.... for Jenna ....
It seems to me the sunshine in your eyes
that burns away the glow of lesser stars
reflects the crystal moonlight of your soul.
Since our paths have crossed, I’ve never groped in darkness,
feeling my way by touch with uncertain hands and feet,
startled every moment contact serves as vision.
I feel the shadows fade before your gaze,
those blurred recesses deep where dreads are stored;
it seems to me the sunshine in your eyes
lifts an obscuring fog that would magnify my doubts
and cloud my thoughts with mist until I walked in quandary,
feeling my way by touch with uncertain hands and feet.
Your view illuminates my mystic core,
reveals a steady center in the storm,
reflects the crystal moonlight of your soul.
I’ve searched for eyes like yours, filled full of jasper mystery;
it often felt like folly; the hope would haunt my dreams
and cloud my thoughts with mist until I walked in quandary.
That dripping haze has drifted off my sight—
each day I wake beside your loving stare;
it seems to me the sunshine in your eyes
now lights the way before me, a path that once was dim,
concealed beneath the drizzle with slick unsettled footing;
it often felt like folly; the hope would haunt my dreams.
I feel the strength increase within my heart
because this narrow path beneath my stride
reflects the crystal moonlight of your soul.
So long as you’re beside me, I’ll always trust my heading;
you hold a gloom at bay that else would leave me blind,
concealed beneath the drizzle with slick unsettled footing.
Your smile clears a gray pall from my mind
and vivifies the world in which we stand;
It seems to me the sunshine in your eyes
reflects the crystal moonlight of your soul.
Your presence parts the clouds like gentle golden beams;
since our paths have crossed, I’ve never groped in darkness;
you hold a gloom at bay that else would leave me blind,
startled every moment contact serves as vision.
Author notes
to learn more about the hybridanelle: allpoetry.com/Column/1086828/all=1
Written April 16th, 2005
In a list
What did you think
Comments
1 - 96 of 96
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Great!
wow.... and that is what I call a love poem! Whoever Jenna is I am sure she swooned... LOL! Great write!
KAY -
fair
I too have difficulty with that last line. It seems that it needs a comma after moment otherwise you have "moment contact" which dosn't make sence. I don,t particularly care for love poems, I do however recognise that someone else may like it. -
Br
I would applaude but I dont have enough points SO * I stand up and applaude in person* great job I loved it -
creative
A lovely write with images that could be brought up in mind's eye easily. I found myself reading twice to pull more of a story
from your write.
Beautifully done.
All the best,
Amanda -
Very lovely piece. All sorts of good stuff...
I did find some of the metaphors/images a tad cliche, but that was more than made up for by the lovely vocabulary and implementation. Great flow too...I also very much enjoyed the combined styles. That's hard to do without sounding pretensious (which this is most certainly not). Lovely stuff.
Cheers,
Yossarian -
wow this is so very beautiful. the side border really adds to the effect very well. i agree withtitus in calling this classic stuff. Amazing write here. keep doing what your doing!
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Wonderful from the beginning to the ending- filled with great emotion and joy and written in a fantastic style- fitting to the feelings you show
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Classical stuff!
What can opne add, but bow to your prowess! You'd easily be able to write Shakespearean style with work like this, fantastic! -
wwwooowww. this was amazing! a delightful read!!!! this was the first time id seen hybridanelle (possible typo), but i think it was a fantastic introduction. good luck! keep on writing ~xex~
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Very interesting and very beautiful.10 thumbs up.great write,you have alot of talent so dont ever stop writting no matter what anyone says,i hope to one day read a book of all your work.that would be amazing,and probably a best seller.well good luck with everything you do and with everything that happens to you now and in the future.
-someone outthere -
such a sweet love poem. it really shows how much you care for this person and how gratefull you are for having them. keep up the good work
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can't this be any sweeter? hands down...
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This line isn't correct fix it- startled every moment contact serves as vision
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It has been a while since I was back to read this one and I made a run through the comments as well. I enjoyed re-reading the poem and found no added comments to make but to reinforce my already made remark on the exceptional use of the prosodic devices throughout. The content is revealing and I am sure Jenna did some swooning over it. Her comments to you were pretty telling on how she feels about you and it would appear the feelings are mutual.
Take care and give that cutie pie a hug for the ole man willya,
Thanks,
Del -
This is really good.. I love this.. This is truly great writting.. I love this..
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Wow this poem is gorgeous. I love it so much...it's totally a great write.
Thank you so much for sharing such beautiful wonderful emotions with us!
Love and light,
Jenna -
crystaldust 17-06-05 16:31
You could not have chosen a more perfect form than hybridanelle for this perfect poem, Erin Thomas. It radiates beauty as your love irradiates it. Thank you for sharing your joy in this relationship. -
wonderfully expressed, amazing dear
loved the lines-
Your view illuminates my mystic core,
reveals a steady center in the storm,
reflects the crystal moonlight of your soul.
I’ve searched for eyes like yours, filled full of jasper mystery;
it often felt like folly; the hope would haunt my dreams
and cloud my thoughts with mist until I walked in quandary.
That dripping haze has drifted off my sight—
each day I wake beside your loving stare;
it seems to me the sunshine in your eyes
very beautiful, hope to read more of your works
luv, keep writing -
As many have said before, this is a very well-written poem. It flows exceptionally well and the repetition is used effortlessly. The images are great and your word choice is flawless. I love the hyrbridanelle format and you've used it to your advantage. Mui kudos and keep writing.
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As I said before, I won't be doing one of these anytime soon, as it seems rather complicated and I never have a lot of time for writing anyway. Villanelles and sonnets seem complicated enough on most days. That said, this is a very good poem. You've used every weapon in your arsenal, it seems, and done an excellent job with it.
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This was very well written. I like your "exact" wordings; the imagery was great. At first it seemed the story of a "student" whom had discovered his "teacher", who leads him, and puts light in the dark ways. But on reading on it develops into a love poem.
I think though, some of the stanzas were repetitions of things already stated; such could be done with. -
Wonderful romantic write Erin. I'm not a romantic by heart but when in verse, the romance cracks the door.
Excellent flow and imagery, sorry for the cliché.
~Dee -
Magnificent write here.
This a style to admire and I think this piece also reads like Wardsworth himself among other poets that delved into nature. Yet it has a flair of your style, and I find much to like about this one. I am glad that I found this particular piece because it just flows with vivid and graphic images. I must say that I will have to study this, but do not think that I could write one this magnificent. It is to me a masterpiece. Out of applauses now but will have more later. -
Awesom
Very good imagery. Very beautiful. I just don't know what to say. Keep up the good work. -
this is the second of your i have read written in this style and i am blown away by your talent. there's nothing i can say that hasn't already been said by other people apart from well done. this was captivating.
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The beginning is wonderfully romantic. The repetition reinforces the sentiments expressed through this poem. The form seems very interesting though I wonder if any one else can carry it off with so much élan.
krishna -
I can only imagine how happy Jenna was/is with this poem
I like all of it but specially this line :'reflects the crystal moonlight of your soul', absolutely lovely!
The more I read this form, the more I get what you mean with 'explore the sentiments'. I'll try
Mari
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I've read both your poem and the column on hybridanelle's. Not being someone who is very much into form poetry (apart from some shorter forms), it was a very nice educational experience. I thought this poem to be very good and the required repetition of certain lines (like in vilanelle's, etc.) is not disturbing. The first stanza is particularly beautiful and powerful and a wonderful introduction to the rest of the poem. It is quite nice how the opening lines comes together at the end of the poem too.
This is a very good example of how love poetry should be written - just enough romance and not mushy at all. I think of all the genres love poetry does pose quite a challenge! The only line that did not feel right for me was this one "startled every moment contact serves as vision" - somehow the word "contact" seems out of place. The rest of the poem is smooth as silk!
~ Nicolette
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PAL: oh i understand very well the hardship of breaking free from rhyme. i did it in stages, starting with consonance, then alliteration, then assonance and finally some of the more elaborate schemes. later, as you see here in this poem, i finally found my way to associative parallelisms (which match metrically). if you do a "View All" on the comments here you'll find a post from me where i explain the end-line parallelisms for this poem. i think you'll find it interesting.
for me, breaking free of rhyme was like chewing through iron shackles that had me mercilessly chained in the dungeon of classical formalist convention. lol -
Bravo!! Standing in Applause
So effortless, it flows, yet I can imagine the effort that went into writing this wonderful verse. A lovely lovely poem for your lady. Truly a work of art. I am trying so hard to embrace the hybridanelle. I think with practice I may be able to make a natural fit. I just WANT to RHYME too badly.
Again, wonderful wonderful verse to read, reflect upon, and learn from. Thank you for sharing this, and so much more. ~Pam
Edited on May 18, 12:39 because 'That dreaded typo
F'.
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OUTSTANDING!!!
"Beautiful" is too small a word to describe this poem. Your girlfriend is very blessed to have you in her life that feels and writes for her like that. I am going to surely bookmark this one. -
my mind does things like this to me in poetry, too. can't always control it. :\
i'm glad that you enjoyed this piece overall. you'll find that in one of my responses i provided some information about the endline prosody employed. you might find it interesting. my methodologies have been evolving bit by bit. -
Excellent
Hi Erin, This is a magnificent piece of poetry. During the first read, the other night--I read for pleasure only (not having enough time at work to post a comment) and tonight I looked it over more critically-and discovered that it wasn't an end rhyming poem...The crisp and smooth execution of each line, with the sonics so deliciously designed, gave the most elegant reads I have read in a long while... which, left me with the taste in my mouth as flavored rhyme and meter...
The make up of this, both in the use of poetic devices through out, smooth emjambments, rhyming tools for inner rhymes and the fresh, unrelenting imagery are only some of the excellence I found within each line. The only nit I came across wsa the ending 2 lines, especially:
you hold a gloom at bay that else would leave me blind,
The '...that else would' makes me want to say (and I add it anyway) all else leaves me blind,
Hugs, Liz ...
(PS I have a favor to ask you...will send it PM, later...)
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It seems to me the sunshine in your eyes
that burns away the glow of lesser stars
this is my favorite part of thye whole poem. the fact that you desire her above all the other woman is beatutiful. "The Lesser Stars" is an interesting metaphor
Your smile clears a gray pall from my mind
and vivifies the world in which we stand;
I can imagine lady liberty parting the clouds over the ocean for some reason when iIrea dthis paragraph. I like that it can give many images to build off This poem is wonderful. the genre is great. You usually write about yourself or things that inspire you (which is wonderful) but your love poetry is the best. you can seek out into the world and pull out something "new" like.. Most people say: You eyes are blue like the ocean and yoru haior is like the sun. ok... a blue-eyed blonde. whatever. you have your own ideas, I love it! grteat job Erin, this was a beautiful piece. I can criticize!
Best wishes Erin,
-holly hoo Hoo -
This is such a beautiful expression of love, Erin. Your poetry, always perfected, never ceases to leave me spellbound with it's content, appreciative of it's form, mesmerized by your dedication to poetry itself.
This one is wonderful in every way..... and it sounds like your girlfriend loves it beyond words.
Dee ...aka...catz
Edited on May 13, 9:54 p.m. because ''. -
Aashik: bear in mind that i spent nearly 4 weeks on this poem. don't feel too committed to completing the poem in one sitting. start on it and work on it as time permits until you feel it's finished.
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Another exquisite hybridanelle from you. This was extremely tender and beautiful!
I had tried a hybridanelle before but could never complete it. I shall try it again tonight. A print out of your coloumn is still lying over my study table.
Thanks a lot for sharing!
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It seems to me the sunshine in your eyes
that burns away the glow of lesser stars
reflects the crystal moonlight of your soul.
Since our paths have crossed, I’ve never groped in darkness,
feeling my way by touch with uncertain hands and feet,
startled every moment contact serves as vision.
So much love in those two stazas alone! This, every part of it, is a wonderful piece. I enjoyed reading it, good Sir-- very much indeed! -
Dear Erin,
Veni'...lei'.....y goce'.....!!!!!
I came....I read...and enjoyed!!!!
If I knew what the Spider guy above was talking about, I'd agree with him 100%!
Nice offering Erin! Truly!
Amigos,
John
PS> Go see Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy if you've not yet done! I thought it was pretty cool!John
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A suuny display of love
Once more a lovely write by a gifted artist -
Interesting form you have created here, Erin. I have written villanelles, paradelles, and (elsewhere) terzanelles. I like the unique way your hybrid largely does away with the over-repetitive nature of the lines in the traditional form. It makes the repetition much less obtrusive, sort of the same way that Dylan Thomas made use of some qualities of obsessive forms in his poem "And Death Shall Have No Dominion. This poem flows nicely, and provides marvelous imagery within its tercets and quatrains. A highly commendable piece, and an equally commendable form. Perhaps one day I will take up the task of trying it -- I certainly do enough of the other traditional obsessives....
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Excellent
Love is and always be the one thing in this world that can brighten the spirits no matter what else is going on in your life. You've done a wonderful job expressing those emotions in this piece. Nice smooth read. I like it very much. Take care.
Michael -
This is a very beautiful poem.Love shines out of it.How we all need love in our lives.Thankyou for sharing.
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It's a nice tribute . . . that is, for Jenna. Lovely.
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A wonderful love poem!
Regarding your "associative parallelism" (pheww that's a mouthful)
One thing that struck me over and over while reading is the sun/moon imagery.
The sun and the moon are (traditionally) a pair. They enjoy an ancient, timeless relationship signified by the golden brilliance of the sun, reflected by the silver skin of the moon.
By the way you wrote this, it seems like Jenna is both to you.
"sunshine in your eyes" + "crystal moonlight of your soul" =complete.
I really loved this stanza:
Your view illuminates my mystic core,
reveals a steady center in the storm,
reflects the crystal moonlight of your soul.
Here, in addition to the associative parellelism you mentioned re: eyes as the window of the soul, I am reminded a little of physics, where the object is transformed by the observer.
Isn't that what love does? It transforms us, and true love? Always for the better.
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Excellent
This was a wonderful poem, and well worth the read, as well as worthy of being featured, it deserved every applause it has received so far. Jenna must really mean alot to you for it to inspire such a beautiful write, keep penning these great lines, and you will gain many admirers, if everybody doesn't admire you already, I surely do, goodbye -
I agree with every comment. This was so beautifully written, and totally sweet.
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Wow.... this one's excellent.... I can't even pinpoint what I like best. it has a unified powerful effect... This is beautifully and exquisitely penned... thanx for sharing...
mina -
I love this poem! The form was good, and it flowed really well too. Good job.
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Awsome...
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Some people throw together a bologna sandwich and some create an eating experience. I enjoyed the meal, my compliments to the chef for the presentation and the warmth it created within.
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I'm a bit awestruck by this piece - I guess I try to keep things simple most of the time! You've written what seems to me a hugely challenging technical piece of poetry (judging by your email snippet) and really pulled it off - fab! It's a real journey of a poem with a pure, clear message at its heart.
xx -
nice
Seems like good imagery's not hard to find but yours is still amazing. -
good
you are a pritty intence writer. Good wording -
Beautiful Love the imagery, it was a truly lovly poem
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great
beautiful writing. im kinda speechless, so, yeah... -
I'm not too familiar with this style though it does prove to be challanging, I just might try it sometime.
As for the poem the image was indeed enhanced by his style. Well done. -
ava noire: ah, i suppose i should share with you (and any other readers who might be interested) some of the scheme of parallelism. "soul" had a definite, specific place in it. here it is reproduce from an email i sent talking a little about it:
---------- begin snippet from email ----------
The end-line patterning in this poem is pretty involved. It uses a combination of phonological and associative parallelism. With the villanelle weave (the odd numbered stanzas) the middle lines alliterate and the other lines have two types (speaking loosely) of association. In the opening stanza the "eyes"/"soul" parallelism is playing off an the old adage, "The eyes are the windows to the soul." After this stanza, the word "eyes" or "soul" in each refrain is associated with something related in the first line of those stanzas ("gaze"/"eyes", "core"/"soul", "sight"/"eyes", "heart"/"soul", "mind"/"eyes"/"soul"). In the final odd numbered stanza, I chose a word that has associations with both "eyes" and "soul". The "mind" is the mental eye with which we see ideas and have understandings. It is also another aspect of our "core self", so the "soul".
Pretty challenging.
In the terzanelle weave (even numbered stanzas) the end-line pattern alternates between a monosyllabic phonological paralellism (partial consonance or alliteration) ("doubts"/"feet", "dim"/"dreams", "blind"/"beams" and disyllabic associative parallelism ("darkness"/"vision", "quandary"/"mystery", "footing"/"heading"). I actually have a good deal more fun with the associative parallelisms than I ever did the phonological parallelisms. They manifest a rather singular flavor in a poem.
The odd numbered stanzas are all in iambic pentameter while the even numbered stanzas use different types of hexameter in pairs (compare the first and third lines of each even numbered stanza).
---------- end snippet from email ----------
so, as you can see, i planned and did something fairly specific with "soul" both in content as well as structure. i couldn't use another word for "soul" if i wanted to capture the sense of "eyes being the window" in this poem--the "eyes"/"soul" lexical colocation (syntagm) is deeply established...it would sound stranger if i used a word like "brains", "self", or "depths". the english idiom, where this is concerned, didn't leave me with a lot of options if i was going to communicate precisely what i intended to communicate. creating new lexical references must be done carefully, and it was not within the scope of this poem to coin a new word for "soul".
i might one day get to it though.
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Just so you know I’m not some rude point waster. I clicked on this from the featured box just as my AOL connection decided to have a spasm. When I came back online the poem was no longer in the featured box, and since I couldn’t remember your last name I had to search through pages and pages of E’s. Then when I finally found the poem and read it, my computer decided to have a serious error, and here I am , 3rd times a charm huh? Lets hope so. I won’t be coming back to find this poem a 4th time, no offense.
Now that I’ve been able to read the poem here are my thoughts.
The only thing I see that I didn’t like is your use of “soul,” as part of the refrain. I think we have all been guilty of using the word at one point or another in love poetry but it is one of those words most often deemed cliche and this is a beautifully heartfelt, and otherwise original and creative poem.
But sometimes it does feel good just to say the word and mean it. And I think you did mean it here, so that is a minor criticism.
As always I enjoyed reading.
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very nice read
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Wow. This was a well written poem. I'm not sure what they style is all about, all I really go for is the content and the meaning in the poem. I loved the way you wrote it. Great job.
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ooooh niiice
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This poem is perplexing. It's complex and yet understandable at will. It is very good.
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Bravo
That exact interplay is indeed a palpable sensation. Far from critizing your usage to this interplay, let me applaud it. It sets up so many different feelings, and somewhat jars the reader into this alternate reality. It aslo sets us up for a shift in the time sequence. It was exceptionally done. -
This is stunning! Your play on light here is magnificent (the refrains!) Love poetry at its best. So many elements come together here to make this an exquisite work.
The form is brilliant. I love the alternating flow and manipulation of meters. Savored. -
A++
very good and nicely written; peacefull too -
A sunny piece of moonlit beauty
Day and night seem to become you,my dear, an applaudable piece of work, your analogies and metaohors, similes etc are lovely to behold in the writing of one so young -
Enchanting
Oh boy not only is this beautiful but it is also enchanting and you sure know how to write a truly lovely poem or sonnet if you will. -
ecol: was kind of hoping the interplay between the sun and the moon "sunshine" being the reflection of "moonlight" would be an interesting sensation on the brain and bring a little magic to the poem.
was also hoping to use this image to bring forth the depth and power (of a warming light as from the sun) through the feminine image and energy of the moon. wonder if my notion wasn't a bit silly.
still... when i read over the poem. there's something kind of magical about it all. the interplay does something neat and meaningful for me as the writer. i just hope it will have a similar effect on at least some of my readers. guess only time will tell. -
this is gorgeous..i loved it
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excellent form, well done, well done! not only that, but the words wove a wonderful story full of beautiful images. very gifted you are.
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Pretty
The interplay between sun and moon, the blending of these two disharnmonious images is perplexing. Knowing the differences between the very character of light in this poem makes the flow somewhat unsteady. It is pretty non the less. -
very nicely written
these lines came out to me the most
"I’ve searched for eyes like yours, filled full of jasper mystery;
it often felt like folly; the hope would haunt my dreams
and cloud my thoughts with mist until I walked in quandary" -
This is sooo sweet! I love it. Great Write
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I can't comment on the form as I am not familiar with it . However the words themselves made up for that . It is unusual to read a write about love that is not so mushy as to make one come out of a diabetic coma ommediately , but this one got the message accross with much eloquence and I am sure that whomever it is for will treasure it,
Reenie
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Oh, to have such a friendship! You are a truly outstanding poet, and this poem has a lovely, calming flow and a beautiful array of images. I hope Jenna has read this poem. x
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enjoyed the read
This is a greatly expressive poem and a delight to read...you really have a wonderful gift...it nearly took my breath away...I also liked the structure and the way it flowed...take care...x -
fantastic
i reall ly love the form of this poem and it's so brilliantly crafted
It seems to me the sunshine in your eyes
that burns away the glow of lesser stars
reflects the crystal moonlight of your soul.
I love this part, so original. well done on a fantastic write
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A wonderful show of beautiful talent. Jenna must hold a very special place within your heart to pen such a tribute. The imagery was vivid and full of life and love. Adding in the sun enhances the words of truth you wrote. Very well written.
-Cadence- -
Outstanding
OH HONEY!!
This is so romantic. I love you for spending so long to write it and to get it "just right" despite the frequent interruptions. It made my mother's day when I got off work to find it on my car seat.
I love your description of my eyes and how they affect you. It makes me feel worthwhile in troubled times. You give me hope that my life will stabilize and you have confidence in my ability to do so when so many people in my life judge me as incompentent. Where you see me as fascinating, others view me as strange or just plain weird.
It fills my heart with joy that you are able to see past their judgemental views that further draw me into a state of hopelessness.
I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You are so good for me and as this poem illustrates, I am good for you as well.
Thank you so much for writing this piece that expresses the emotions that you hold for me in addition to your daily shows of affection.
I'm so touched by the line:
"I’ve searched for eyes like yours, filled full of jasper mystery;"
The fact that you spent over an hour researching the colour of stones to find the very colour that matches my eyes makes me admire you and feel your dedication to me.
Nobody has ever treated me as well as you and viewed me as a "peer" rather than a psycho.
Again; I thank you and I love you for writing this poem just for me.
Jenna -
V.Good
Beautiful use of words used here; especially in the out-pouring (from the poem) of real emotion and realism of the scene that is taking place. It does not quite read well inplaces but that might just be me, I am sure when it is read again the flow will show itself. wonderful writing -
i really really liked this one, its great
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Kind of poem that you don't know how to critique because it is so full of beauty, both abstract and concrete.
Thanks for sharing -
hi i liked this poem really really good poem this is one of the best poems ever on this site.... please check out my bird poem
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Beautiful
Absolutly beautiful. -
This was wonderfully written by a skilled and talented poet. I loved the form and the passion in this write that was gentle as well as being strong. It was not too over the top with romance either which was great because you got the balance just right. The flow of this poem is very natural and never forced. It was written from the heart and warmed my heart as I read it. It made connection from the writer to the reader and I really enjoyed reading it. Keep up the good work.
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Lovely poem, lovely form, this is beautiful, a form I would love to try some time, romantic without slobbering, great my friend I loved every line, a great write with great feel, on to my favorites it goes, all the best, hugs Di
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fantastic work
Edited on May 09, 3:47 because ''. -
I really like this poem. It is really good. I enjoyed reading it. Well done !!! Good Luck with your other poems.
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hey this is a great poem well done! it also flows realy well. well done
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crystaldust 09-05-05 08:46
"A thing of beauty is............" I don't need to continue, do I? A wonderful, gracious tribute to the marvel of love. Thank you for sharing.l -
a really romantic and heartfelt poem.i liked how the eyes serve as take off and focal point of this piece.how all the other things here is connected to vision-blindness,gaze,eye contact,sight,stare.it gives the poem its uniqueness among other love poems.adored this.beautiful.
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Excellent
I really seriously liked this, it is so good I do not even dare critique it, obviously you already know more here then I, so I will just keep quiet and say this is absolutely beautiful! Seriously, I will bookmark this one! Thanks for submitting it, great! -
Absolutely beautiful. There were moments, particularly in the first stanza, wh
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