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Crap short story

            She pulled a rusty scalpel from the tray handed to her and dug into the field mouse with as much vigor as a miner searching for gold.  The blade scraped through tendons and sawed through bones before reaching it’s destination, the tiny rodent’s heart.  With a smile on her face and a glow in her eyes, she took her tweezers and plucked it delicately out of the cavity.  After twirling the heart in awe between her fingers, she pulled out a Ziploc bag from her pocket, and stowed the heart away.<o ></o >

            She spent the rest of the day dreaming of the delights in her backpack, and periodically checked the pocket to be sure no one had taken her treasure from her.  Fortunately, she was ignored by every student her age and was left alone to contemplate the uses of the heart.  At 3:45, the school day came to a close and she scurried down to her dorm room with a malicious grin on her face.<o ></o >

            Lance Capell Dormitory, Room 246, third floor, she had finally arrived.  She jammed her keys into the door, hands jittering in anticipation of the evening’s events.  A rancid odor flooded from the room as the light bulb in the corner flickered ominously, threatening darkness.  She crawled over a month’s worth of laundry and an ant-infested sandwich rested atop an overflowing garbage pile.  Her roommate opted out months ago.  After crossing her floor, careful not to tread on a broken mirror, she placed the organ gingerly on top of her dresser.<o ></o >

            She hadn’t used her doll in ages and a smile spread across her face as she recalled the spells done with it.  It was a hex Wanga doll, purchased in her favorite Vodun store a mile away from the house she lived in as a child.  She had preformed incantations in the past with the hopes of evening the score with some particularly vicious children that lived down the road.  Weeks later, one of child was mysteriously attacked by a rabid dog and was hospitalized for a month.  She did not pretend to hide her contentment.

Author notes

PLEASE, I NEED LOADS OF HELP WITH THIS SHORT STORY.  I NEED AN IDEA FOR A CHARACTER FOR HER TO WANT TO SEEK VENGEANCE UPON.  ANY HELP ON THIS SUBJECT WILL BE APPRECIATED, AND REWARDED THROUGH VARIOUS CRITIQUES/APPLAUSE ON POEMS OF YOURS.  I JUST NEED A VENDETTA THAT IS NOT TOO TRITE.
Written April 11th, 2005

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Comments


  • Methodic Breakdown
    April 11, 2005
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    Maybe the girl could hate an ex-boyfriend, or just a guy that she likes who won't give her the time of day? I'm not very good at short stories, but I hope it helps a little....


  • Methusala
    April 11, 2005
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    great so far

    Well, there were some errors inthe story, too. Don't get me wrong, I thought it was freaking amazing, I'm just trying to help you as much as possible. First off, in my opinion, the smilies were a bit of a distraction, taking away from the context of the actual story. Second, the "3:45" is clear to me that it is pm, but you might want to change that just for the stupid people who aren't sure. A third thing would be in the first sentence of the third paragraph. I think the 3rd comma should be a period. (But that's me.)

    Now, finally, an idea for the character. I think it should be someone who isn't a bully or anything. That way, it shows her true malicious figure, that she will not hesitate in using the arts on everyone and anyone that gets in her way. I defineatly think it should be someone her own age, though, because that would make for a perfect rivalry. Perhaps a boy that is evagalising Christianity in her school, interfering with the expasnion of her sect. That is my idea. Hope you like it.

    ~Dead Kennedy Rolls


  • OutsideTheMirror
    April 11, 2005
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    hmmm...maybe a parent who abused her as a child? ooo! i wrote a short story (it's not on AP, yet, needs editing) about a girl who abhored another girl with every part of her soul. she plans the other girl's murder, it climaxes when they meet face-to-face, and then girl 1 kills girl 2. in the last sentence, you find out it's the same person.
    maybe you could do something like that. shrug what do you hate most? think of the most wretched qualities imaginable, and put them in her antagonist. then give that character a really happy, friendly, innocent facade. that's what i'd do.