on a bank
with feet in the water -
still thirsty
Author notes
Contemporary haiku.
In cooperation with leander I made some changes.
Written April 22nd, 2005
In a list
What did you think
Comments
1 - 33 of 33
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Thanks Bradley (xElectricEyezx) for your time to read and to review my poetry. Yes, I agree with you. I know that haiku must be 5-7-5 and in original version it was, but, just because of language differences and problem withy syllables, Leander sugested me to make it different. Now it is revised to be contemporary haiku.
~Sonja~ -
A nice image to go with a lovely poem, well done Sonja, you have written a successful piece, although I must agree with leander, a proper haiku should have 17 syllables, not 11.
But nevertheless, it is still a lovely piece.
best wishes as always
xElectricEyezx
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Thanks Gaze for your time to read my haikus and for applause.
~Sonja~ -
This one is much better! I really liked the imagery here. Well done!
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Thank you Leander for your kind suggestion. Yes, maybe you are right. Maybe it is going to be much better if I will put it in to contemporary way. I was trying to use traditional 5-7-5, but, I am still trying to learn something new and I am not shamed because I must do that. I don't know why, but I was always little scared to use non traditional sylable for haikus. Thank you for your kind help.
~Sonja~ -
Ha, ha..well, in my country we still can drink water from lot of rivers and lakes, but, I saw that you understand it's metaphoric meaning.
~Sonja~ -
lol....jump in thats to cute......loved my reaction.....guess the waters not drinkable....but nobody says your heart cannot fill its thirst from the refeshing of its feel all over our bodies.......love it....
Hugs
Malabu -
I get a really nice picture from this.
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Thank you. Life could be cruel sometimes
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Very Good
A clever piece, what more can I say, I really like it.
James
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dont get me wrong here. this is an awsome poem. but i dont think you have it in the right contest. if you would please aloberate on what the metophor is about here in your authours comments that would help me greatly. i will check back for that tommarow
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I really liked this haiku, i found it very clever and super cute. It gave me a giggle. Nicely done! (^_^)
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Thank you for a nice words! I am glad that I entered this contest.
Good luck to everybody!
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It's great wow i loved it and it was so short great job keep it up and thanks for entering my contest
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I am glad that you like it. Sometimes the most simple words makes us to think deeper and we want to take a look inside us.
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I understand what you are saying in your haiku, nature has a wonderful and a very powerful effect on us, the seasons each have their own special beauty, each part of nature draws us in its own particular way. We can never get enough of it for that particular reason.
Well Done!
~Katie~
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This was a great poem, short and to the point. We get what your trying to say, and personally I love how you altered the form of a haiku, this was creative and original. Excellent work! I like the idea you used for this, it makes the reader think, good job. Thank you for entering the contest.
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Hi i would just like to say thank u for the feed back on my poem i8 am glad u like my work.
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Hmm interesting haiku.. 7-5-5.. I thought Haiku's were 5-7-5.. well i guess it doesn't matter.. Anyways I like it a lot.. I like the irony at the end of how even though the speaker is surrounded by water, they are thirsty.. Cute.. Good write!
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For some reason I was about to leave and then got attracted by your title... I wanted to see beyond your eyes... and get into your words... I quite liked the idea, very unusual, and definitely not use to this structure too much... but It nice and fresh... I'm going for a drink now! Well done
Frenchie -
I have found that sometimes even if you get INTO the water (especially the ocean) you still remain thirsty. on the other hand, sometimes if you can just SEE the water, your thirst is quenched.
nice haiku. very thought provoking.
~travis
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Very good write. I like how its so true about how we may seem like we want something but when we get it, we just want more of it. Nature has that effect on people due to its beauty, look how many poems it has inspired people to write. Keep on writing.
Blessed be,
Lefay -
very nice. very stong poem in few words. even though i don't write haikus. and i'm assuming this is a haiku. i have always told people that they are an excellent excercise in brevity and should learn them, or at least practice writing them to build up their poetic mustles. and this is a perfect example of that. hook, line and sinker in three lines. a perfect brevity poem.
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Very interseting...keeps you thinking
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Wonderful. I love how you slightly altered the style of a typical haiku and you made that breakaway. I love how just 3 lines makes a person really think about what was written "Sitting on a river bank.Legs in the water.I am still thirsty." It's so ironic that it's intrigueing(I don't know how to spell it....in-tree-ging) and really lures a mind into wondering. This is a great write,you've heard of 'short and sweet' but this is short and deep . Congrats. Keep up the extra special work!
-Missa -
even though it's short i got an understanding of this poem and im not sure you meant it to be like this but i kinda got the impression that it means even though your happy you still feel as if something is missing. Am i way off here?
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Interesting way to write a haiku...I usuallyuse the typical 5-7-5 form, but this is good the way you have it written...great write!
--Animaechick
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Interesting juxtapostion. Lots of irony. It caught my off guard. A truly creative haiku, I was rewarded in reading it. Keep up the amazing work.
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Good job! I don't usually read haiku, or any other short style poetry, but this is very nice. These few words say quite a bit. Very well done!
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short but nice. enjoyed the read. good job with writing this.
Blu
ps. i should 'say' short. because its haiku..duh. so. long enough!?! lol. -
Wow, this is a beautiful haiku which I liked a lot Keep writing because this was an excellent haiku- thanks for your comment Yeah, it was centred mainly about British politics with a reference to America which is the reason, I presume, you didn't get it
Sorry about that
All the best,
Pozo
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HAHAHA.... you're not just getting good in Haikus, but you're getting cheeky aswell... hahaha.... beautifully done... it reminds me of story "Midas Gold" .... keep on penning...
mina
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although i am typically used to a haiku being 5-7-5...this is a very interesting write....we often find that although we find something we desire...it doesn't quench our thirst..great write again with so little words..wish i could do this too -Amy
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