A river of blood flows down a beating chest,
And a darkening mist creeps over dead eyes
As a dying Earth beats in time with a failing heart
Dark visions flutter across my view
Creating terror where none may hide,
Frightening all whith their eerie vibe
Why must we all suffer this fate?
The body hears and away the mind flies;
A river of blood flows down a beating chest
Still come these thoughts, filling my head
For they fare so well in society's wake,
Creating terror where none may hide
Never again shall we take the bait
Having been lost in one single mind
As a dying Earth beats in time with a failing heart
Ears shattered by a deafening wail
Demons from the shadows made
For they fare so well in society's wake
Forever now society lies dead;
Resting there where the ruins lie
A river of blood flows down a beating chest
Creatures fill the rift of mind
Creating terror where none may flee
Demons from the shadows made
Away through the dark the masses are led
Fleeing through the dark all not of their kind
As a dying Earth beats in time with a failing heart
To the head the horrors flock
Tear and ravage the human mind
Creating terror where none may flee
Land covered by the bloody dead
The sights I see with these eyes of mine:
A river of blood flows down a beating chest
As a dying Earth beats in time with a failing heart
A result of the sins of man,
Dark visions flutter across my view
Tear and ravage the human mind
Frightening all with their eerie vibe
Author notes
Written May 21st, 2005
What did you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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I like that you were brave enough to experiment in the face of our threat of 'honest' critiques. Perhaps look at it in terms of the site's saying the other day - something about having not failed, but having succeeded in finding a million ways NOT to do it. One down only 9999999999999999999999999 more to go.
Now, THAT's progress.
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villa well, hybrid hell... okay .. not to say this is lousy, or good.. but I usually find it's a bad sign when by the second stanza I have to wake myself up to continue reading. So .after a few splashes of cold water...
I gave up... somewhere mid way...as it all started to say la la la la ...and bounce. It seemed more a ramble of disconnected images that were fighting to agree with each other while firmly standing their ground.
So perhaps it was the form, but I think not.. I'd say it's a bit erroneous to blame the 'form' when in this case it wasn't the box but what wasn't in it.
To be more straight to the point, there's little reason to critique or suggest alternate ways to do something on ...something clearly stated by the author to have no point other than ..an experiment..
Suggestion.. continue experimenting, but perhaps also try making those test-tubes ..holders for something.
Assessment: Undecided
~~Lisa/whims
Edited on May 27, 2:37 p.m. because ''. -
yeah, me too. And yeah it is very meaningless... even As the writer I had no point whatsover in writing it, except to try ou the form, which I was just experimenting with 'cause I've never played with forms before, to see if i would like it.. i don't. lol but yeah, thanks
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I'm afraid I'm not a lover of any of the ...nelles, that constant repetition....you have to be an exceptional writer to pull it off.
This piece strikes me as sort of meaningless, but again I blame the form.
Good luck in the contest
Kyla
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quite frankly, I couldn't agree more. I hate this poem, it's even worse than the first one I tried of this kind. But hey, that's why I entered it in this contest....
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I'm not sure what a hybridanelles is either but I am sure I wouldn't recognize one even if I saw a perfect example of one of which this is not. In this case the repetitive line only tended to bog me down because I kept refering back to the previous verse to see what you were trying to say. At least you didn't make the mistake of writing this in first person. Thanks for your effort and your entry.
Sincerely,
Leo Long -
This really is turgid nonsense on so many levels. Apart from the obvious spelling errors and flat language, the repeated phrases do not add extra power to the piece- more they seem to be written by someone suffering Alzheimer’s. On top of that the most annoying aspect of this pretentious piece is that it appears to have been written by someone with zero life experience except the influence of Goth or metal tracks that in most cases are infinitely more literate than these words. Then if everything else was not distracting enough, we have to put up with an uneven meter and a completely jumbled thought pattern that left this reader thinking…what the fuck am I really reading here. It lacked authenticity, style and a real core. It needs to be stripped back, better thought out, tighter meter and better words choices to increase the power of what you are attempting to convey.
David
PS If everything else wasn’t ordinary and clichéd enough, you give us dark red print on a black background. That is not effect, that is just annoying.
Edited on May 23, 7:50 p.m. because ''. -
yay, it worked! lol. Ok, now to type these. Again. (I'll just put them as a regular comment 'cause I'm lazy)
Well the second I saw this contest, I just had to enter. I really, really love to write, and I jump at any chance to improve my writing. This seemed like a great one.
Then, of course, I had to choose which poem to enter. I finally decided to finish the second of the hybridanelles (or however you spell that) that I was inspired to write after that column on them. I figured that this poem *really* sucks, and it would show off all my flaws and weaknesses pretty well. This poem doesn't flow well at all; the punctuation is screwy (I'm not good at that in poems); the form itself is screwed up in at least one spot, probably more; and I'm sure much more. In general, I have very little knowledge of the technical stuff (I'm not even sure what meter is), and I have a long ways to go on learning how to put words together in a way that is captivating and meaningful. If you guys could teach me something, it'd totally be worth being told how much I suck. lol
And I don't care how much you rip my stuff to pieces, I can take it if it'll help me in the end. Oh and if i do get picked, I'll work hard and do everything you say!
Edited on May 24, 5:06 because ''.
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