To stand in my own strength when all around
In eddies snatches other lives away:
To stand where expectations still abound
Whether from others or my own life's sway.
Tenacity in striving to fulfil
The loving moulding of my childhood years
Compels me onward chancing good or ill
Against rejection and attendant fears.
Such hindrances corral me doubly in
Yet put desired exchange beyond my reach
Until, conceding that I cannot win
Such joys, dismay my soul may timely leech.
What outcome then to cut restraints that bind
Unless to live untrammelled in my mind?
Author notes
I have read and commented upon:
your sonnet A Feeling of Shadows.
and Now Comes the Warrior by -Doctor-Who-
Written May 8th, 2005
A contest entry
- Coping with Being Alone by zappa.
900 points, ended January 19, 2008, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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Love is far fetching -like a strong current in a river, there's only a few mild spots to rest apon, before we are dragged further downstream.
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cystaldust: I think that makes a lot more sense and you have saved the meter. I like it.
"Unless to live untrammelled in my mind?"
"Unless, untrammelled, live but in my mind."
the second one emphasizes that this kind of freedom is not desirable.
The first line makes it seem like living in ones mind is a good thing.
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Hallo and thanks for re-visiting and the helpful comments. I get your point about the last line and emphasizing the meaning. If I change your suggestion a shade, I can keep the metre. So: "Unless, untrammelled, live but in my mind." Will it do?
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I see you've changed redound to abound which is nice.. Your meter and rhythm is perfect here. I think this poem does not have a volta per se.. but you can create one by enforcing the literal meaning of the last line.. and really pushing it.
something like:
"Unless, untrammelled, live only in my mind?" (except using italics instead of upper case)
the extra syllable may not hurt there either. it adds emphasis to 'live only'. you could even use italics..
As it is... the line you use really emphasizes untrammelled, rather than the fact that the speaker can either live in their imagination or live free in the real world.
By emphasizing untrammelled the reader is lead AWAY from the volta.
good job! -
Hallo there, angelica. Thank you for your comments.They are appreciated. Just keep on writing sonnets. This was one of my first, I think. Some of the other aren't very good: I just keep trying.
Joy
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Dear Crystal, this is a wonderful Shakesperian Sonnet.I love the subject you have chosen. I am only a beginnner in writing Sonnets. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Hugs Joan
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Thanks for your critique: it is much appreciated. I've changed "redound" to "abound" in order to keep the rhyme. Am going to take a look at "Alone by Poe".
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A beautiful sonnet with some wonderful word choices...very moody and introspective. Well crafted!
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lonely
You have created a beautiful sonnet here, with great rhyme and meter. It is very sad and melancholic and lonely feeling. A wonderful piece.. my only semi-criticism is that you have used a few uncommon words.. most notably "redound" ... but.. I dont know if that is something to avoid.. it would have the effect of discouraging the impatient. Good job.
Have you read Alone by Poe? It isn't a sonnet, but it is also very lonely feeling. It is on my author page if you haven't. Cheers!
Edited on Dec 16 because ''. -
I have read and commented on your sonnet Three Witches
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I shall have to make sure that your comments don't go to my head, Kevin. Thank you so much for finding this poem. The only professional work I've had published were reviews in the Times Educational Supplement on Music and Drama in Schools way back in the 1970s. Oh, and I did cover the Stratford-on-Avon Shakespeare Festival in Ontario in 1955. Now I know why I feel like a dinosaur sometimes, looking at those dates.! I shall continue to try harder, but sometimes my muse gets really obdurate and won't come out to play. PS I'm really glad that you liked The Depths of Winter. Thanks again. Joy
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Well, this deserves aplause for certain. It is a splendidly crafted and accomplished piece of writing, and a real - and rare - joy to read! I am imprerssed by both the content and the mastery of technique displayed and I shall be looking eagerly at the rest of your work. I wonder if you have been professionally published? This shows you are certainly up to it!
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Thank you for your patience and comments. You're right, of course, I'm a beat short in that line. I've changed "rein" to "kennel" which puts the beat right and also, according to my Thesaurus, is a listed alternative. I'm most intrigued by the use of "ten", "eight", "twelve" beats. Is it of American origin? When I studied poetry some 55-60 years ago, we scanned with spondes, trochees and dactyls - long and short stresses, as you know. Now I have to try to do things in numbers and do find it quite a challenge. Sorry I missed this line. Hope the change is all right. Thank you again for pointing it out.
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No harm in editing later. Feel free to edit again but that's absolutely unnecessary, as this is beautiful!
Though, I counted the following line as 9 syllables: "Such frustrations doubly rein me in". Perhaps you count 'rein' as 2 syllable. Let me know if that's the case and I wouldn't have any problem.
I'm glad the state of 'aloneness' is alien to you and hope it stays that way forever.
Thanks for entering
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Cool; those four lines fit in perfectly with the rest of the poem. Don't worry, you're fine for the contest; it's not to bed judged for at least another three days anyway, so...yeah, you're fine lol.
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Hallo and thank you for your comments. You're absolutely right! I had two phone calls while I was posting the poem and obviously didn't read it through with sufficient care. Have added the missing four lines. Hope I'm still in time at least for it to be judged. Thank you again, and for your good wishes. I returned an applause.
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A 10-line sonnet? I could've sworn sonnets, particularly Shakespeare's sonnets, were 14 lines, but perhaps I missed something somewhere...hmmm...still, I liked this quite a bit. Well-written and well-rhymed. Good luck.
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Hi, and thanks for your comments. I'm glad you regard aloneness as a fortune, because I'm a very good loner and have been for most of my pretty long life. I was trying to feel what it might be like to someone who isn't comfortable being alone. I know several people who can't come to terms with aloneness which, I think, is very sad. Thanks for your interest.
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thumbs up
I thought it was well-written. As somewhat of a loner, I could say I identify with that, although I see that as a fortune rather than misfortune. -
Good to meet you, SouthernBelle, and thanks for your welcome comments. I wasn't sure at first that sonnet form would be best for these thoughts, but it felt comfortable while I was writing it, so I continued with it. Thanks for your interest.
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I liked this very nice. It's interesting that you chose to do a sonnet, it's a nice way to express this poem. I liked your subject matter since being alone isn't alien to myself. A very touching poem that was very well done.
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Hi, a great sonnet, you see this is where I fall flat in the 3rd line from bottom I count it as 8 and cannot see where I am wrong, lovely but sad feel to this poem, very well crafted, all the best, Hug AML Di
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