darkness slowly falls
rapid breath, it stalls
silence fills the halls
the broken heart calls
feeble shattered cry
aggravated sigh
turn away, pass by
let the broken heart die...
Author notes
ne titles ideas???
Written April 11th, 2005
What did you think
Comments
1 - 29 of 29
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Liked the end rhyme in each of the verses, the flow and the images these words bring to mind. Interesting title as well.
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very nice write that you have penned here
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Short and sweet. This piece makes sad sense. I would offer constructive criticism but I honestly don't think it is necessary. The piece seems raw and fresh, usually the best kind in my opinion. I hope to read more of your work sometime.
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This lacks, at least to me, an abstact subject matter.. but who cares. To me, that's what makes it all the better. As a rule, I generally never use more that two '..'s but each person has their style. I love how you keep this short, sweet, but definately not simple as the reader is left with undefined questions. Keep writing..
~J~
Edited on Jul 01, 4:19 because ''. -
I feel like there is something missing from your poem. Like one line to really tie it off. I like the title, maybe try to work that into an ending line? I dont know, just my thinking. Nice work here though. I love the background. Keep on writing.
Blessed be,
Lefay -
Short and sweet, just how I like my poetry... fade was a good song too, even tho it's a little old. And don't give up on love, if that's what this is about. I'd know about not giving up when you've had your heart broken and what not... Happened to me plenty of times... keep hope alive and you'll be fine.
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awsome
ooh wow this is a very good piece.. i cant believe how good this poem is! i wish that i was as good as you a writing as you!!! keep up the good work. look ing forward to reading more of your poems!!! -
Alright
Hmmm..it seemed to me that the rhyme was forced and somewhat choppy, which may have been your intent, I'm not sure. I liked the premise for this poem, but the rhyming made it seem as if you were reaching to really nail your point and yet missed the mark by a millimeter. I liked your ideas, though, great thoughts! Keep up the GREAT work. -
Incredibly succinct and well stated... the fade... to nothing and silence....
~Diane~ -
I love the background but not as much as I love your poem.It was short but really good.
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hey this is really good, i liked it alot
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great
Woot Woot great write. one major problem with this poem though...i couldn't see the writing.lol not a major error but it is one that could discourage others from reading it. great job it was very short but totally to the point. very powerful and emotional as well. oh yes and one more thing...i really liked the title it was a total attention getter. well great job but my poem was much better. lol j/k
keep up the good work. i look forward to reading more of your work in the future .
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WoW! Is Speechless
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I love your economy, and though your rhyme scheme seems a little stretched, it's very well deserved. Also, I like your color scheme. Good job with this and good luck in all your future poetic endeavors.
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Abit short but packed with emotion
Jessi
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..you're still alive ..i was begining to wonder...nice to see something new from you..this was great...God Bless
tyler
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this was a very nice poem...although it was very short, the words usage was very good givin the poem it's emotions and power...i especially enjoyed reading the last line
Poetry-4-Life
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great job. the colors and the background kind of fit into it. keep up the good work!
<3Madison -
Wow that was beautifully pieces together , short and powerful till the end. I loved it , the rhyming was smooth and worked well in the poem. Good job.
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wow.....so short yet so full of emotion.....this is an amazing write....great job.......beautiful
Bridget -
This was a nice two part rhyming poem. It read smooth and nice lines like,
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turn away, pass by
let the broken heart die...
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good ending for a short poem. -
A short simple write that makes a person think complex. My favorite!
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That moment, huh? The moment you crash. The fall that only ever ends in broken bones.
I feel for you. It last forever, that wretched second, even longer in your words. -
A blit plain. But not a bad poem. It needs a bit more work. The rhyme sceme makes it lose a lot of power that it would've had if you didn't use one.
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I kinda agree with Outside. 'Fade' would be a good one. Although Sir Dakkon's idea was good, too. I gues that isn't much help is it?
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Bravo
I'd title it "Shattered Oblivion" but that's just me. It was cool, especially with the feeling that all around me was going to wink out and I'd be left in eternal darkness. Well done and bravo -
I'd title it "Fade."
very powerful poem. those last two lines are breath taking.
amazing write -
Very interesting poem. I like the ryme scheme and the subject makes you think....very good write. Keep up the good work.
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dark silence??? i duno. but i like the poem. nicely done.
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