each day brings me closer to zero,
each thought, just another mile gone.
you'd think that things would be much clearer,
the closer you get to the sun.
a tiny bright diamond, my beacon,
the only direction i know.
its dance, at the edge of my vision,
a white-hot mirage of false hope.
i wander this world lost in shadow,
a shadow that's blacker than night.
the sun's fiery hand can't dispell it,
it deadens all things in my sight.
my aching desire,
drags my feet forward,
my unwitting heart,
not willing to hear,
the depths of my soul
long bereft of salvation,
i stumble along,
ever stalked by my fear.
Author notes
Written May 10th, 2005
A contest entry
- For the love of god CONFUSE ME by h202.
450 points, ended February 10, 2008, 63 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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this has got some pretty cliche lines in it, but it also has some good ones. "a white-hot mirage of false hope" is kind of both, but i like it. "a shadow that's blacker than night" just isn't that original to me. i feel like you could direct me as the reader more to what exactly makes you feel all that you write here. like why is there a white-hot mirage of hope? hope for what? aching desire for what? "ever stalked by my fear" isn't that great of an ending in my opinion. but overall really not bad.
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much to like
The imagery is familiar, the sun burns but does not enlighten - I'm never going back!
Your rhyming is very subtle, but still has an effect of unifying the message. You have fitted stresses to the meter very well. Perhaps the subjunctive "would" in line 3 is too complex, there is a bump there. The last stanza is quite different in form - though the content is along the same line. The imagery you have chosen expresses this mood very well.
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You have a great sense of rhythm. When you choose a meter, you are able to stick to it.
However, I don't think that your meter matches the message in this poem. This is a jaunty bit of amphibrachic trimeter ( i WANder this WORLD lost in SHAdow/ a SHAdow that's BLACker than NIGHT). It's the meter of a limerick. It makes the dark imagery of the poem seem ironic, or even comical, as if you're happy about how miserable you feel.
If irony is your goal, then this is completely successful. If that wasn't your intention, you might want to rethink the meter in your future work, choosing something a little more thoughtful or somber.
These are not better, just examples. Trochaic trimeter would change it to more of a chant:
Wandering in shadow
blacker than the night
sunlight can't dispell it
death is in my sight
or iambic pentameter, to make it more contemplative:
I wander through the world of men in shadow
a shadow that is blacker than the night
the sun's infernal blaze cannot dispell it
it deadens all creation in my sight
I've just started teaching a class on meter.
http://allpoetry.com/class/show/Gentle%20Introduction%20to%20Meter
In your first poem you posted, you said you were tired of the style you were using - you might find some inspiration in playing with other types of meter, as I did above. -
great write!! I really enjoyed reading your work and hope to read more from you in the future.
~The Diggety~
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good gracious me
that was amazingly written. thortful and in a way sad... :-)
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The last stanza seems to bring it all together, explaining the other, somwhat cryptic, stanzas, especially the third. Great job with this!
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this is awesome, i especialy liked the last paragraph thingy ~*julia*~
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