~
and I finally forgot you
before broken morning
your blue vapors strewing
vanishing from my air
reluctantly I remember
how you lay a heap in his hair
frozen embers and prickly pear
bare breathing in your cadence
and sometimes inching his neck
salty sugar dripping dense
etching flecks of a poet's eloquence
stretching sinuous along his veins
I am so sorry I could not keep you
in a silver locket choking a chain
moon dew and midnight rain
are unwilling to fill me as you do
~
Author notes
Written April 16th, 2005
What did you think
Comments
1 - 33 of 33
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had to come back for seconds ye ken. i canna get enough of ye.
arden -
Oh sweet Dawn! Has it really been so long since I've read your lines? How they flow! Moon dew and midnight rain...
Girlfriend!
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dawn lpove, this is beautiful. it makes me think of a lover... ye ken the sort. thoes illusive ones that fill ye compleatly and drive ye mad. mad because ye ken that ye canna keep them, and for that ye are sad, but they make ye feel so deliriously happy and good. and suddenly, ye are toren between the future sad and the moment of sheer bliss.
'I am so sorry I could not keep you
in a silver locket choking a chain'
illusive... and in part this seems to be descriptive of some love ye canna keep... they slip and vanish like fog in the air... and the memorey oft' bitter sweet comes in and out of dreams.
marvellous write
arden -
Dawn, I have missed your words. I haven't been on here in ages and I see you haven't in a while either. This poem is divine and speaks to me of all loss. Wonderful, do keep writing.
-Deana -
finite moments caught for infinite time...simply lovely
Hugs...Eddy -
Once I thought I was the Ali of poetry readings. I could fly like a butterfly over most of the pitying attempts at testifying to the souls desires or marvel at the beauty of words making love. Every once in a while I'll sting like a bee at some line that shocked or rocked.
But again I am floored by this left uppercut that is your poe... -
hey this was a really good poem, im not really sure what its about but its really good, keep up the great work
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Aw, soft regret, this gets you. Nicely done.
I mean, the first line, wow. To talk about forgetting them in the past tense, works great. I feel it.
I like.
Lo
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nicely done
You are very great, I never regretted a minute of reading your work. -
I cry a tear for every word you wrote.
Your lines are misleading in its simplicity, leading the reader away from the deep current of extreme emotions running through this poem.
Hoodwinking the reader like the protagonist did to herself: saying that she is finally able to be without, everything intact, when the the opposite is very much the truth.
Well done. -
Well I see. At first I thought:
"Just pretty but empty lines strung up for the entertainment of pop culturists."
But then I realised these lines are in effect exactly what the protagonist is doing: rationalising away her emptiness and loss.
These lines thus skirt the real issue. Fill us with fake/ temporary romantisism and prettiness .."like so many trinkets cheap"...)
Use of the alliterations, asonances, consonances, etc. greatly achieve this.
Leaving only two lines from which we can glimpse the heartbreaking truth: the protagonist is, in fact, devasted.
Rare. -
Dawn,
I don't know what planet some of your readers are from (no offense) but this poem floods with unbridled emotions of the truest scented, sweet nectar of love. I sense the "vapors" you mention in the very first stanza, which remind me of peppermint or menthol. The scent of freshly washed hair with the residue of sweet pear and melon shower gel, that maple syrup perspiration that lovers tend to leave on bedsheets and pillow covers, and finally that smell of a wonderful spring rain. The poet in me got all of these sensations from your musing, whether it is what was intended or not!
Love You GURL!
Renee ♥ -
This is so beautiful. I love your imagery, a beautiful portrait , it paints.
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Hey,
sorry for the late reply, but I think this poem fits exactly in the contest... good luck for the contest and talk soon!
Ciao
Frenchie -
Brilliant !!
frozen embers and prickly pear
It's lines like that .. that make it worth the wait.
So funny how time can pass but we never forget the atmosphere in which those special moments are created. The scent and the tiny details that make a moment so memorable.
Dawn, You have that wonderful unique style of capturing such moments. Another extraordinary piece Hon. You're truly a poetic artist Sweety.
" Love you tons beautiful poetess "
You alway melt my heart girl, with your amazing talent!
`
~ Love You precious one ~ `
XXO Mina
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dawn, the imagery in this poem is fantastic. i love the line in the fourth stanza - "in a silver locket choking a chain." such an unusual way to put that picture to words, but it creates such a specific, and emotion filled image, that i wonder how else it could be said. this is a wonderfully moving piece, making me wonder a bit at the senses. beautifully done.
best of luck in the contest!
illusions
Edited on Apr 24, 10:59 because 'somehow, my comment was here twice...sorry 'bout that'. -
Beautiful!
The lost sweet intimacy and familiarity of a sleeping loved one...is there something more touching...
I love:
"reluctantly I remember
how you lay a heap in his hair
frozen embers and prickly pear
bare breathing in your cadence"
The whole poem edges away from a feeling that seems too painful to utter out loud...
It reminds me of the best poems of Kavafis...melancholy, deep and deeply human...
Masterful writing!
Cheers! -
Okay, I'm with NoIQ, anyone who wasn't sure what this is about can't have actually read the poem. I too read it as a lost love piece...the only place I can imagine the ambiguity comming from may be in some of the phrasing, "how you lay a heap in his hair" "and sometimes inching his neck" almost as if you are referring to a third person / entity...and then I think maybe you are referring to love here, or perhaps viewing yourself, as if from outside yourself...
Either way, the meaning of the poem is still crystal clear to me. (Of course, I bring my own life experience to the piece, as we all do with any reading)...
And what it is, is something that I can relate to so painfully at this moment I can barely step back from the feeling of it to comment on this poem objectively, so I won't even try. This resonates inside of me, I can't fault any part of it.
Again, I refer to NoIQ's comment on the technical aspects of this piece and say "I agree".
Lovely work Dawn.
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A footprint can never be stepped into twice. It is what it is and was what it was. But right now we breathe the scents of divine intervention of perceptions and hope to get lost in its passionate ambiance, if but for an hour. Peace Through Love. Timothy
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...holy crap?
I don't know what to say dawn, that was just gorgeous.
The first stanza lovely.
It was all so amazing. And the images that were made while reading this, woah.
what a wonderufl poem, you really out did yourself.
Amazing job dawn.
Keep it up,
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Well, if what you said in response to my Twinkie Villanelle is true, then the words extolled to those Hostess wonders have produced inspiration beyond dreams! Holy cow, just look at the critiques you received, and from whom! Wow, welcome back to the world of adulation -- the paparazzi is next
I am amusingly reading a few comments that repeat the statement "I don't know what this is about," or something along those lines. Umm, I really don't see much ambiguity in a poem that starts with "and I finally forgot you" and ends with "moon dew and midnight rain / are unwilling to fill me as you do." If this isn't about the celebration of remembered love, and its inspiration on a poet who wants to express its beauty in adequate words ("and sometimes inching his neck / salty sugar dripping dense / etching flecks of a poet's eloquence / stretching sinuous along his veins"), I must really be missing something. The only ambiguity which I see, which is a marvelous device of the work, is whether the poem reflects the yearning in the "broken morning" after the muse has left, in which case the inspirations are of short-term loss, or of a more profound and distant loss of that man, suggested by that need to keep him in a locket.
I being an optimist, and with or without justification, therefore choose to believe this is about the morning after -- the immediate loss after being "filled" as suggested in the final line. Plus, I'm just a Twinkie type of guy, so I like to think women want to write about loss then, rather than to all time
Anyway, regardless of my accuracies in interpretation, you produce a wonderful, wonderful poem Dawn. The repeated internal and overt rhymes (e.g., "air" "hair" "pear" and "bare" in the first two stanzas, just as an example) assonance ("dense / etching flecks of poet's eloquence"), and consonance ("heap in his hair") make it flow beautifully, and the images fall one after another on the musings contained within the lines -- all with a distinct "lazy" ease. You return to the world of poetry writing with a piece every bit up to your supreme talent.
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Dawn
MMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, I love this, moon dew and midnight rain , an amazing write
Miss you
Love you,
Karen
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I'm not hundred percent sure what you are talking about as well, but I am going to say a special scent due to the title and the wonderful "heap in his hair" line. I'm probably not alone in saying it would be great for you to write an author's comment on this poem so we can go deeper into this work of art. It's very nicely written and the words seemed to all be chosen perfectly. Even though I'm not that sure on the topic, it was amazing to read your words and flow. Outstanding job and I really enjoyed this. Keep up the great work!
Edited on Apr 17, 8:12 because 'floq = flow'. -
i'm not quite sure exactly what the poem is talking about...
despite that i find the words to read so eloquently... making me want to read it over and over to see what i can pull from it.
for that reason i must applaud
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Hey, I'm not quite sure what you mean exactly, but I love the way it flows and it is so peaceful. I love your way with words, so nice and calming. Good job, keep it up.
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My favourite lines we also:
' am so sorry I could not keep you
in a silver locket choking a chain', however, I'm not sure what you were referring to completely. I loved this piece though, it was full of emotion and it really touched me. -
i love it! My favorite lines :
am so sorry I could not keep you
in a silver locket choking a chain
I think this is such a creative way to say it! It truly does look like the locket is choking the chain! Good write! -
Dawn,
This was awesome to read..... I am glad to see you posting again. I always love your work. So that means when you don't post I miss out on true beauty.
Yvonne
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Hey you!
You know there is one thing that you never let go of in your poetry, is your own style, you have such a way with rhyming that no one else has. You always seem to add your own flare to your poems. They're very unique.
Its nice to see you posting again
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Beautiful!!
I have to agree with eveyone else on this page. So WONDERFUL to see something from you again...and a poem so moving, so beautiful, so fresh that I am struggling to find the right words to explain its impact!
Such melancholy in these words...the gentle sadness that visits us in the late and lone hours. I love the title of this poem. It opens up the poem to whats to follow, create the atmosphere, the setting, the feelings. But mostly because of something that I've read the other day about scent. It is said that the sense of scent lingers the longest in the memory.
This poem is about memories - looking back, reflecting on the past, but also looking forward. I don't know which line or stanza moved me the most....just a poem that is utterly beautiful and moving as a whole.
Still the last stanza "speaks" to me - it made all my tender branches quiver. How beautiful you move with and within your words, how deeply you move me as the reader. Please write more, Paula - this was just amazing!
~ Nicolette
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Ok so you finally took the plunge and got back into it. Was it worth the wait?
I don't know. You see... I would have to come back and see if it grows like the others.
For now I can honestly say that I don't think anyone can do lone heartbreak like you. Where Rof grieves quietly yet with all his heart, you hold it in and let us only glimpse the pain.
Leaving us to imagine it making it as bad as we dare...
This is tucking at me, whispering half heard reminders of the darknesses in the past.
SOme lines has me crying some has me stymied - but in all it has moved me -
it has been oh too long since I read your lovliness and it so good to see you again kicking alive, well and oh so eloguent as always
big hugs and welcome home darlin for poets we are always a step beyond darkness in the pen of another story, song and ballad.
Tamara -
Amazingly Penned!
Oh my gosh dawn, your words are so eloquent, they capture the heart of you, so loving, so longing for maybe what once was...
I'm not 100% on what you're referring too, but as you know, I'm not a 100% on anything, lol... But it read so peaceful, and calming... as your imagery fills the page with such grace...
I'm so joyful to see you expressing yourself once again through your magical, poetic pen...I enjoy your heart and soul, every time I get a chance to read you... I feel honored...
Much love and peace sweet sis! &
-Timothy The Poetic Weaver
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