Part 1: In The Name of Thy Father
Introduction
a crystal tumbler cries
ice tears from melted cubes
tasteless liquid swims
with squirted lemon drops
the cool bitterness
teases my taste buds
artificial flavouring
covers the stings of burnt
truths of naivete
a winnie-the-pooh
night light shines
on a cracked egg shell
wall, the yellow beam
reflects at the blade
of a twinkling star of hope
a blade that could peel
an onion skin layer by layer
a bowl of psychedelic
medication of fruit loops --
mescaline, Demerol
acid, AZT, codeine
hash and barbiturates
a toxicity strong enough
to human combust
i dip my sinew fingertips
into the cereal bowl
tips touch the softness
of the outer skin
of the pills -- soft and hard
the power of smallness
to prolong and hasten death
slowly i begin to experience
pretend
the pills are barbells
up/down, up/down
c'mon five sets of five
change arms
pills disappear
as I sip
the bitter lemon liquid
now warm and weaker
late afternoon light
becomes darkened
shadows dance upon
cracked egg shell walls
i caress the silver blade
slide my fingertips
between the steel
her body cold
like the fuck
i got last night
a flash of fire
stretches across the
summer autumn sky
it's brightness reminds me
of Dante's Inferno
I squeeze my chest against
my knees in silence
stare out the window
intrigued by the fire fingers
hypnotizing my hazel eyes
i start to descend
into my Hell
a train whistle screams
in the background
rusted boxcars bang
against my temples
i feel the heat of the sunset
through my open window
lying upon my winnie-the-pooh
comforter
i chase my dreams
of forgetfulness
the fire dances
upon my naked chest
warms me to a deepness
as I am carried
into another dimension
steel blade winks
the flash of its light
hits my iris
winnie-the-pooh tumbles
from the top of my headboard
lands on my naked chest
his red t-shirt
and bare bottom
tease my infected dream
mock my existence
as i slip
into his black-buttoned eyes
the green house
is full of life
screaming kids
working wife
he came home and alive
hit her once, the very last time
never saw the knife
uncles stole in the night
covered it up with a lie
the house fire was a sight
my eyelids beg to drag open
fire in the sky subsides
orange, yellow, red layers
pump with fury
against my heart
shadows dance
on cracked egg shell walls
i feel the cool blade
tease my skin
as I slide it over my nipple
bring its blade to my lips
a good-bye kiss
to the last friend
who will aid me to leave
this Hellish life
1. Angel Joachim the curtains dance
from the unexpected slap
of the summer autumn wind
stealing into my room
a whispered voice
recognizable from my past
stretches his invisible fingers
to caress my irish hair
a lightening bolt flashes
in my drugged eyes
as the shadow clears
an angel forms
his blond hair freed
from the dried blood
his youthful body
athletic
not a trace of
a mangled crush body
in a two thousand pound sardine can
i am enveloped into
his ethereal presence
rise and reunite
with my boyhood friend
Joachim
we float in space
like we used to dance
in the lake's water
when we were teenagers
my soul sees
my sleeping torso
we drift through
the open window
fly into the summer
autumn fiery wind
we fly over fired landscapes
transported back in time
can feel the joy of coming
closer to the green house
i lived in as a child
walk through the empty rooms
screaming kids
working wife
a knife
a life
no longer alive
i cry
i cry
i cry
had seen the lie
that was covered that night
to save a youthful life
i lay in the darkness
tears formed into
beaded sweat
i gasp for breath
jerk up from a second wind
the bowl of fruit loops
is miles away, on my desk
winnie-the-pooh night light
flickers, dims and flashes dead
i rise like an old man
tied to an anvil
the soreness from the
effects of the drugs
sinks into my bone marrow
shakily i pick up
the Mickey of vodka
grasp its neck
in my fist
fury rises in my veins
boils and seeps
through my rich blood
infecting me
i down a swig
splash vodka on my chest
spit it out laughing at the ludicrousness
of a fire sky
while i kissed a steel cold blade
goodnight
i crawl to my desk
reach up and tip the
fruit loop bowl
pick them off the rug
like lint
shove them in my mouth
open-palmed
swallow
feel them
slide down my throat
like that swollen phallus
massaging my larynx
2. Angel Lucifer lucifer has been visiting
even when i am awake
i show him my agenda
next to my computer
and all the time slots
are filled
have to come back another time
and suck the hell out of my soul
i gasp for breath
tumble backwards onto the bed
float onto the winnie-the-pooh
comforter
like when i made
virgin snow angels
only to watch him
purposely yellow them
every opportunity to
whip out his manhood
an extension of his masculinity
a weenie of a thing
that still pained a life
with a small prick
my chest caves in
crushing from the heaves
being tossed from the
gutturals of my throat
a sense of weight
presses on my torso cavity
i squint through my
drugged red eyes
roadbed of stripes
of lines that Dracula would
love to sink his teeth into
music of chains
rustle in my brain
the heaviness of pain
crushes upon my heart
i start to slip
into the dark abyss
of my soul
pass through tunnels
where cobras with
mustard eyes
prepare their hoods
to strike
the blackness is
like fountain ink
spilled on ivory skin
the holy abyss
is bottomless
something snags me
in mid-air
a vortex spins
me into a swirl
hands are laid upon my body
fingernails as long as spikes
punch through my skin
and grab my ribs
i snake through
peripheral visions
of last night's entourage
with a pink haired hustler
the visions sweep away
into a funnelled hole
replaced with me
lying upon my bed
he sneaks into my room
a ray of light splashes onto
the wooden flow
hits the cracked egg shell wall
his hand slips
between my winnie-the-pooh
pyjamas top
lies upon my youthful chest
tracing fingertips gingerly
flicker over my nipples
a refusal to listen
my soft nipple reacts
to my body's ions
it rises
a small peak of
a mountain
on a growing youth
my baby boyhood penis
responds, expands
between my flannel
the softness of the material
kisses my soft skin
it stretches to greet
my belly button
his huge hands slide
palm wet from saliva
massages me
our liquids mix
i experience my first
boyish jism
white as a cow's
separated cream
his long fingers
tickles beneath my thighs
as he touches me there
i grimace in pain
as my hummus breaks
never to be returned
i cry
i cry
i cry
my eyes tightly shut
he tries to kiss
my hairless soft cheek
sneaks back into the hallway
had the gall
never even to say
good night
screaming kids
working wife
a knife
a life
no longer alive
had seen the lie
that was covered that night
to save a youthful life
3. Angel Claude To my adopted brother, 1995:
I saw your soul when we unmasked
one another as best friends.
i gasp for air
losing my voice
the ethereal dark cloud
carries me through
the volcanic veins
of my soul
a semi-truck headlight
blinds me
we float through
the work I accomplished
float in this space
as i watch myself
work behind desk in suits
sit in university classroom
march in the rain against the war
i float in this space
allow the images
to float and hover
beside me
a reflection of my inner
charisma
he reaches to me
a hand extending
from a snow white cloth
embodied around
the edges in gold
the light shines
like an eclipse
the heaviness on my chest
lifts into the heavenly air
i see myself
as a writer
poet
artiest
student
activist
caregiver
humanist
his face appeared
a trimmed beard
Claude
i whispered in my head
or voices spoke
for me
he drew me into
his sea green eyes
like Passion
his snow white hair
shone with innocence
my mentor
my boss
my teacher
my tutor
my best friend
my adopted brother
the ethereal light
floated from his fingertips
snaked its way
hit me in the core
of my heart
zapped me like a rattlesnake
piercing its fangs into my thighs
i jolted in confusion
let out a howl
felt the sweat pour
down my cheeks
as tears flowed
through my ducts
flooded my heart
attempts to put
out my fire
i groggily rise
watch the ink black
tunnel funnel its way
toward the fiery sky
i want to fly
reach for the
coldness of the blade
see my reflection
in the mirror
i stagger towards it
watch the blade
kiss my adam's apple
shiver at the coldness
tingling on my soft skin
i seep into the reflection
of my irises within the mirror
dive in towards the reflection
of the setting sun
surrounded by the hazel
pupils
i fly inwards
scream as i feel
the heat shoot from
my body...my soul splitting
from my temple of skin
melting and falling
into the ashes of Phoenix
jolted fire rods
shaped like lightening
strike the cold earth
i cry
i cry
i cry
screaming kids
working wife
a knife
a life
no longer alive
had seen the lie
that was covered that night
to save a youthful life
4. Angel Kenneth To my sibling, 1997:
I saw your soul
when you came to me
in my dreams, and felt your
warm kiss upon my cheek.
"Love you bro, I'll be joining you one day
and we can reconnect.
a lane of light
hails towards the gate
i straighten my back
float upon the white
ski clouds
i hear
ethereal music
of Judy garland
in the back of my mind
feel free as my
body rejuvenates
i am free
of this virus
free of the temple
i was living in
the music sneaks up
climbs upon my back
envelopes me into a blanket
of warmth
soothing my heart
chilling my skin
sneaks into my ears
forces me to halt
the light at the gates
dim like my winnie-the-pooh
night light
at Heaven's gates
the music pounds
screeching train whistles
rusty box cars
silence of creeping floor boards
under a moonlight
it calls to me
beckons for me to dance
upon the white snow clouds
to turn around
like Lot's wife
at Sodom and Gomorrah
i am tempted
turn around in a spin
see my brother again
arms reaching out
for me to fall in
and be surrounded by love
like at grandma's house
when we needed to escape
i float towards him
glide in a slow motion
savouring in the essence
of being able to feel him again
he holds me in his arms
hugs me while i sob
he gently pulls me apart
draws my hand to his heart
and sucks me in
i yelled at the burning
upon my fingertips
scream like the walking ghosts
of the Holocaust
light fills my soul
and then I collapse
when i awoke
all i could remember
was a voice whispering
i am free
of this virus
free of the temple
i was living in
i am free to fly
with my soul
i cry
i cry
i cry
had witnessed the lie
that was covered that night
to save a youthful life;
I am still alive.
Part 2: And Thy Son
Once I had a dream
When I was stoned
I saw the devil
His mouth salivating
To eat the last
Of the good life
from me
His hands...
Outstretched
Trying,
Trying
To grasp my body
His horns erect
Trying to plunge
Into the depths of my soul
His eyes
Fury red
His breath
Fiery
Burning my body
As he sucked
The last good seed
From me
Once I had a dream
When I was not stoned
I saw my guardian angel
Standing there
Peaceful
Enlightening
Gentle
When she
Reached out
To touch me
An ethereal calmness
Enveloped my body
And I broke
Out in spasms
My heart lifted
My body soaked
From perspiration
My tears
My blood
Trickled in a stream
Down the Inside of
My thigh
Then
I was at peace...
Now
: I
: : am
: : : always
: : : : stoned
Part 3: And Thy Holy Ghost
hospital corridors are grey dark from the dimly
lit neon lights at the nurse's station
I have been given a Demerol, help me sleep
it's been three nights since I last hit
my winnie-the-pooh pillow
snuggled into a fetus
just slipped away to
slumber land
where fairies run
through mildew sparkling grass and
fireflies light the green awning forests
after a week I am finally ready
sat away an afternoon in front of the window
watching big ships on the horizon
of the St. Laurent River
the speck of the spread-winged angel
standing over Mont Royal
protecting
second trip to the same ward 1102
except different bed
been moved to D level instead of A
PJ is not here this week to shave me
can't decide which I like better
AIDS bed or Dis-ease bed
a female nurse arrives with a smile on her face
asks me if I have shaved
disappointment sets in
the sun is crisply purple
pink floats upon the waves
of the river
street lights switch on
look like
speckled bird eggs below
the night is close
darkness will surround us
i float in my room
not think of tomorrow
just gaze at the blank white walls
try to count the cobwebs
in the corners
think of dream catchers
The AIDS Bed Part 1my mind drifts to last week
where I was in the AIDS bed
a stoic doctor approaches
my bedside
residences on either side of him
I look for the TV camera crew
from ER
You're very lucky Mr. Rowe
to have the top cardiologist
and top surgeon
to perform this operation on you,
usually we don't pick people off the street!
I sink in my bed
want to join hospital dust bunnies
be swept away to nothingness
or go to Dust Bunny Heaven
for unwanted dust
nothing escaped from my mouth
i couldn't speak the words
of being a poet, a play writer, an artist,
an honor student, a community leader,
my tongue tied like a tangled fishing line
the knot kneaded to the abyss of my stomach
The Dis-ease Bed Part 1i jolt from the memory
thank the angels
i am back again
Coumadin free
now that someone informed me
that I should stop taking it
so i wouldn't bleed out
under the procedure
bleed
bleed
bleed
my life revolves around
bleeding
blood
the Demerol sinks in
float to the next level
in a few seconds
darkness will envelope me
the night nurse in a burgundy uniform
slips into the room and flashes the light
against the white wall
sees my open eyes
slowly backs out
The AIDS Bed Part 2my cardiologist had visited
the AIDS bed last week
my eyes were fixated on the wall
watching her shadow dance before me
like my mother when I was a child
I could see her body sway
gently against whiteness
the stoic doctor
had just left me
with the news they were
postponing the procedure
until next month
Dale
I cringed with my eyes
that form crows feet
i had to scream but
nothing seemed to escape
down these grey corridors
No one but my Mom calls me Dale
I lay between the hospital sheets
stare at the egg shell wall
so what happened now?
accusation pitch
against the wall
hits my ears
silence
the two English ladies sharing my room are
silent
you could at least talk to me
I am talking to you
not with your face to the wall
I watch the shadow dance upon the wall
turn over and face her
she is soft, and i really
look at her: a mother,
a woman, a caregiver
my Coumadine is three times what it is to be
whose fault is that? I told you to stop, I phoned you!
i haven't talked to you since November with my friend.
okay so I told F--- to call you...
Don't blame your secretary
if only she would admit
that she erred
i would respect her more than
i respect her now
but i
never received it
never received my father's blessing
never received my holy communion
The Dis-ease Bed Part 2it's a week later, towards the end of May
the sky is now grey and sleet slides
on the pane of the windows
the horizon has the mask of a ghost
and my eyelids close
i drown in the blackness
taking me further
into the corridors of my mind
i reach into space and grasp
the cold air hoping to touch
something, anything, someone
she dances
open arms with swaying fingers gently
kissing the invisible air
her movements of a swan
gliding gracefully across a pond
i float down
swim towards her aura
her arms outstretched
to catch her son
i glide across to her
come into her eyes
her warmth comforted
my chilled body
stay with me awhile
dance dance dance
for we are free
i did not cry
because i was not in fear
her gown covered my body
warming my soul
healing my inner self
and my heart beat
and beat and beat
i awake
i was at peace
fasting since midnight
i'm loaded onto a hospital gurney
dressed in a gown
shaved as can be
nothing underneath
popped a relaxing pill
and another to detect the iodine
off I go to see what the matter
is with my ticker
at one o'clock
the relaxant wasn't working
i could feel every prick
so they pumped me up
with the good old morphine
which did the trick
this guy has really nice veins
i was hearing all week
while they probed, punctured, and pricked
all my life i heard that phrase
a still walked away with
bruises the size of round dollars
yeah, I'm envious of the druggie world with these
so the decision was to shoot
me up by the groin
well, will be laid up for a
different reason this time
three hours later
we know we won't need
to perform bypass after all
the hole will be fixed
something will be done
to get the left side
working again
i have to attend sessions
to learn and
they'll phone me about that
wheeled back to my room
three hours later
stoned as can be
forgot i phoned Gail
(but apparently i did)
six hours later
i lie awake
on Bed Dis-ease
get up now, because I was good
laid stiff as a board
not moved a leg
stared at the ceiling
counted the tiles
wishing they had pink clouds
and blue elephants to play with
glanced at my Winnie
on the nightstand
reached into my briefcase
pulled out the letter the
nurse had delivered
dated two days ago
from one of my doctor's
in my HIV clinic
last line read
Until Mr. Rowe has been back
on his treatment plan
for HIV for at least
three to six months from now,
we believe that Mr. Rowe
should not have
this surgery performed.
my heart beat
and beat and beat
and I read and beat
and beat and read
basically, he was saying what
I had been telling
them all the time, but no one
was listening.
miscommunication
misconception
major fuck-up
my cardiologist
came and sat on the
Dis-ease bed
she had the
same letter in her hand
a letter that was in respond
to a request dated November 18th, 2003
a letter that was outlining a plan of action
fell through the system
because one went on a sabbatical
and left no notes
and the other was new
and eager to please
and i kept getting lost
Gregg
i looked up with a surprise
she called my by my name
i saw my mother
her eyes were dancing
water flowing in a stream
and i knew i was safe
she was no longer my doctor
she now understood
her face was angelic soft
and her eyes enveloped me
i told her about the stoic doctor
and that even though we had
disagreements and her
bedside manner
i respected her with my heart
she will reprimand the doctor
who is twice her age
she responded she
loved my toughness
the fight to continue
that I am her oldest patient
and she enjoyed the challenge
What do you do in life?
I'm sitting at my sister's wedding
across from my Mom
gazing into her misty hazy eyes
dimmed by the burnt candle wax
of her life
What do you do in life, Mr Lucusta always asks and
I don’t know what to tell him?
I told her of university
bachelor of arts, community leader,
poet, writer, play writer
and a human
she made me promises
that I know she will keep
we saw each others soul
through an ethical mistake
and I know that I equally
have her respect
MOM i saw you in my dream
dancing upon the clouds
warming me in your gown
drowning me in your eyes
enveloping my heart
making me safe
you sat in my bed
gave me confidence
that we continue the journey
side by side
we spoke today
so you wouldn't
worry in June
and your voice cut in
like an angel in my heart
when you were the
first
to say to me
I love you
I love you too, Mom
Part 4…Amen
I dream death
suffocating my body
as the last breath
gurgles from the
vortex depths of my throat
my eyes pop
a lasting image
of a cumulus sky
ambulance sirens
echo in my head
outside my bedroom window
silver moon shadows
hills of a churchyard
a hearse dims it headlights
reminding me of my destiny
awaken I shiver
from the wetness of perspiration
dripping down my body
like the devil's saliva
a wisp of wind
tickles the coldness of my fears
pain is my partner
my mentor in life
teaches me strength
shows up in my face
youthfulness has dimmed
within my irises
replaced by a light
shining knowledge
I have seen the underground
of the beauty of our world
gave myself permission
to explore its depths
have paid the price
for inexperienced choices
some in defiance
of society’s beliefs
had to swim with my inner self
trust in my morals
shake the hand of
consequences or else
I would have drowned
a celestial calendar
spins the seasons
my past is my future is my present
brings me closer
to each second
of my death
Adding your comment:
!
Dee
Oh my sweet, it's wonderful to see this as a whole poem, I know what you have been through, you are my idol, do you know that? I am so glad we are friends and I've been here for you through the time we've known each other.
