With my hands in my pockets
And my head bowed down
I toddle at my own pace
I’m walking alone
On an over-packed street.
The people in their cars
And on their cellular phones
Have no idea who I am
Nor do they have any intention to find out what I can be.
The pain of the loneliness
Kills me.
As I start to ponder
Of all the flaws within me
The rain drips from my eyes
Slowly landing in the puddle beneath me.
As I look up at the sky
The stars begin to cry
My face veiled with their tears.
I stop in my steps
And conclude this story
With this one last thought
If they don’t want me
If they want me to go
I will.
So I say good-bye to you
The unknown reader
Of my farewell letter
And the great river below
With a shrieking hello.
Author notes
Please do not copy or steal my poems...thats not kewl...
Written May 21st, 2005
What did you think
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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wow, this is so beautiful. I don't even know what to write about it. You are very talented
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interesting... keep up the good work
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I like how this touches on solitude. Like all alone, walking at your own pace as there is no one else to keep up with. I also like the reference to people in their cars and their cell phones which gives them the image of being 'generic' or 'clones' who have no identity and continue on without realising the person or people around them. I like this part of your poem:
"As I start to ponder
Of all the flaws within me
The rain drips from my eyes
Slowly landing in the puddle beneath me."
Its like giving yourself an analysis of yourself, and hate everything that you don't agree with yourself, or areas of yourself which you bring to blame for your loneliness.
I thought this bit here was ver well written:
"As I look up at the sky
The stars begin to cry
My face veiled with their tears."
Its like even the stars/heavens/god is also sad with you, or at you. It can be interpreted either way, which is left to the reader, but I picked that they were sad with you.
The conclusion to the poem was also very well written, and very creative. I don't think I have read a poem on here that greeted me with a "The unknown reader". Its like this is a poem for us all (which is kinda is) and we are drawn even more into this piece.
This has been the top poem that I have read tonight, it has a solid structure, a good flow, and is very emotion. Kick ass write, definately keep this up.
P.s. Sorry bout the long comment, I felt like really going a bit further with my commenting on this one.
Edited on Jan 12, 10:24 because 'Because my mum said so'. -
i like it
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great
I really like this...it's really heartfelt. I feel like that a lot around my sister's friends. Keep writing!
~Selana -
nope...I meant EVERYTHING i put into this poem...actually...no punctuation makes the poem EASIER to read...no annoying commas on every line...every time a comma was meant to be in place, I simply cut the line off instead. "The people in their cars
And on their cellular phones Have no idea who I am" how could that be mistaken for the phone not knowing me??? the word "those" wouldn't have made the poem "work". Oh well... I appreciate your comment, and it IS your opinion. and as for the last line...it doesn't say "great the river below"...it says.... "So I say good-bye to you
The unknown reader
Of my farewell letter
And the great river below
With a shrieking hello."...so IT DOES make sense....
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This is really powerful, my friend. In one word, wow. The theme has been touched before, but your style is truly unique and calls out to the reader. Also, I adore that you left a message for the reader at the bottom. That's truly unique!
Now for a few suggestions, again just for further improving your work which is already excellent! First off, I may suggest that you use a little more punctuation in this poem. For a while, it caught me off guard and confused me because I read it as though it was supposed to follow. For example, if you read "I toddle at my own pace I'm walking alone on an over-packed street." I thought at first that you may have meant "walking alone on a..." The poem is so good that you don't want to lose readers over misunderstanding a line.
Clarification: OK, I understand that poetry is often very understandable without punctuation, but there seemed to be a certain inconsistency of the punctuation in the poem which confused me.
Next, just a small stylistic thing... When one reads "the people in their cars and on their cellular phones have no idea who I am", one may need to re-read it to see that it's the PEOPLE in their cars and the PEOPLE on their cellular phones who have no idea who you are. How I first read it, it seemed like the cellular phones didn't know who you were. Maybe adding "The people in their cars and THOSE on their cellular phones have no...".
Clarification: Just a small suggestion to make the meaning a little bit clearer. This is your style and the extra word is not necessary anyhow.
Finally, one more small little thing... In the line "And great the river below with a shrieking hello", I believe you meant "And GREET the river below with...".
Clarification: Thank you very much. I had totally misread that line. It does make sense, you're right.
Overall, this is a really great poem! You really broadcast your emotions well. You used great imagery in these, taking the reader in a journey with you. This poem was very powerful and descriptive. You have a really great style which makes our poetry realy unique! Remember, here you are wanted and you don't need to feel alone. *sends a hug*
Sincerely,
Christina
(thank you for your clarifications... As poetry in personal, you are in power of your own words and how you want them said. I'm sorry for mis-reading this and hope you forgive me.)
Edited on Jun 08, 5:53 p.m. because 'Thank you for your clarifications'. -
Wow If this is a song it must kick ass.
Now I want to hear it in a song.
Great job..
Your band must rock..
God Bless
Dellza -
Very good this is great but i have to wait until tomorrow to judge the poems or if i don't change the date and give it a few more days so others can enter it! well good job!
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i like this.. alot. im sure what it is about this, but its different. but thats what makes it great. awesome write. keep it up..
~Kayla -
Good.
This is better than the last one I read. it is very stirring -
i like this a lot. The emotion is real and clear. It cries unloved... ---Nox
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