standing at a gravestone
newly planted
but the end
the heavy night sky
reflects moodily across the gravestone's shine
the confining reflection
is interrupted only by gray standard script
ordinary words
state how the person was loved
in untruthful simplicity
the sky slowly breaks
and lets loose its burden
the tears fall
and start the erosion process
that will leave the gravestone
blank and faceless
a red long-stemmed rose
is grasped desperately
in pale moist fingers
raised to a nose
for a final bittersweet sniff
then tossed
the rose hits the gravestone
on the word mother
and slides down the face
into the gravestone's shadow
on the freshly turned ground
wide eyes move
from a bloody palm
to the crimson petals
that lay wilting
Author notes
"Just when you realise that life is a bitch, it has puppies."
i dunno why i wrote this, cept it came to me yesterday. i hope you enjoy it.
#4
Written May 24th, 2005
A contest entry
- Darkened Creativity [Contest] by -Silenced Dreams-.
400 points, ended May 25, 2005, 6 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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ooh.... death... fascinating subject, that's for sure... happy for some... devastating for others... whoa... shouldn't be that interested i think... people might start to think i'm weird...
another absolutely wonderful peice... i'm sorry it's taken me so long to read it... i get slack sometimes
Edited on Jun 16, 10:06 because 'mistakes... don't want to appear flawed'. -
this was really good... i agree with tyler on the last line... anyways... this was a different type of poem from you... it's good though... it kept me interested... well all of your poems do... but yea... keep up the awesome work...
Shelley -
glad you liked it.
and thanks for telling me what part you enjoyed most.
it is not the best, so i will keep writin.
thanks for commenting!
ly,beth -
to fasterthanU (you may be faster than me but not my pony!)
thanks for the comment. it is great to have some ppl tell me what is wrong with a poem instead of saying that it is good.
the whole newly planted but the end thing was to do with how the grave stone was just put there but it was a sign for the end...and maybe it was like the end to the person.
the lie wilting i will fix. dunno when (thanks for telling me that, can never remember when you use which.)
the passive i will keep, even if it isn't the best. i am just writing to see what works for me.
thanks, and i will keep working. i need to
Edited on May 25, 11:44 because 'uh..cause there was a mistake...'. -
(hey, look at that- lucy likes the passive voice)
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i like that, i could really feel the yucky death feeling with,
"a red long-stemmed rose
is grasped desperately
in pale moist fingers"
it was the pale MOIST fingers that did it, i understand the sad clammy hands thing when approaching thoughts of a loved one's death, everything was conveyed very nicely, i loved your diction, the beginning and such, it was neat, kinda different too, nice job!
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this is a good piece, beth! *high five* it is kind of different to see a piece like this from you. emily's favorite lines:
"standing at a gravestone
newly planted
but the end"
they didn't make much sense to me. the first two go together nicely and spark my interest, but the third line just doesn't fit at all. maybe 'by' instead of 'but'? i dunno. and i'm not sure what is correct, but should the last line be "and lie wilting"? i think it's right, but i'm not positive. the overall effect of the poem was ok, though it didn't bring out many emotions in me. i noticed how you used passive voice a few times, and that should generally be avoided if you want the piece to have a kick to it. it's pretty good, but keep on workin'!! best of wishes to you, and i'll see ya 'round!
~tyler
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to horsinaround2590:
lols. thanks. so far i have been told the the first and last bits are wonderful. and i guess those are the most important parts huh? anyway, glad you liked it. thanks for the comment and applause!
ly,
beth
Edited on May 24, 7:19 p.m. because 'uh, because there was a mistake...'. -
thanks Em. i WAS actually satisfied with this. and i had fun writing it.
no, my description is not more vivid than yours. dunno why you would think that.
glad you like my quote, it did't fit in the space well.
thanks for the comment!
ly,
beth -
wow beth! AMAZING WRITE! i am stunned! i love your author's comment, too! that's friggin hilarious & unfortunately very true! neways, this poem is absolutely awesome! your word choice really makes this piece shine. i LOVE the lines:
wide eyes move
from a bloody palm
to the crimson petals
that lay wilting
those lines really pack a punch! i love how you formatted the poem as well. applause for you!
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standing at a gravestone
newly planted
but the end
HOLY CRUD that's an awesome opener! This truly was a creatively dark poem that was a little different. (A good thing!) Like what Whispers said, this was slightly thought-provoking and of course, extremely vivid. Your descriptive language is much more unique than many writers on here, including me.
I was very happy to hear that you were satisfied with this. (about time! lol) Anyway, KEEP POSTING! I really want to see the "other poem". 
Em
PS--And I must say, that is a wicked awesome quote!!!
Edited on May 24, 6:54 p.m. because ''. -
thats so nice of you. thanks. i enjoyed writing it.
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Very nicely done indeed. A thought-provoking write with vivid imagery and raw emotion. I love it. Very well written, flows smoothly and is deep, dark and captivating. Thanks for entering and good luck
Take Care
- Becca
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