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Dead amongst the living

Every breathe is as though amongst the living
Yet I feel death has succum my soul
Travel do I through the Essenes of my existence
and find I exist dead amongst the living
Dawned have I in thy awaken of death
Find thou eyes gasping at the living
Seeing what thou wants, but deepens
my grave, for envy has thou
digging the soil beneath that lays
Must I surpass sights of surroundings
and gasp the air of thee
to give birth to thy existence
or shall I exist dead in amongst the living.

Author notes

Written April 28th, 2005

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 36 of 36
  • piccola silver member
    April 9, 2008

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    well, this is for dark rhyme pre-writes (or new) but it has to rhyme so this must be DQd. Sorry, but if you read the title carefully and the rules you see that this is only just.


  • KaseyL
    March 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I liked how you wrote this. With the thou, thy..it seemed very old-fashioned..it was pretty good. I didn't cry though, it reminded me of vampires. Good job, thank you for entering.


  • MysticalRayne
    January 4, 2008
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    excellent piece thank you for entering and best of luck


  • warrior-eagle
    October 2, 2007
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    Wow.This poem is very different and awesome.Nice job you did here.


  • Just waiting
    August 21, 2007
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    very nice piece thanks for entering


  • Riftkin gold member
    August 18, 2007
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    different and wonderful at the same time

    nice poem here dear poet

  • dontopenyoureyes
    August 14, 2007

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    well lets see i said no prewrites and opened the contests up for somebody who asked being sure to specify it was opened strictly for them, seeing as you're not them...
    i might have been willing to allow this entry had you asked but either you read the description for the contest (which i took time to write out not just cause i was bored)and decided you would try to sneak your pre-write in without asking or you didn't take the time to read in which case i'm glad that's obvious and i get to remove your poem...
    thanks for the entry
    by the way if that was all some horrible mistake please feel free to correct me and i'll apologize in a second
    otherwise once again thanks for the entry


  • islekine gold member
    August 9, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Great entry.

    Thanks!
    *PEACE*


  • Jai Guru Deva
    August 5, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Author's note? Option number? This was amazing. I love it. You did a wonderful job. Amazing imagery, and the reader can relate to the author's pain through the simplicity of the obvious suffering.

    I wish I didn't have to do this...but you left out the option. I can't judge you with this one...

    Since I like it so much, reply to me with the option number and the title. I'll find the poem and judge it fairly after that...You really deserve a trophy for this one!


  • FleetingImage
    July 22, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    verry well written poem in more ways then one.
    good luck in my contest though you might not need it.
    thanks for entering.


  • NickelleteXninja
    June 15, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    very well done...

    good luck in all of the contests you have entered it in

    thanks for entering mine


  • NickelleteXninja
    June 15, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    very well done...

    good luck in all of the contests you have entered it in

    thanks for entering mine


  • Darkened eyes
    May 23, 2007
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    This is a great poem and has such a unique stlye, it's very sad, yet shows clearly the pain.


  • Twilight4Eternity
    March 9, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Interesting write. I like the title...thanks for entering.


  • Norman Crabtree
    January 20, 2007

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    Thank you for entering my contest!

    the first thing that struck me about this poem was the blaring spelling mistake, its silly and lazy especially as youve spelt it right in the poem. please take a little more pride in your work, especially as this is a contest poem. it ruined any chance of this poem being considered.


  • Kali-Mus
    January 9, 2007

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    im sorry to say this but im going to have to disqualify you from the contest. if you read the rules section it clearly states that in order to enter, you must write "granite" in the authors note section to show me that you read and comply with all the rules, feel free to enter another poem but this one will be removed from the contest.


  • noir eyes
    January 8, 2007
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    please read the rules, i really don't want to dq this poem because its very beautiful


  • ImmaculateDesire
    January 3, 2007
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    This is very sad, and emotionally depressing. I am so sorry you feel like this. I don't know if it is inspirational or suitable for cheering up. Did you read the contest rules? I thank you for the entry though.


  • wishintreeUK
    December 22, 2006

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    The last four lines of your poem are excellent. The poem as a whole is very deep, giving your reader something to really concentrate on. I found this very different, yet for this particular contest I feel you have done the subject matter justice, well done and best wishes for the contest.

    ~Katie~

  • The Elder
    December 20, 2006

    Edit | Reply
    this was a tremendous and most excellent poem. I loved it though it was hard to read (background and color). keep up the great writes and enjoyed your entry

    your host
    joe


  • xox-lankan-xox
    December 17, 2006

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    Wow! Very well written! Thanks so much for entering my contest and good luck! My favorite lines were "Every breathe is as though amongst the living
    Yet I feel death has succum my soul
    Travel do I through the Essenes of my existence
    and find I exist dead amongst the living
    Dawned have I in thy awaken of death" Thanks again and good luck! !


  • Just waiting
    June 4, 2006
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    great piece. i really liked it alot. great details!!


  • gothchyld
    May 14, 2006
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    It seems to be a crossover between fantasy and deep poetry, since the grim weeper certainly rings a bell! Excellent flow and personification, and the old language really adds a medieval theme. It definitely shows the illusion of death as something everlasting when the masses already seem to be part of the living dead. Best wishes in the contest!


  • kenjii
    February 9, 2006
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    good!

    it was good... no doubt about that... but it wasn't what i was looking for... keep it up though!!


  • weetbix
    January 9, 2006
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    mmhm I know what you mean nice poem. I shall give you points when I get some..well done! thanks for entering ♥weetbix


  • painfully amazing
    November 25, 2005
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    this is sad,


  • MissingBatteries
    August 17, 2005
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    I liked the topic of the poem, but I too had problems reading it. Maybe I'm just wrong, but did you really mean to write some of the words spelled that way? Just interested so I can appreciate it how it was meant to be. Good luck!
    -whit

  • Wall-Flower
    August 9, 2005
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    Awesome use of the thou!
    Neat poem.
    Very dark.
    Good luck the contest!


  • ArieLLeGiSeLLe
    July 18, 2005
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    "Every breathe is as though amongst the living/ Yet I feel death has succum my soul" This is an excellent openning! However, it is 'succumb' not 'succum'. Also, "Dawned have I in thy awaken of death/Find thou eyes gasping at the living". 'thou' in these lines is actually 'thine'. And the 'thy' sounded a bi awkward, though i do appreciate your usage of this old language instead of 'you' 'your' and 'yours'. I felt that you used 'living' and 'death' too much. I know that's what the poem is about, but i felt you could have used synonyms to replace them. Good poem.! The biggest room in the world is the room for improvement
    Arielle Giselle


  • bluestinger
    July 15, 2005
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    this is very well written and heart felt. great job

  • violet-kissess
    July 7, 2005
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    nice. the language was cool...kind of like shakesphere? very good!


  • skitza
    July 6, 2005
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    This was a interesting poem. I found it quite confusing and hard to read because the words used were a little strange, like Shakespeare. I am sure this was how it was meant to be. There was no problem with it. I enjoyed reading it. It seemed as though it was about depression, in which case it does feel like you are dead.. so good description. Otherwise, great poem anyway!
    Please go back and read the rules!
    Thanks for entering and good luck.
    Skitza

  • fallen fairy
    July 5, 2005
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    very dark and full of feelings. good luck in this contest! great poem, keep writting!


  • July 3, 2005
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    awesome poem. thanx for entering.


  • GldnShadows
    June 23, 2005
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    beautiful...truely great. thank you for entering this in my contest. wish you the best of luck! ~Shadow~


  • LonelyAlways
    June 22, 2005
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    dark and beautiful

1 - 36 of 36