System error,
Blood diseased,
Cut throat,
He never believed,
Lost temper,
Eyes glow,
Steady breathing,
Does show,
Scream of terror,
Sounds so far,
Glassy eyes,
In a jar,
Stumble down,
Blood stained stairs,
Frightening terror,
Oh does scare,
Screeching closer,
Hit the ground,
Bruised arm,
Not a sound,
Glass sliced,
Soft Skin,
Blood dripping,
Fabric thin,
Can’t speak,
Full of fright,
Behold the being,
Of the night,
Fearful eyes,
Fearful terror,
Tears well,
System error.
Author notes
Dark - Destiny is fate.
Written May 22nd, 2005
A contest entry
- Destiny? Fate? Love? by Jujubee.
300 points, ended June 15, 2005, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
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Ooooh got chills with this one. I definently loved your last stanza! Though the rythm needed work, you definently held me with all your imagery. Good luck and thanks for entering!!
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once again, good write. Although, I keep getting the feeling that this could be lyrics. It also sounds aggressive in a way because of all of the sounds and such. Anyway, good write.
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The last stanza was the best in the poem. I didn't particularly like the fifth stanza because I don't believe "down" and "ground" rhyme, they just sond alike. I did like how you didn't put very many words in each line, it really enhanced the flow. It also made the poem easier to read. Overall, I thought it was a creative poem.
-David-
Edited on May 23, 6:18 p.m. because ''. -
Great write... that was amazing... i really like the urgency of the short quick lines... the way you presented this made me think of several different things and i like that... anyways thnx for the comment and keep up the great writing...
Shade
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