have been following this piece, I have to say you have done yourself proud! First of all, you had all the recipe there for it in the beginning, you just had to work your way through it. The changes you have made are hardly noticable in that you have made your changes as if by magic. That you have worked so hard on this piece shows your determination and patience for that which is a worthy cause, I salute you!
~Katie~
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Cubert,
Thank you from the bottom of my heart! When I first started this piece I was working at a Jewish Nursing Home. There was a man there who was an English Professor, he was rehabilitating from a stroke. I knew my grammar sucked and to give him something to do, and to feel like he had purpose I asked him to help me with it. Unfortunately, he got worse and I had left for a new job. Out side of him, YOU ARE the only one who got that line from Alice In Wonderland! And the feeling that I was trying to convey. I almost took it out. I almost took it out then, and he was the one who encouraged me to keep it. After this contest, I seriously considered taking it out again. I'm glad I didn't. I am and have been working on the last stanza. Just trying to find the words to convey the feeling that I am trying to express. The last line is the lead in to the next season. So I have to work on that one. I have spent a lot of time second guessing myself on this.
~Michelle~
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ok! I am behind more than a little, so I read all three versions back to back and recorded my responses as I had them. In the original version, poor breaks and bad line/word choices hid all the power of this piece, but you made all the edits I would have suggested, except one, which I will get to. This version, much, much better.
First bit...
I can hear the crunch and crackle of the twigs and leaves, feel the connection. This description made me literally ache for autumn, my favourite season. I smelled the earth, I felt the air...wow.
I laughed out loud with you at the Alice In Wonderland reference. I know exactly what you mean. Days like the one you describe here, when the air crackles with life, electric-like, do create a sense of stepping into a Wonderland.
Weather as a lover....
Oh, earth child! I can't quit using the word powerful! I have never seen anyone make this parallel so effectively. It is fresh and made me have to turn on a fan. I have always felt a physical connection to the elements, but you have enhanced that in a whole new way for me.
The sexuality of this piece created incredibly diverse responses in me. I was delighted and embarrassed, entranced..I wanted to dive in and pull away at the same time. I felt like a voyeur, but also like I had been awakened to a new perspective.
The ending....
When I got to the last line, I was crushed. As much as I love that quote, I think it is totally inappropriate there, and has nothing to do with the piece. You need an ending that supports the power of the piece. Sexually, it was the equivalent of having the best orgasm of your life, only to have the man get up immediately and go home. I felt cheated. As for the changes suggested by my fabulous peer, Sithelisa, I disagree. This is no doubt a matter of personal taste, and you should do what you think is best, but aside from the let down of the last stanza, I like it the way it is. It is passionately personal, and shows me you.
Overall impression...
Just this side of stunning. Fix that last stanza, and you will have a piece to be proud of forever. It's daring and powerful (again!), and I just might have to carry it around with me to remind me to be that open to the world around me.
Edited on Jun 16, 11:47 because ''. -
This has to be one of the most beautiful compliments I've received, thank you. To know that I have left one with a quiver does my heart good. Thank you Artis, thank you.
~Michelle~
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in the leavings of the fall, you have fallen to wanton desires, and oh, what a picture that would make, if one should wander by and see the colors of your need splayed amidst the
fingers of your limbs shedding urges in a blur, one would almost wish to add a limb of their own, and deposit some leavings there as well...excellent write, my spear shakes quite well by it...Artis
Edited on Jun 13, 9:24 p.m. because ''. -
Thank you. Your comments are well recieved. It's been taken in swirled around and mastacated. Some parts swallowed whole.
Length, is a matter of taste. I knew when writing it would not be for some. Length and keeping the reader enthralled is a whole other ball game. I'm learning that.
I do ask in earnest though, where you see the hyperbole to be? Have you never felt how sensual a soft breeze can be? Or how erotic the contrast of cold and hot on those secret parts can be? A wank in the woods? The ultimate orgasm any person can have is the one of the mind. Giving in to your senses without touching yourself. Not an easy thing to accomplish. A wank (a rather crude term) I feel would be me touching myself.
Hamlet, well, here we differ. Hamlet is the tradegy of a man's inability to decide and act on those decisions. He did not give an indictment against suicide. He was contemplating it. It is Hamlet's fear "what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil" that makes him think twice.
A post orgamic nap? Or the soul being lulled back from whence it came?
Plagiarism? No, I don't think so. Like I said, until I can describe that feeling those few words give. It stays. And I will. I don't think the Bard is turning over in his grave, considering it is he who was part of the inspiration to this piece. It was looking out my window, watching the shadows creep across the yard. The leaves indeciveness to hold on or let go. Then finally letting go. Those words are what ran through my head as I watched. It was that time of year when the death of one season is in progress as the other is about to arrive.
I may not have articulated my thoughts and feelings well. But then, that is why I entered this particular piece. So that I may learn how. I truly do understand and take in your points. More importantly, I appreciate your not holding back. Thank you.
~Michelle~
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okay, it's not finished! I can see your points clearly. Thank you, your thoughts are well recieved. For right now,this will have to stand as is at least until Thursday. I have homework! LOL!
~Michelle~
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Oh thank you Mark, you are so encouraging. With out you to encourage me forward, I think I may have scrapped it long ago. It's not finished yet. I have begun to get a real sense of accomplishment having entered this contest. It too spurned me on. Imagine Mark, this was started last Fall! It's come along way since the first draft you saw. I'm smiling. I must've drove you nuts! I owe you big time!
~Michelle~
xo -
Great ride
Hi Michelle,
I like the new version, though the changes were subtle ones. The picture seemed perfect to me, too. It's quite a journey through your mind and the seasons. I like the idea of someone living a year in a day. Written like a true sensualist, and there is something sensual about cavorting with nature. You captured the beauty of every season beautifully. Congratulations on finishing this great work. So many poets seem to slap poems together like short order cooks making cheeseburgers, so it's inspiring to see someone labor over every word of a poem.
Mark xo
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Now, kryspin, please don't be luring her away from her immediate joy of her fabulous makeover just yet. When we have pampered her with our best efforts, THEN you can whisk her away to the world of work.
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Well it's improved, but it still lacks coheasion, and it's still far too wordy .. The poor thing is packed with descriptions yet starving from lack of ..'imagery'..
an example of what I meant in my original critique..
let's take the first stanza and break it down
As I look out my window, I see…
(from my window, I see) that cuts a pronoun
The lonely bare branches of my trees
(the lonely bare branches of [my] trees) removes the repetition of my
so this:
As I look out my window, I see…
The lonely bare branches of my trees
Leaves that were once its vibrant dress now lie below
Edges curled as they begin their descent into decay
Clinging to the shadows in quiet desperation
Alluding to their once graceful shape,
Accentuating every nuance that belies their age
could easily be cut to this
from my window, I see
the lonely branches of trees
leaves which once were vibrant dress
dancing descent to decay
edges curled around bare trunks
Another thing, if it's going to be passionate then let we the readers taste it, want it - feel it. Hesitation in erotica is like a half beat the imagery needs to be subtle but strong if it's going to tantalize.....
The sun, still warm against my skin, gives rise to beads of sweat on my brow.
I become increasingly warm, my skin moist from the heat of the sun.
Droplets tickle as they trickle down between my breasts.
As if it were a midsummer day, my clothes cling to my skin.
I toss away my jacket and scarf with reckless abandon.
Like the trees, I disrobe sharing my nakedness with the earth.
Nipples taut, my skin ripples in delight against the air.
The cold air against my skin a welcomed relief.
As my skin cools, exquisite warmth grows deep from within.
Withered leaves become a warm blanket of velvet against my skin.
A sudden breeze lifts a kaleidoscope of gold, red and yellow above me.
Like the beard of the Old North Wind, they stroke the entire length of my body.
The musty scent of the season past has now become the musky scent of a man.
an example edit.
the sun still warm gives rise
to gold hued drops of effort
teasing touch-me through cleavage
caught in shifts which smother
as if it were midsummer instead of Autumn's breath
until abandon thrusts its head, and like those barren trees
my limbs demand reprieve
an arch to meet the ice filled air
chilling every inch of lung
with oxygen and heat. ...
..just as an idea..
Keep working with it.. it's going to take some strong editing to get it into shape.. as I said in the contest.. only my ideas ..
¤´¨)
¸.·´ ´´ ·¨)
(¸.·´(¸.·¤hims/Lisa
Edited on Jun 04 because ''. -
Well, you have to take some credit! If not for your contest I dare say that I would still be staring at the screen wondering what is missing! And besides, the contest was and is a "great idea". Well worth your springing for that secluded isle for the panel of judges,LOL! Not to worry though, with my drug cabinet you could put them on an iceberg in Alaska and they would think they were in Tahiti!
~Michelle~
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Katie,
I am so profoundly touched. Your words are like hugs around my heart! Thank you. I am humbled. Such a beautiful and encouraging comment. One I will treasure!
~Michelle~
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My condolences – you won… First just let me say I do think this piece is much improved over the original – well done! There is some very good word use and images.
I still however have two major problems with the piece as a whole – the first is its length and hyperbole… i.e. what are we talking – a wank rather than a walk in the woods – and why? The link between fall and fallen is not made for me and that spoils the whole range of metaphors between naked trees and nyphs, leaving a long and pointless ramble…
The second problem is the closing line – I really do not like the use of so famous a line for your punch line – quotation marks in no way off set the plagiaristic distaste – although as Kryspin says, everybody will instantly recognize it so perhaps that is just personal taste – The main problem however is that it is just plain wrong! Hamlet spoke the words as a strong indictment against suicide – that if he killed himself he might be cast into an eternity of nightmares – I really don’t think that is akin to a post orgasmic nap…
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If you want, you can join my columnist team SPINDICATED, there's always an opening for new writers and I think it would be a good opportunity to help you learn editing and develop your style. it's an offer. you don't have to...but you can look into it
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There is much improvement already. although i question the quotation marks on the famous shakespearan lines, as in essay format you do not have to quote common knowledge or anything common. this can go either way...I'm just picky! I've been selected for the panel to spoil you with comments! uh oh! lol and I've also put in a teaching application here! I'm waiting on results! anyways aside that, there was much growth here...but I'm having a déja vue moment with the opening line...it still doesnt give the proper setup or tone. but keeping that is probably what you want best. so yeah, you know how i feel about that already! lots of progress again, but I think I could still tinker in some more grammatical punctuations to improve the flow and I still feel that the imagery is strong- but needs that subtle elegance!
but for a second draft its already a remarkable change! -
Also...
I'm glad to note you're thinking of changing the last line, it seems a little out of place here.
And the artwork.. though not my taste.. seems surprisingly suitable doesn't it? -
Congratulations on your win!!
What great comments have been left here... that's nice.. and well done you, you've earned them!
Kyla
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i came
this is phenomenal. deeply entrancing, wonderful description and imagery. perfect mixture of abstract and definite images and ideas. superior in its brilliance. wonderfully revised. beautifully written. a treat to all who take the time and read it. -
Wow
Wow. I have never really needed a smoke after reading a poem but your words are so sensual...er...well...Let us just say that it was satisfying just reading this. -
holy crap that was long but awsome! i love the picture you choose to go with it also. it was so lovely. you did and awsome job! must read again,
much luv
~jess -
My dear sweet Michelle,
Firstly, Congratulations on garnering the gold.
Secondly, You have done a marvelous job on the presentation here. The poem is seamless and sensuous. It's the one you would want to settle down underneath a warm comforter to read on a cool Autumn night.
Sincerely,
Leo Long -
I beam with pride at how far this piece has come already! This is level of dedication to improvement I was hoping for when I first posted this contest.
I have no doubt you will continue to shine as we move through your makeover. (Isn't it nice how I feel I can take the credit for all YOUR had work? )
... and besides that, with that drug cabinet at your disposal, I have no doubt you will know exactly how to keep our panel in line.
Congratulations!!!! -
Brilliant!
The way you have revised this piece of work is an art in itself, its almost as if you have not had to make any changes at all, so beautifully have you made the changes, almost as if just taking an artists brush and applied one or two extra strokes of the brush to even out the depth of what you have said in your poem! This reminds me of how I always write, I usually begin writing, proof read it, then something different will come into my mind as I read and the application of the different thought will enhance or bring light to what I have already penned, I can do this two or three times and then look back at the finished piece of work and think to myself "that was well worth the effort"
Michelle, you have a brilliant way with imagery, your poems always flow so beautifully, it never takes any effort to read you, keep this up I love reading your work!
~Katie~
Edited on Jun 03 because 'Typo!'.
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