I'm getting old, I'm going bald
I've got two kids at university,
another swinging on my leg
and I've only just turned thirty.
I've got debt up to my eyeballs
a neck down to my knees.
And I always get a bit of leakage
every time I sneeze.
I've got cellulite like gravel pits
and my lady 'tache is obscene.
Please don't look at my pelvic floor
Because it's more like a trampoline.
My rear end's getting rather large
and my trousers far too small.
I can swing my breasts over my shoulders
like a novel mammary shawl.
So thank god for plastic surgeons
those people we so adore.
For just a couple of thousand pounds
I'll once again look twenty-four.
Author notes
I hope you all like this. I myself am not too happy with the end, but that's life. Anyway, enjoy and don't be too harsh on me.
Written May 24th, 2005
A contest entry
- Humour by FyreMyst.
300 points, ended May 31, 2005, 6 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 40 of 40
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wow
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This is so funny read it to my sister and she loves it.
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Are you sure you're only 19,
as you've written this so well
How would you know that the boobs hang low
And your bum begins to swell?
That pelvic floor needs exercise,
Time to give it a good hard squeeze,
Or in time with incontinence,
Knickers will hang down to your knees.
I've heard all this from others
As I'm NOT middle-aged you know
I'm just off to the hairdresser
Before my grey hair starts to show.
I'm sure you've had some inside information for this LOL
Vonnie
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Lol...This was great! Really funny but now I'm kinda scared. I'm a 19 year old female and I don't want to end up thinking these types of things in my life. EVER! Hmmm...Well that settles it; I'm never growing up or I'm gonna marry rich. What do you think my best choice would be? Neverland or Hollywood? Anyways, great piece. The rhythm was excellent. Keep up the good work! ~Rainna~
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Oh of course, the definition of old increases by a year each birthday. If that didn't happen then someone would become older than old, and the universe would implode swallowing everything into it. And that simply cannot happen, it's no good for international aid
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ok! thirty lashes...and I don't mean batting eyelashes either!!! I find the older I get, the older OLD gets. (I've got to still be good fer sumpthin!)
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haha yeah us middle aged women do have issues don't we. Cute write I got a smile and a little laugh out of it
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The humour comes accross really well in this...The flow is really good and the meter peaks at the same times as the humour. Would agree slightly with you about the ending.. i think it's something about the meter in the 3rd line of the stanze.
It's not a big thing though... Great write!
also funny that people thought it was written from your own perspective! - i too am a 19 year old man
take it easy
God Bless
Simeon
Edited on Jun 26, 8:33 because 'forgot 'of the stanza''. -
Actually, I'm a 19 year old man, but please don't tell anyone
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I laugh! You are only 30 and this is happening? Good grief! My mother is 40 and this is just starting! lol. Wonderful job I love the flowing, constand humour of this poem! It was more subtle but awesome non-the-less. Great job and good luck in the contest.
All The Best To You And Yours
SilverSun -
this is a well written poem with good flow and the subject of thre content is quite deep you did well with this write
love and light blaze -
hard to believe that a young man wrote this? were you born a man lol? i'm curious as to how you can be so 'inside' the stereotypical head of the middle aged woman... and yeah, i leak when i sneeze too dammit!
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this was sooo funny! i think that it was great!
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best I've read totady and that is saying alot as I have been reading for 3 hours now...the pelvic floor trampoline thing killed me...hell it was all great...holding on to vanity to keep sanity is priceless...great write...Peace Muddy
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lol. This was funny, but I wanted more dammit! You ended it too abruptly. My fave line was, "Please don't look at my pelvic floor
Because it's more like a trampoline." Maybe you should add something about how hard it would be to get the money and compare the wait with a, "Is it worth it?" kind of ending?????? -
My God I turned 31 this year you have given me the horrors.I love the humour. great write even if very disturbing.
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Applause!
Besides enjoying the poem, I must comment on some of the other comments.
I'm 40. There. I've said it. Even if you think that 30 is some kind of peak, you must admit that even THEN, there is still more to come. As you get older, think of all the damage you can do to the younger set just from the accumulated knowledge! Like leaving a lot full of wrecks after a bit of a bad turn (hehe). Just look forward to all the fun awaiting an "old duffer" when you get along. Again, great work. And again, cheer up! -
I know this feeling all to well. So excuse me if I'm not laughing too hard! But all humor aside, or over the shoulder,or all behind us now! This was cute!~~Suseann
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two kids at the Uni and just turned 30/ ermmmmmm had to have had them at the age of 12 ????
Reenie
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I'm not going to be too harsh on you, because this poem is brilliant! I like the almost saddistic humour in it, humour regarding a topic that is rather scary at least to me.. and believe me, you have further scared me into reality. I'm going to be leaving my teen years behind in a month, and well, I'm on my way down this path, i guess!
This is a nice piece of work, great flow, nice effect
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First of all I'll tell you that you did a great job of writing this poem! The words are cleverly chosen and it rhymes well! Now, my dear boy, let me set you straight! Thirty is by no means middle-aged!!! I looked my hottest at 30! I was in my prime so to speak! Everything was still where it was supposed to be and I had a bit of polish that only comes with time. Nowadays, women still look great at 40, although I'd say that 40 IS considered middle-aged. A lot depends on geographics too. Where I live, 40 and 50 year old women tend to keep themselves looking pretty damn good. Maybe in other parts of the country they don't. Nevertheless, 30 is still a young pup!
Great poem though! It made me laugh!
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LOL. This is great. Lovely thing to read with the day marking my 30ith approaching in little over a week. Noticed today that I have vericose veins. Agghhhh. I'm young. I'm young. I'm young. Damn it, I'm still young! Thanks for the giggles.
~ ~ Sincerely, Janet ~ ~
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Perfect!
Great and funny poem at the same time, but, everything is the truts. I really enjoyed!
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For just a couple of thousand pounds
I'll once again look twenty-four.
...
But, do we really need to look like we will always have twenty-four. Turn around and look, are all those of twenty-four happy? -
Nice. Personally I felt the ending was... AMAZING!
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Good humour and the way you look at life. Excellent poem!!!
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Creative
LOL--I loved it and like your way with words and humor.
All the best,
Amanda -
A truthfully hilarious write.
Ooh this is a delicious bit of truth,said I who am 61, but he pelvis gets a darn good work out via the young hubby.ROFL -
Lol I love this. Not much more to say other than clever lymric.
Red -
im glad i have a penis...
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excellent
i love it,its an awesome poem,shows exactly what life is when you grow up its awesome and time is cruel but what can we do,i think this piece was awesome and full of emotion. -
Hi, you slaughtered me, a great write a lot of fun, time is cruel but what can we do? well as you said there is always the knife, this is a super write, the flow is great the feel is great, it's a winner, all the best my friend, see you in ward 10, lol, hugs Di
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its my birthday just today and i turned 25. it made me smile because i feel old today.
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Funny i had good laugh over this
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really funny
hehe, I am only 17 but this made me think of all the middle age women I know and it just makes me laugh cuz it sounds exactly like how this one teacher I had 2 years ago talked...anyways, you did an awesome job bringing out the comedy of being 30 or so, obviously you have the gift of aging with grace, lol. "So thank god for plastic surgeons
those people we so adore.
For just a couple of thousand pounds
I'll once again look twenty-four." <-- made me laugh -
Well now. I'll be 50 next year and I hope I'm aging more gracefully than this. It did make me laugh though and I can relate to bits of it. Thanks for sharing. Cute write.
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I found this poem to be very relatable... me being over 30 and all. I may even be passed middle age
and it sure is the pits..why just yesterday i bow-tied my tits - they kept getting caught in my underwear elastic 
BTW, just to prepare you..get use to crap..cuz you soil yourself constantly. Not just leakage when you sneeze - You shit yourself when you laugh, when you cough..even a while yawning - you shit every where but the toilet.
Adult diapers are a must..they come in a variety of sizes..wee wee pants...poo poo pants..the big runny shit pants and then there is the extra large The Big Log pants.
Bravo on this one and thanks for making this old fogey laugh
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rofl
lol yep makes me think of my mother.
interesting poem from you, once again and as always.
shorter then i remember you writing, but i suppose it doesn't matter if it's good.
i'll remember these words when I hit just over 30
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Oh, is growing older truly just going to be a catalogue of horrors? I've been getting greyer for 13 years now, and i'm only 29. Someone please tell me that this isn't how it has to be...
Actually, sod it, I'm a man. I can have a midlife crisis, buy a sports car, have liposuction and tooth whitening, ride a Harley, take up golf and have an affair with my secretary.
Except I have no secretary, and I would never ride a Harley.
Right, your poem. I liked it. It made me laugh. And cringe. Which has to be a job well done?
Cheers -
great job
very clever lol -
Great Job
I liked it....LOL
Reminds me of my mom.
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1 - 40 of 40
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