Bare white feet on dark red stone
(that still feels warm where sunlight shone)
and goosebumps lift the fine fair hair
upon her arms in chilly air…
While down below, like salty locks,
the seaweed twines betwixt the rocks.
It seems to beckon, seems to call --
a siren singing, “Why not fall?”
…
She contemplates the choice she’ll make
(she can’t go back, it’s much too late);
two fates: the one a short known dance,
the other risky, but a chance.
The rocks will mean her lovely hair
will braid within the seaweed there.
Yes, bound in kelp and soaked in brine,
preserved; a mermaid for all time.
But if she takes the fall in hand
and plots the place where she might land,
there is a chance she’ll rise and surf
the wild seas to solid turf.
…
Bare white feet leave dark red stone
(no longer warm where sunlight shone).
Eyes open wide and heart in throat,
she aims for where there still is hope.
…
Author notes
Written May 7th, 2005
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Excellent!
The only problem I have with this poem is the word "mean." "The rocks will MEAN her lovely hair?" How about "maim" maybe? Other than that, this is a damn fine poem, and, although I think it's not quite as good as the last one I just critiqued, there is no doubt that you are a true talent in my mind! Again, excellent! -
Beautiful
I loved this. It was so dramatic like Shiny New said, but mostly about the choice she had to make. I loved the beginning because it was setting the place and giving you an image of contrast to get it going. It was beautiful. I love when a poet knows when to use parentheses and doesn't overdo it. You definitely used 'em well. Nice word choice too!! Rhyme scheme was good and I think that rhymes and half rhymes sound almost just the same. Good job! -
Thanks, Shiny New. If you mean the rhyme, there are two others like that in the piece -- "make" and "late" and "brine" and "time."
Lilac Moon -
wonderful
wow!lots of drama in this one! i liked it a lot - a real "cliffhanger" lol! i wonder about the last line though - not sure about throat and hope!
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