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Undone

Suffocate my heart with mist
Pour sabre winds on my soul
Salute my mind with a hiss
Paint my innocence with coal

Cover my ears with beauty
Then let me taste your sins
Discuss me to your mirror
Where modesty never wins

So, ensure me all is well
Array how my body lies
Kiss the void upon my crib
With my spirit in your eyes

Author notes

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Written May 19th, 2005

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Comments

1 - 9 of 9

  • Asphodel
    September 29, 2005
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    I like this, unusual descriptions and metaphors, and a really good flow. I dont think it ends to soon at all, life is abrupt sometimes so why can't poetry be as well...!


  • PaleSeptembeR
    July 25, 2005
    Edit | Reply

    Creative

    Good rhymes, I like it it all flows together like a melody. I like the essence it brings. Very well done.

  • Sleepless sapphire
    July 12, 2005
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    Great work. I loved the use of language in this piece and the middle stanza was my favourite. "Cover my ears with beauty
    Then let me taste your sins
    Discuss me to your mirror
    Where modesty never wins"

    Just fantastic, keep up the good work!


  • Gingerandhoney
    May 27, 2005
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    I love how you got creative with the wording in this piece. The last two lines in particular really give it the edge over other pieces I have read so far. You are very gifted and will go far bacause you think outside the box. I really enjoyed reading this.


  • Jimmy Jazz
    May 23, 2005
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    1st off, i wanna say that your haiku contest is an awesome idea, i love them... now for you poem...the line that really jumped out at me was "Discuss me to your mirror Where modesty never wins "<<i thought this was great because its so true...the mirror (both physically and metaphorically) is something where we can talk to ourselves with complete honesty...no bull and no modesty either....great insight & great poem


  • beckyXmarie
    May 23, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    Great wording, written perfectly!!! Keep it up, so powerful... Great write!!!
    --
    * : ~ : * Becky * : ~ : *
    P.S Thanks for your encouragement and comment on my contest piece, it is my first contest so *fingers corssed*...
    Edited on May 31, 6:59 because ''.

  • White Sapphire
    May 22, 2005
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    I think Hidden-Splendor's got a point. This does seem to end really abruptly, and leaves the reader hanging. I absolutely adore what's already been written, but I think it could do with a couple more stanzas... considering once the reader get really hooked, it ends. (doesnt even really fade out, even.) which kinda leaves us blinking in suprise and scrolling down again just to make sure. i might have even pouted. lol. i really loved this though, its really deep, but put in a way that seems simple: you've really got to read it several times to get different layers out of it. and the words seem as though they've been laced together: couldn't been a better fit. go you!

  • Hidden-Splendor
    May 19, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    This poem is good, you should have made it longer, because as soon as u start to get into it, it ends. The wording is great as well! Nice imagery.

  • RomeoTheVamp
    May 19, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    deep, yet i enjoyed the overall flow and thought in the words of the poem, It was well written...
    later
    RomeoTheVamp.

1 - 9 of 9