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Echo In The Night

 

Nothing sacred in the dark of night
A woman always walks in fright 
The cries of the wise night bird
Calls out warnings never heard

Pale moon-a sliver in the skies
Reflects the evil in his eyes
Stalks his prey by light of day
Nighttime is his time to slay

He hides in shadows and awaits
Hideous thoughts-he salivates
Walking through the park like bait
Something makes her hesitate—

Instincts are a woman’s skill
She knows a man’s are to kill
She turns around the other way
He fears he’s about to lose his prey 

 

He quickly rushes her from behind
She hears him and responds in kind
Arms around her neck so fast
He hardly even notices the blast

Evil eyes squint--shock and surprise
Now experiencing his own demise 
He lay in his own blood slowly dying
Finally, your turn and no-ones crying 

Author notes


Written May 12th, 2005

In a list

A contest entry

What did you think

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 60 of 60

  • Fairy Nutty Buddy silver member
    July 26, 2007

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    Great ending! Finally, your turn and no-ones crying. Wonderful job on this poem. Great imagery. Congrats on the bronze!


    • DawnBaby
      July 26, 2007
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      Thank you!

      I appreciate your kind comments and the bronze trophy, so glad you enjoyed the poem.


  • Lj-
    December 29, 2006

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    This is a powerful poem!
    I love how you chose this subject, it's rather untouched.

    Your rhyming was really good. My favorite lines were:

    "Evil eyes squint--shock and surprise
    Now experiencing his own demise
    He lay in his own blood slowly dying
    Finally, your turn and no-ones crying."

    Terrrfic write and thank you for your entry.


    Best of Luck!!!

    • DawnBaby
      December 29, 2006
      Edit | Reply

      Thank you

      So glad you like it, a bit on the dark side, but...I wrote this after a woman was killed here in MN. I thought why not turn it around for a change. That is why you like the last verse. HE ends up the victim instead of another woman. Good luck with your contest as well!

  • DawnBaby
    July 2, 2006
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    Thank you

    Thank you so much for your kind comments, I am so glad you enjoyed it, thank you and good luck with your contest!

  • DawnBaby
    July 2, 2006
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    Appreciated

    I had to end it this way, ONE FOR US! LOL, not funny, but true! So glad you enjoyed! Thanks for your kind comments, I think I may be getting a gun soon myself.


  • nichtmich silver member
    July 2, 2006
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    24KT Lady

    One savvy girl that didn't go like a sheep to slaughter Loved the surprise ending. Chilling imagery and a "you go, girl!" ending. Smooth story telling at its best...in poetic form. Makes me glad I've a gun permit (and a gun )! Sure fire winner. Great read.

  • BlackRosesinAutumn
    June 25, 2006
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    Good job! You did a wonderful job capturing the essence of this poem!
    Good job!
    Good luck in the contest!


  • marlenambolden
    April 26, 2006
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    This very Very great thanks for entering

  • DawnBaby
    December 20, 2005
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    Thanks

    Thanks so much for your kind comments, you know how it goes, revise, revise, revise, I cann't even remember what the original version was like anymore. Thanks for you review it is appreciated. Thanks!

  • DawnBaby
    December 20, 2005
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    Appreciated

    Thank you so much I appreciate your kind comments and congratulations. Thanks so much it is very appreciated!

  • InBetweenThoughts
    December 20, 2005
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    Amazing!

    Your poem was brilliantly penned as I just finished reading! You have painted a terrific picture with a nice twist........Congratulations on your GOLD Trophy! It was definitely yours for the taking....have a great day, Ken IBT

  • shattered innocence
    December 19, 2005
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    Do onto others as you will like them to do...

    I love this. I wish I was able to read your original version before you edited it. Anyways this is great. Do onto others as you will like them to do onto you

  • DawnBaby
    December 14, 2005
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    Appreciated

    Thanks so much, the ending of this was offensive to some people and I tried to change it a little, but I didn't want to deviate too much from what I originally wrote. So glad you liked it, thanks for the encouragement! Great Contest!


  • DarkenedAuras
    December 14, 2005
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    I don't think the end is "Dorky" at all I think the whole thing is totally cool and you have a perfect 10 on the scale good luck

  • DawnBaby
    November 3, 2005
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    Appreciated

    Thank you very much for taking the time to read and comment my work, it is very appreciated, so glad you enjoyed the twist in the ending, thought I would get one for the girls. Thanks!

  • DawnBaby
    November 3, 2005
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    Thanx

    Yeah, thought I would let us win one for our side for a change! Thought why not get the creep in the end, I am writing it! Thanks for taking the time to comment it is very appreciated!

  • DawnBaby
    November 3, 2005
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    Thanx

    Hey thanks for your time spent commenting and reviewing, it is so appreciated, thanks so glad you liked the twist of an ending.

  • DawnBaby
    November 3, 2005
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    Thanx

    Hey thanks for your time spent commenting and reviewing, it is so appreciated, thanks so glad you liked the twist of an ending.


  • Zohrane
    November 3, 2005
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    "I can see you but you can't see me, I could touch you but you wouldn't even feel me..." Excellent. Great flow and wonderful 'wordage' And I love the twist at the end, not expecting that.

  • AuraoftheFlame
    November 3, 2005
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    Suprise! The ending sure was.. lol. Nice Write


  • EidolonDesires
    September 22, 2005
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    LOL, yes, Indeed, I like this ending better, great job....
    much love,
    ~Chris~

  • DawnBaby
    September 22, 2005
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    Thank you

    Thanks for your review and comments, I changed the ending, it was a bit much. Thanks for at least commenting. Appreciated

  • DawnBaby
    September 22, 2005
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    Thank You

    Thanks for your kind review and comments, I finally changed the ending, I didn't like it either! I just wanted someone to tell me and YOU did! Thanks, I hope my new version is better! Appreciate your comments and thoughts


  • September 22, 2005
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    nice rhyme scheme and good meter.

  • EidolonDesires
    September 22, 2005
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    Lol, this is great, the ending is kind of dorky, but I love the imagery, I felt like I was the woman being stalked, very nice piece, congrats on a job well done......
    much love,
    ~Chris~

  • DawnBaby
    June 9, 2005
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    Great

    Thanks so much for reviewing and commenting on Night Prey, my whole intent is to scare you, now you made my day! Thanks so much for your review, I so appreciate your time!


  • Neha Sharma silver member
    June 9, 2005
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    Hi.. I loved this poem of yours.. actually those blinking eyes scared me a lot.. !
    I liked the way it went. the flow was nice and the words you chose were superb!!
    All the best in the contest!!
    Luv
    Neha

  • DawnBaby
    June 6, 2005
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    Excellent

    Hey, I love it!!! Great job, wish I would have thought of it the first time! I was looking for shock value and you did the same thing just used better words! Super job really, thanks for taking the challenge I do like yours better then mine now! Unfortunately, I am already in the contest and who knows we may be competing for all I know. Thanks Edna, you are very talented!


  • Edna Sweetlove
    June 6, 2005
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    Possible ending from Edna.....

    He quickly rushes her from behind
    She hears him and responds in kind
    Arms around her neck so fast
    But his own fate's die has been cast

    Evil eyes squint, body reel in shock and pain
    As she plunged the knife in yet again
    She smiled down at his last convulsion
    And spat at him with cold repulsion

    You asked for it!



  • DawnBaby
    June 6, 2005
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    Challenge

    Ok, Edna I would love for you to end it for me how would you choose it to end? I think you are a fascinating poet, love your wit, find you absolutely hilarious and seriously want to know? Now you can just say no, but I hope you don't.

  • Edna Sweetlove
    June 5, 2005
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    Oh my god, I was admiring the pussy cat eyes when the fucker blinked at me. Jesus wept. You get an applause for that.

  • Edna Sweetlove
    June 5, 2005
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    I merely meant the endbit (which I didn't like but not because of my butchness) seemed too flippant for the rest (which I liked)


  • DawnBaby
    June 5, 2005
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    WHY? I cannot believe you don't know? Careful Edna your male side is showing


  • Edna Sweetlove
    June 5, 2005
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    totally spoiled by the last line. Why O Why?

  • DawnBaby
    June 5, 2005
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    Great

    Thanks for your great review, good idea to look to see if anyone is behind you! So appreciate your comments and time spent reviewing. Thanks!


  • Phoenix Karkadann
    June 5, 2005
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    wow... this gave me goose bumps and made me look tosee if anyone was behind me!!! excellent piece!!! rock on wid ur writing!!!!

  • SunriseRoseFantasy
    June 4, 2005
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    lol enchanting! Thanks for your comment on my poem! I like this cuz of the way its kinda discreet then it gets to the juicy part of us women {hear us roar :GROWL:} being one with men in the kill! If I make no sense hey its 3:47 in the morning and I've been weird all day.

  • DawnBaby
    May 15, 2005
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    One for the ladies, our turn! We always the one who ends up dead, thought I would turn the table in the end for a change, haha! Tired of us being the frickin victim all the time! Thanks for the encouragement, I look for them in the park every night! he,he,he!
    Edited on May 15, 5:43 p.m. because 'typo'.

  • DawnBaby
    May 15, 2005
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    Great

    Yeah, thought we deserved to win one for ourselves! They always come out a head, if I can get even in my imagination, why not! Men do not much like this one ladies. Wonder why? Thanks for the review appreciate your time! Peace!


  • CountryCousin
    May 15, 2005
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    Great write.

    Man oh man and here I was going to lend you my own piece or a hatpin that did those nasty old wolves in with a well placed strike. This is great. Keep it up.


  • suppressiveangel
    May 15, 2005
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    Awesome

    I loved the turn from frightenting to hilarious!


  • John Yelling
    May 13, 2005
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    I really enjoyed this poem and i have to disagree with ricochet rabbit on this one. I thought the rhythm and rhyme where good, definately didn't over power the story. I am a free verse poet myself and have always admired poets who can continue to rhyme without sounding like a 4th grader, I know I couldn't. Great Job!

  • DawnBaby
    May 12, 2005
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    Hey appreciate the explaination, I will read some of your stuff, and see if I get your drift, I was trying for all of the things you mentioned! In my eyes I accomplished my goal, some people dislike rhyme, I will see by your work, you may be a free verse poet, a form in which I need to take a class in or something, I cannot get it to flow. Do it with haiku and tanka, but cannot for the life of me do it any other way. Anyway thanks for the response it is appreciated, and also appreciate your comments. Peace!


  • ricochet rabbit
    May 12, 2005
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    Specifically, I am referring to the musical quality of it: the rhythm, metre,and rhyme. It overcame your message.

  • DawnBaby
    May 12, 2005
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    ?

    OK, you are saying you liked the title, but "the ditty was so infectious" you couldn't get what I was saying? The point friend was at the end. Now please translate for me, I do not understand what it was you did not like, but being a man I could. What DOES "the ditty was so infectious" mean? I do appreciate the review, but would appreciate it much more if I understood it.

  • ricochet rabbit
    May 12, 2005
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    What I liked: it appealed to my ear, had an interesting storyline, and overall, it was really catchy.

    What I didn't like: the ditty was so infectious, it was hard for me to get to the core of what it was you were actually saying. Plus, it took a while for you to get to the point.


  • PotHeadMonki
    May 12, 2005
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    yes, you are correct they were both burned. my bad for not making that clear enough. yes feminists rock!! self esteem and respect! lol but that doesnt mean being big-headed.. keep writing .. i really admire you talent in poetry!! xoxo

  • DawnBaby
    May 12, 2005
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    Great

    Thanks for your comments on Night Prey, I read Cremation and enjoyed it, I see what you are saying, I often try to play the part of the other sex in my work as well. I will read your work again, I was left with the feeling both were burned? Is that the correct assumption? Still seems women are the victims more often then not and you are speaking with a feminist from the 60's! Go girl! Almost forgot to thank you for your review, I agree with you on the verse you highlight, I am in the constant state of re-write with most of my work, thanks for your kind review!

  • PotHeadMonki
    May 12, 2005
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    this is really hmmmm in a different perspective with a twist at the end..thanks for commenting on my poem [our cremation] although i dont think i wrote anything that suggests a woman is a victim...actually its funny how the thought occured to me.. when i was writing it, i was thinking about a girl as a victim..but then I myself, am a girl, so i tried not to make it so that the victim seemed more like a boy..i read it over after u left your comment. its funny though, how society has such a great affect on our thinking...i am a feminist, and i dont think men are more powerful than women although physically, some are..and as of right now, men are the most who hold ruling positions..but i assums times are slowly changing...[Pale moon-a sliver in the skies

    Reflects the evil in his eyes

    Stalks his prey by light of day

    Nighttime is his time to slay]

    that part was best.. good rhythm..nice rhymes... rock on
    Edited on May 12, 1:23 p.m. because 'spelling error'.

  • DawnBaby
    May 12, 2005
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    Great

    Thanks so much for reviewing my poem, Night Prey, thought I would put a twist to it, make us come out the winner for a change! Thanks appreciate it!

  • DawnBaby
    May 12, 2005
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    Great

    Thank you so much, decided to make us come out the winner for a change in that situation, thought it was a nice twist for a change! Woman Power!

  • JyN
    May 12, 2005
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    Great ending! Good all around peom.


  • CinderellaTears
    May 12, 2005
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    I was Surprised!!

    lol!!! it was kinda sad/icky at the beginning, i thouoght it would end up for the bad guy, but you completely fooled me!! it went in an entirely different direction, and yes! one for us!! lol. too bad most crimes dont end so nicely. its always the innocent people who end up getting killed. good job!!


  • DawnBaby
    May 12, 2005
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    Thanks so much for your review and comments, so appreciate your time spent reviewing. Thanks!


  • DawnBaby
    May 12, 2005
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    Thanks so much for your review and time spent reviewing. It is appreciated. Thanks!


  • Shamisen
    May 12, 2005
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    Yep, I definitely liked the message in this poem and you have some great lines going on to - about a man's instincts being to kill. The meter seems out of pace at times but I'm unsure if that is deliberate or not, to compound a feeling of breathlessness and fear...

  • earlhopkins
    May 12, 2005
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    I Guess.

    Perhaps next time, you could make it a bit... longer?

  • DawnBaby
    May 12, 2005
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    Ha,ha, I thought I would make us the winner for a change! Thanks so much for your review, I am not a man-hater have two sons, but...things still do not feel fair to me, so in my head I even the score! Thanks for you kind review and time


  • FaithInWords
    May 12, 2005
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    Hahaha- I loved the ending. The whole poem was great, flow was awesome. I really enjoyed the whole poem, but the last line was just awesome. Thanks much for posting, keep it up.
    Blessings-
    ~Heather

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