maybe at night
after the evil deeds
and cynical lines
are forgotten
you'll remember my
name
and smile?
take away
the routine sarcasm
and you get
love
sincere in
its pure
innocence
if innocence even
exists
as more than an
afterthought of
archaic poems
and blooming
17th century upperclass Paris
we have known it
though with time
it gives way
to more familiar
irony
perhaps it is in our
human
nature
to taint love with
sarcasm
Author notes
I respect rain for its persistence
Any feedback would be wonderful.
Written May 5th, 2005
In a list
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Comments
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good job
wow pretty kol i love how you made the words like at diff. spots and i like the poem its self job job and thank you for entering and for the appulad i'm trying to get enough points to make it more or give more than one person a prize -
better than me
Very powerfull... especially right now, I NEED friends to talk to, I remember a time when I considered you such, call me some time if you will. and stop the hurried whispers when i walk away, if you would.
with plutonic love from SeanO -
your perdy perfect
Out of everyone ive known your probably the best with words... and you said you were "repetitive and not witty", remember that? I love all your poetry but this is prolly my favorite... -
Awesome
Beautiful. This is definitely one of your best, and somehow, the form makes me focus even more on the flow of words. Very very well done. -
I like a lot about this. But a lot of it makes me wonder.
E.g., how is this person smiling in line 7? You can smile lovingly and cynically. Which reminds me of the title: love should always be stripped of cynicism... if it is NOT, then that is more title-worthy to me: cynical love, or something else like it.
I try not to repeat myself so quickly in a poem, but I like what you do with innocence at the end of the second stanza and the beginning of the third, keep it.
"we have known it" took me out of the poem... I had to try to re-read what you had written there so it would make sense (while inserting the imaginary punctuation marks). I still didn't really see it, but I tried to appreciate how you could see it. Regardless, "it" is a weak pronoun, and the sentence just feels off.
take away
the routine sarcasm
and you get
love
sincere in
its pure
innocence
- great thought.
taint love with what? what are we tainting it with?? what does the sarcasm that we use actually represent? dig deep. not only have you used sarcasm earlier, but i think we're looking for something deeper by this point anyway.
you start off very personal, and end very broad. I'd like to see some of that person again at the end.
Just my thoughts. Ignore them all, of course, if you wish. Like i said, i liked a lot of what you did here.
peace,
Lo
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This is an amazing poem. I was looking through random adopters and reading there latest work. And this is truly amazing. I love how its set up and the topic. Well I love it in every way. Awesome Job.
~Coral~ -
very interesting concept and you presented in beautifully.i think the sarcasm may be to try to prevent the true depth of the emotions from showing.basically a fear of loving someone more than they love you.a truly excellent write.
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Loved the last two lines. Loved the format of this, just loved the whole thing! Wonderful, beautiful talent you have
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Hi, the path of true love never did run smooth, and many times we are cruel, a very nice poem with a good feel and flow, I enjoyed this write, all the best, Di
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hmmmm im alittle confused as well, i am assuming its something like personal. some more authors notes might be helpful, but other than that you do a good job getting across ur emotions and stuff...i like the backround. "take away
the routine sarcasm
and you get
love
sincere in
its pure
innocence" <--- i liked that -
Wow, now, that speaks to me all too much. If I think about it, every relationship I have is full of sarcasm. It can be fun, but really. It's getting old. Wow, you're making me think far too much about this. My love is tainted...but is it just human nature.
Anyway, great job with a subject that probably should be written about more. It's jsut so true. This is wonderful! -
this is interesting. Love and sarcasm intermix but don't go together very well. Good job. I enjoyed it. Keep it up
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there certainly is an argument for that, but i think it comes down to choices. Love is nothing less than a miracle but yes there are many in disguise.
Well written
perhaps it is in our
human
nature
to taint love with
sarcasm
-
love is many things. including sarcastic.
-
"if innocence even
exists
as more than an
afterthought of
archaic poems
and blooming
17th century upperclass Paris
we have known it"
That's the most original and unique description of innocence I've ever read. This is a great poem that you should be proud of. Sarcasm shouldn't be allowed to taint love, as funny as it can be. Good job!
Edited on May 05, 7:16 p.m. because ''. -
Interesting structure. Interesting content. Yeah, just interesting I guess. I normally don't like poems written with weird structure. That makes it seem more like an image than a poem, and I like words better than pictures. Just my opinion! I'm not saying that I don't like what you did! Gah, I hate always having to defend myself when I make comments because everyone is so touchy. Anyway, I'm not saying you are touchy, I'm just saying certain people are. Back to the poem! People seem to think love is no longer innocent and pure, but in my opinion - if love isn't innocent and pure then it isn't love. Oh well, yeah. Nice poem.
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cool
Cool, really really cool. Thank you for sharing this. It is superbly done. Nice flow. -
thought-provokingly wonderful
God, that reminds me of, like, every relationship I've been in! Funny how it works out, huh?
I love the style and flow of this poem and the voice that you use and the point that you make...it's just so wonderful I can't express exactly what I mean, but this puppy is definitely getting some applause from me. Fantastic job! -
what?
chicken yeah i knew that lol great write -
I loved this poem, I also was drawn in by the title. I like the words as well as it's structure. Beautiful job.
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this is so confusing to me. but in time i will understand it. good write. keep it up
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absolutely wonderful
Its a little confusing, but that's what maked me like it so much. Love isn't supposed to be understood, only felt. And yes, much of love is sarcasm. You've captured something with this poem and it gives it that extra kick that magic always does. The structure is so careless and unstable, just like the love its portraying. You've done a wonderful job with this piece. Keep up the excellent work. ;-D
Bre*Auna -
ooh neat-o...i really like this...the title was great...it drew me in.
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Oh. This reminds me of my exboyfriend & I's relationship. I try, sometimes, to be mellow and pretend that I don't care, but it comes out bitterly sarcastic... and I just end up angry... So I confess to him, that I love him. And he understands, and we go away from eachother. /end woe-be-gone story. Hah. Anyway, I enjoyed this poem.
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So true, so true... I love the words in this, they take a bumpy road but they just don't stop, they're so determined... Ok, this is really good. I like how you call love innocence... Heh heh I wish. I'm applauding this!
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Very good!
Very good!I think that many people have forgotten what love means,if they have ever known it at all!Sarcasim is something that comes naturally to some people,irregardless of what situation they are in.
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