Every person's worst nightmare
is an embarrassing relative
my aunt Sophillia (who's real name is Suzanne)
Insists we call her “Lady Marmalade” or “Sophillia”
(Uncle Rod calls her Aunt Syphilis).
She has the social grace of an enigma
And the stamina of a dead horse
She snorts when she laughs
And pees when she giggles
Uncle Rod thinks she’s foolish
But lets her live her eccentric ways
Never questioning her stupidity
Or the value of an unintelligent debate
Aunt ‘Sophillia’ came over for tea
We tried our best not to make her giggle
But the fruits of our efforts were only to rot
Cuz she saw our youngest, snort out a rock
She insisted on giggling, till yellowness came out
Densely sitting there, not even making an effort
To rush to the ‘lavabo’!
(We country bumpkins enjoy the beauty of another language)
Now to go on, without making this sound too
Over-the-top, (which indeed perhaps is…)
She had the nerve and audacity
To approach mother dearest
Claiming bad parenting skills
Came from HER side of the family.
My mother bit her tongue
Sophillia ranted and raved on
how embarrassed she was
to have wet herself publicly,
Because of some small child,
That insisted on shoving rocks up his sniffer
“Proper parenting should ensure that
Nothing goes up the nose, or is eaten coming out”
My mother bit her tongue
Uncle Rod came into the room
Attempting to re-rail the social disaster caboose
Instead only making the situation worse
Derailing the last train of common sense left
Amongst us and our fading dignity
Sophillia went on to add
“My smegma's worth gratuity”
Lucky for us, she made this statement backwards
And mother was quick to reply:
“A sharp tongue and a dull mind
are usually found in the same bed
But there’s an exception to every rule
Once the guests have all been fed"
Author notes
* lavabo - means sink directly translated and bathroom slangishly
* insults are always funnier rhymed (according to horus 8 who helped me come up with the setup line “My smegma's worth gratuity”
big thanks to those that gave me suggestions and helped out!
oh and this is choice #3...the quote. my quote is the punchline! yay..towards the end
Written June 1st, 2005
In a list
A contest entry
- 1450 points up for grabs by Desiree Darkk.
700 points, ended January 4, 2006, 115 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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ingenious! not one wasted breathe!
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there's pills for that.
thanks for reading
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woot woot! daily mary poppins award yeahhhha
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This is funny, had to read it a couple times to get the flow right but it was entertaining both times so kudos on that, my mom scratches her throat internally, she makes this weird sound, I almost cant explain it, but its not funny, its aggrevating, makes we wanna chew my tongue off. Well now that youve got that visual Ill leave you with a "great job!!!"
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Practically Perfect in Every Way
Ok now smegma is just plain gross. Auntie Syph needs some depends and a bath lol Preferably with bleach at the car wash. This was funny and sick at the same time. Please tell me that you washed the furniture thereafter? This is so hysterically funny you get my Mary Popins award for the day!
thanks
April -
lol! This is excellent, really. Relatives are crazy no matter where you live.
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Well, I didn't then because my mind was messed up then. but now, I reread it and I laughed and I got it and it was fun...lol. Like I said I liked it, but my mind was messed up when I read it and I was spacing out lol. Sorry...good luck.
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you dont get it?
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Funny as had a real good laugh
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Lol. I liked your quote! I must say, I didn't really undersatnd it.....well I did....butI mean, it wasn't hilarious. Except forthe Aunt Syphillus part....and some other parts. I'll read it again when my mind isn't so wrapped around whatever it's wrapped around on now. Lol.
*hits head* well I liked this, and good luck in my contest. Wow, that sounded so bad. Toots! -
bladderless!!
you welcome for the quote....
mangled as it was lol heheheheh it's just gross but lovely in tongue in cheek.... hehehehe i'm too visual a thinker and that poem just stinks yellow of images... wonderfully done, good luck
cheers
phil
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