I smell of chlorine
And powdered detergent.
I never knew hypocrisy smelled like this.
I cleansed myself in water
Washed my hands like Pontius Pilate.
It would not leave my skin.
I never knew guilt smelled like this.
I put on perfume and jewelry
Powdered my face,
Rubbed on my lavender lotion.
Yet, I smelled the same.
I never knew shame smelled like this.
I sang myself a lullaby
I counted my self some sheep
I drowned myself in stupid commercials.
Till I dreamt of silver mermaids on a sanguine sea
Even then it permeated my soul.
I never knew nightmares smelled like this.
I jumped off a cliff onto a bed of rocks
I burnt my skin with gasoline
I slashed my wrist with a knife
I tied my neck with your belt
I gulped myself a bottle of pills
And still nothing changed…
I never knew death smelled like this.
Author notes
Written May 8th, 2005
In a list
What did you think
Comments
1 - 41 of 41
-
just wanna check your work...found this too fascinating and boy was i right this really amazed me...
and saw Pete here with his comment [nakakamiss sya dito, wala ng nang-aasar sa kin]
back to your write
natameme lang ako ako...oo nga no?
parang yun lang ang kaya kong sabihin
sobrang mangha ako kasi
sobra syang astig...sa title pa lang...
-
hi, was randomly perusing your work and this piece made me stop and think...yeah! very good, well presented...thoughts that pass through our minds as we go through the motions of living...conscience nagging, as we ask ourselves why we need to get so clean and well-dressed when we have a presentation to do (will our ideas be sold easily if we are pleasant to the senses?)...do we have to adulterate our physical selves to conform, to be more acceptable?
-
Okay - now why have I not been here before??? I love this! The descriptions are captivating! Using the scent of what has led to such an intense angst... So very powerful within each emotion... You have mastered such a very unique piece full of thought bending expression and mind altering perception.
WOW!
-
All i can say is WOW!!!
-
awesome
sis ,another great one .. -
Hey I liked this piece, it just made me think a lot- just made me think of negative things in life and how hard they are to wash away the first time, but pretty much the thing that will help us to get through is time itself. Great write, I liked it a lot. Good luck in the contest.
-
Brilliant!
Wow..this is fantastic darling! Very unique! I love it! good luck in my contest!
Your's Cruely,
Sarah -
This is a great write. It's chock full of imagery, and it is extremely evocative. Good job.
-
Wow, that was very intense, even frightening I dare to say.
A poem full of angst and yet sounds so realistic. Very well done with this one, emotions flow from the first till last line!
Wishing you all the best,
Mari
-
*smiles* Wonderful, I loved how you used smells as the imagery in this, most often it is sight that people use. The entire thing was amazingly-written, and I liked the very last stanza a lot too, it osrt of cleared things up (or more, confirmed them). A powerful write!! Good luck, and thanks for entering.
~ Lady ~ -
Very strong emotions in this write.Very descriptive and well written.~~~Suseann
-
Oh soo well done. The sense of smell so subtle to our human exsistance yet such a powerful influence to our minds. This poem flowed really well and pulled me in from the first line. Such a different way to explain things and I loved the way you didn't put the word 'smells' into the title, it took it even further away from corny than it already was giving it even more depth. Bravo, Standing ovation and all that.
-
hmmmm..... I like the approach you took. Usually I don't go for the repetitive likeness lines that you have at the end of each stanza, it gets on my nerves, but here... I think it works!
I like that self reflective, but still kind of outside looking in, feel that you have going on in the poem. I think it creates a really dark atmosphere, which of course, is exactly what you were looking for. Nice little piece. -
this was a very dark write...i thought it was very unique and an excellent poem at that...im glad i decided to read it...i liked how you compared everything in your poem...it was definately a great death poem....it had great imagery i could see everything playing before me inside my head..........great job
~~~Vampireblood~~~ -
wow. a very very original piece. at first i thought that the title was weird. but then it made sense. i like this poem. and cool ending
-
I love the unique comparisons you used so frequently in this poem. It really helps it and the imagery was also quite smooth.
-
I don't know how long it's been since I did laundry myself. Since I found out I was pregnant my boyfriend's done it. Sweet guy, huh?
That's what the first couple lines reminded me of... but I see this is far deeper and more disturbing than what one might first think.
"Till I dreamt of silver mermaids on a sanguine sea" is a GORGEOUS line!
You talk about using so many forms of suicide in so few lines, it makes you seem desperate to end it. It also makes me wonder what triggered this nightmare.
I think using the "same" form for the last line in each stanza really works for this poem- brings it a sense of continuity.
Well done, you earn applause.
And I wish you luck in the contest! -
Hey! I love this, its a really powerful piece! Beautifully written, cleverly done too! I like all of the descriptive content, creates some fab imagery! Good luck in the contest! Love lulu x
-
So refreshing! A poem is supposed to be sensual, and this plays with my senses! I am intreged. I love the end, and how it ties in to the contest without being too obvious. I will promote you in my authors page!
-
Oh wow the way that you ended this with the different ways to kill yourself especially that last line really got me. this was brilliant
SHari
-
Powerful
This was absolutely amazing. My favorite was where you said 'Washed my hands like Pontius Pilate'. It's a great allusion, and this poem was excellently written. It really captured the feeling of betraying some one and hypocrisy. -
Wow, this was sooooooooo amazing. Really a brilliant poem that sucked me in from the word go. I can't think of anything better to say, and for me being speechless is new. I will definately be checking more of your work!!!!! Brilliant!!!!
-
Hmm, I do believe I've just found a new member of my favorite list.
This speaks so much about being mistreated (and can be read on different levels of mistreatment) The poem spirals to a tragic end, a netaphor for this mistreatment. Yeah, I like this!
-
I love this. It's so dark. I love how you use the last lines of each stanza to explain despairing emotions through the sense of smell. Excellent work here.
Maab -
very powerful, and unique. never be for have i seen smells associated with emotions the way you did it...interesting the way you pulled that off and the message behind it
-
This is just awesome, my friend. So far, this is the piece I like most from you. I see you have done a very good job with this! Technically, the form is great for your flow. Is it original? If it is, it's perfect. One more line for one more thought. The repetition of "I never knew ___ smelled like this" is awesome, it emphasizes the olfactory memory you were talking about.
As for the metaphors in the poem, well, what could I say? They're exceptional! I guessed you used the smell of chlorine because it is equally strong and loathesome like the things you compared it to. There are a thousand more metaphors that could be possibly found in this piece. The imagery is just amazing. A tragedy that affects most of your readers! (I can almost smell the chlorine here) -
Well done! and associated memory with scent is very perceptive and also very true and natural. On the other level,inner guilt, shame, cannot be easily washed away or dismissed unless dealt with directly. Very interesting write and thank you for the visit. amicus...
-
woah... this is an amazing piece of work... reading it i could see and feel that you have been at every one of the crossroads in this poem (mentally or physically, but i think both) left me wondering what you feel shameful about... and admiring your faith in the sense that you seem to feel that you 'betrayed' your god or your faith in some way... sounds so familiar... i've paddled that damn boat myself
this poem made my day -
Chlorine gets the red out... but it won't do much to get the dead out. Could be the notion of it (chlorine) being a SPOT remover... and all the emotions you have chosen to speak of are capable of leaving dark spots on one's soul if not eliminated or sanatized in some manner. EXTREMELY deep and provocative write. You did a very good job of expressing yourself with it. I totally enjoyed this.
-
I really don't know what to say except that this is really phenomenal. I particularly like the reference to Pontius Pilate.
-
oooops i was so taken away i forgot to applaud!!!
-
That is a masterpiece. omg I AM DiSqUaLiFiEd!!!!!!!!
Beautiful piece.
It is like something you desperately want to wash away, get rid off and forget but it is there to stay, in your skin - in you.
"Even then it permeated my soul.
I never knew nightmares smelled like this."
You say in a cretain way it is a nightmare, very creative and poetic but also dangerous - somehow
There are many things in here to explore and you did an awesome job
Lady anairO
-
Hi my little sister, well it's great, it is a very good dark, we all associate things or feelings to something and everyone is different it's that that makes the human mind so complex and interesting, I refered once that the kiss of my love who was then, was like the petal of an aurum lily, silky but a slight bitter taste so you see most would laugh at me, I think this is a very good dark write, and for me is a winner, so here comes my applause sis, catch, hugs your ate Di
-
chlorinated despair.chlorine because for some reason the character has associated all her guilt,shame,nightmares,despair,hypocrisy to the smell of chlorine.i cannot say why exactly,because everyone associates something with another for a reason.like i've always associated freshly mowed grass with final exams in up.finals don't really smell either,right?
her reason is perhaps in another poem,her past.whatever.this was just a moment in her life,wherein almost all her senses are clouded by this smell.it bothers her so much.irritataes her.so much so that she'd kill herself just to be rid of the smell.
whew.that was tiring.hehehe.
thank you kannika.i will think of the other things you wrote.
appreciate you taking some time off for this.good luck with class. -
"I sang myself a lullaby
I counted my self some sheep
I drowned myself in stupid commercials.
Till I dreamt of silver mermaids on a bloody sea
Even then it permeated my soul.
I never knew nightmares smelled like this. "
The thing is, you need a central metaphor here, and when I looked into the whole poem, it was playing with the sense of smell--chlorinated despair, right? So, with this stanza I highlighted, I saw that these are visual images, not olfactory ones, and I'm having a trouble what kind of smell 'nightmare' had, in reference to what you put in that stanza.
I'm also wondering about what prompted the use of chlorine, as the focus of the poem. Kasi, because the organic unity of the poem rests solely on the title itself, people are always going to go back to the title and ask, why? and I think your poem tried to provide that, with clues like blood etc, but it wasn't clearly shown. It's like doing something for no reason at all. And that's just plain weird. There has to be a reason why 'chlorine', and the thing is, the poem didn't show much of that.
that's all I can think of today. I'm also revising poems for class, so I'm having a bit of a trouble, sorry if i'm not so articulate these days.
good luck with the poem.
Keep writing
Kannika -
That is indeed a powerful poem, chlorine and powdered detergent. I felt like this many times. I applaud your originality.
I could only suggest more emphasis on the smell itself, either that or a comment on why chlorine especially. -
great job!
this poem was awesome. i loved the the number of lines per stanza increased by one everytime a stanza was added. that was quite unique. it flowed beautifully. i loved this part:
Washed my hands like Pontius Pilate.
It would not leave my skin.
I also liked how the end of every stanza was the same except for the word that the stanza was about. overall this poem was one of the most well done I have read!
-Kaitlin -
Very dark and wonderful write .. different and impressive .. and creative
.. very nicely done .. and beautifully written .. thankyou so much for entering and I wish you the best of luck in the contest .. keep the ink flowing hun 
~Aimee
-
WOW. This was impressive. I'm pretty speechless. The line: 'Rubbed on my lavander lotion' make me smile, I always smile when lavender is mentioned, it's my favorite smell. Well, thank you for writing this, so I could fall over myself trying to compliment you! ♥
-
Wow, this is so deep and dark I loved reading this, this was fantastic I liked the way you lead the idea through, very deep and somewhat scary Thanks for commenting on my poems
All the best,
Pozo
-
wow... grabe, ang galing nito... *claps* iba talaga... i love how you ended each stanza with "i never knew /something/ smelled like this." each new line brought about a different images, images so vivid that i myself could clearly see them as if i'm right in front ot them.. galing talaga sana manalo ka! good luck with the contest!
Adding your comment:
1 - 41 of 41
