I was driving around a pot hole
Too close to the opposite sidewalk
When I looked up from the rock & roll
To see a young boy being pushed along
In a stroller by an immigrant nanny
Probably from Southern Mexico
The boy's eyes caught mine
He had a tuft of light brown curly hair
And an interesting face that I
Almost recognized, but why or
how I could know him, and from where?
Struck me as random, and slightly mental
And that's when it occurred to me
As I smiled at him while he blew me a kiss
That he was my brother, my son, my father
And though that sounds like nonsense
In that instant I knew it all in a flash
Why we were here -- I understood
As a calm blast of low steady love
Washed over me -- a timeless ocean
I'm always in, just forgetting, while swimming
I understood that I was no more or less than me
A brilliant part of everything, I came back here
To exchange my life and memories for yours
As you have all done for me, to teach, to -
- Love, to learn, to BE.
Author notes
"The dawns will rise"
Written April 11th, 2005
In a list
A contest entry
- On The Shores Of Memoria by Stuart Higginson.
300 points, ended July 21, 2006, 12 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 38 of 38
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Well just at a glance I can tell you're a poof, obese, and longwinded, but alas I'll recieve no medal for my candid nature.
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So much has been written I find it hard to decide what to write. Generally I agree with Stuart (out of the blue). I think the begining is the strongest, and then it kind of fades out. I am okay with the reference to southern Mexico, for though you can not tell a culture just by a glance, it is possible to guess that if your city has many such individuals, this may be one too. I thik that is okay, if you do not go on and assume things abvout this person based on that race. Glenda
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aiight...
Excellent poem, I do think it is great how you can pull humanity out of the eyes of a child, but the beginning stly does not match the end. You could probably pull that off in a longer piece so you could end with the beginning. It seems like you started out in one direction and just ended up here. -
Superb/Inspirational
A very excellant write just as it is. -
Since you have had some great critiques already about the poem subject matter and presentation itself, I will concentrate on the structure. Although this is free verse, the first part read more like a short story than a poem. The last part was more like a poem
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I found it intereasting that amidst all the distractions and routine of everyday life, you had an epiphany by just the look of a child. I like how you showed the impact and the connection between you two for that moment, especially in your thoughts. Sometimes I felt there were alot of ideas being crammed into one place, and I understood the other person's comment about geographical ethnicity, though I don't share the cynicism. This was well written and an intriguing read.
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I am not sure what I think of this...I like it/get lost....there are lines of brilliance in it, but then I get confused....the last three lines are what confused me...I think you have a message that is good, and all in all I like it.
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How interesting that, just by a glance, you are able to tell the geographical origin of a passer by. Everyone knows that Southern Mexicans look incredibly different from Northern ones, and indeed Guatamalans and Hondurans. And, not only that, you are able to tell whether the person is native born or an immigrant. Are you able to tell if they are virgins too? You must be very clever.
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wow! The best poem I have read in a while, undoubtedly. You deserve all the wonderful comments posted above. I feel like any compliment I could give you couldn't show how impressed I am. Well done! Have a nice day
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Hi Horus
This contest is now being judged, so I am posting the final critique after this one. Please note both editorial and subject elements, for your consideration only. The photo you've incorporated with this poem really adds a nice touch to it, though of course I don't regard the artwork/backgrounds in the contest judging. It's nice to see families at play and looking happy though!
EDITORIAL:
^^^^^^^^^^
Although I'm aware that the presentation style is not "incorrect", and is used by many, I feel that in free-verse, it does tend to make it more difficult for the reader to determine your intended reading-scheme, and - in some places - for them to follow, mainly due to your tendency to use full grammar/whole sentences on some lines, and broken/part-sentences on others. I felt therefore, that extra punctuation would have benefitted the poem, not only in the body text/mid-line as you've used here, but more so at the line endings, especially where some sentences are being carried over more than one line. Perhaps alternatively consider presenting "continuance lines" beginning in lower-case rather than capitals? Just a suggestion, but it would make it more immediate for the reader when they begin the poem.
Lines 9-11) I felt the word placement in these lines was erratic in a sense, and made for more awkward stop-start reading, when compared to the fuller sentences used in lines earlier in the poem. Perhaps consider presenting this area of text in an alternative way?
SUBJECT:
^^^^^^^
I enjoyed the opening to the poem, though felt some scene-setting/detail was insignificant to the poem, and perhaps occupied time/attention and space that would've been better used later in the poem. ie the ethnic origin of/mention of the nanny, who doesn't really have any significance to the piece, and which -to some extent- detracts a little attention away from the boy, who is the main relevant "feature character".
I was impressed with the theme and concept that you worked with, using the child and your sense of intrigue that he commanded through the familiarity you felt upon seeing him. You would not be alone in sensing such things in the presence of another, and I do believe in the possible connections people - and souls - may have; from the past, in the present, and in times to come. It's as if they can remind us of something, reconnect us and make us once more aware of things (which for instance, we might normally take for granted) ... a host of possibilities and affects. I recently met someone who reminded me strikingly of a close friend I knew years before; even down to the way we interacted. It was rather like "deja vu" only with a different person in terms of appearance/aesthetically. As I read through your poem, I found myself pondering timeless questions such as whether old souls, having departed life, might return once more ... in another form, perhaps as new life such as children.
At times I found your later message (the core message) a little confusing, where you speak of being "no more, no less than yourself", since you go on to say that you have "returned" ("came back here"), which suggests that you've perhaps died and your soul has been reborn (in your current form) and that your purpose is to exchange your life and memories with another (or others). Therefore you are not purely "who you are in this lifetime" for you have had other forms, and will again. Or do you mean that the soul is eternal and life continues in a spiral, with souls leaving then returning? ie that the soul is one, though the bodily forms may be many? I'd be interested to know the exact message/concept you're expressing in the latter part of the poem, so please feel free to IM me the answer/clarification if you have the time. It was in these areas of the poem where I felt that further elaboration/definition could've best featured (in relation to my point regarding the first few lines and the subject-matter they contained).
Nonetheless, it's made for very enjoyable reading, and gave me much to think about and question, which is something I enjoy. I thank you for the opportunity to read this one, which has made another interesting entry into the contest.
Best wishes
Stuart
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Hi
Thanks for entering this one. I am printing off new entries at present, and critiquing those - already in the print-run - by hand. Critiques are being posted this week, a little later than hoped, as I've had log-in problems
I shall look forward to reading this.
Best wishes
Stuart
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It is easy to see every essence of who and what we are in the eyes of a child. You have captured that sense in this brilliant poem. The words are simple but give a breathtaking view of the oneness of all things.
I have always been impressed with your work, even when I didn't totally agree with your sentiments. All that said, I adore this work! You have such a gift! Thank you for showing how in an instant emotions can change. You are the revoultion! I agree!
Much Love,
Renee
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Awesome
Yes, I agree with all the above comments. Babies are true heavensent Angels they radiate that halo and it makes us all feel so loved when they smile, wave, and say "Hi!" blowing kisses surely takes the cake! -
That is a truly inspiring poem full of hope I love your using a little boy to show all this. Great job thank you for entering ~calentice~
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good job
I have to say that this is not your style at all. However, it seems to transcend your style and move on to another level. Your cheering section has covered everything I could possibly mention so I'm moving on. All in all, good job. -
congratulations
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horus8, I'll be posting the results for this contest
in an hour or two, please check the results. -
Well said, and thank you Brian, for everything.
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Over the last several weeks I've had more than my $3.99 should
buy at the poetry-buffet. I've read so much poetry, both good
and bad, that I probably have one of the best eyes for a piece
that really stands out above others.
This one had me stumped at first and I had to spend a good
ten minutes trying to figure out why I like it so much.
Despite the use of beautiful and flowery words, this seems
to blossom into a bouquet. It has some vivid imagery, even
though it's not written in a way that I'm accustomed to
seeing imagery used. The language is rather plain, yet it's
truly poetic, and I consider this to be a very good poem.
What it is that makes this so good is that you have written
this in a way that almost anyone can understand and identify
with. You express that despite the fact that we are all
normal people we can still have a hope that we are a part
of something higher and better than ourselves, and that
everyone else is too. The use of a child to illustrate
this point adds a touch of innocence.
Thanks for the lesson, nicely done. -
I know you do not need luck as your skill is evident. I have read a number of your poems and columns, but this poem in both narrative and idea connected with and 'Ah, I know exactly what you mean here' (well maybe not but it hit something) because I know that feeling of looking into the face of a child and suddenly understanding the bond of humanity.
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A very beautiful write, which captures the reader from beginning to end. This is also very intense and thought provoking, original and strange - in a positive sense, I mean . The flow is perfect. Thanks for entering and best of luck in the contest,
Evalinka
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Yes! This is it!
I'm awed. It's a wondering feeling to feel a connection with anything; person, place or thing. I truly believe we are all connected, and I really appreciate this piece. -
This really is a tremendous write. I can't agree enough with the critiques above and thinks it great that some would like to share it in a broader forum.
Nicely done and easy to see how this would receive such accolades. -
I'm being a point whore tonight. So, I feel it verges on fake telling you how wonderful I think this write is. It's true though. It is good.
Mary -
Great imagery and such passion. Very beautiful piece and quite unique. I liked it so much I read it 3 times. Great work and so well written. Touching...
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I have read several good pieces of poetry from your keyboard and/or pen, but every now and then you post something that just simply stuns me and leaves me in a complete state of awe. This is one of those pieces. I love the way you have creatively crafted your words here to have so much depth and meaning behind them. Thank you for the pleasure of the read.
♥ Kimberly -
A very worthy trophy winner, Horus -- I wish I had seen this earlier, because my own mother was a teacher. The sentiments of universality are marvelous, and this is one of the more tender poems I have seen from you; indeed, it might be the most. The duality of the child in the stroller, coupled with the flash of understanding of interconnectedness, provides a marvelous theme, which you summarize perfectly at the end. This is the type of poem that begs for aspirations, and which rewards the reader with a rich optimism.
Now, having said that -- I have looked at the figure formed by the lines, and my best guess is that it is a plastic pepsi or water container... Either that, or it's two pacifiers stuck together. Possibly robby the robot with a Dr. Seuss hat on top. Maybe (probably) it isn't supposed to be an image at all -- but I damn well want to know what it is if it is meant to be a picture.... Seriously, though, this was a very, very fine poem, and I am glad you were rewarded for its excellence. -
Sounds lovely, thank you.
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I would like to share this poem, with the others in the contest that have confirmed that I may. We have Safe and caring Groups within our far northern Woodland Cree community. I am on one with our school. I will give you full credit. thank you!
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I didn't get this whole poem until the end. Then I thought it was good. skitza
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I did not look to see what collection this was in before I starting reading it. I though about halfway through it this should be in your "A Softer Horus8" collection. Then I looked
Anyway, I really enjoy this side of your writing very much. I love the other collections too, but I am truly touched by this collection. Well Done!!!!!!!!!!!!
Edited on Apr 12, 7:19 because ''. -
Cool
This is a very strange and mystical poem. Great imagery and great emotional depth at the same time. I dig this poem. Thanks. -
What an awesome experience. I can't say I have ever had one like it, but the idea of reincarnation is very appealing. Maybe he is your son Maybe you just don't know it yet. I remember an interview with Rex Smith when he met his love child, he said that the teen boy asked him for an autograph, and it was watching his own mouth when the boy spoke. So maybe...
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Jeremi you are the best in the west and up there with jim in my world, I hope you win the gold...
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excellent
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Thank you.
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Beautifully deep!
horus8, I have often looked at your poetry on this site. There is something very deep and evocative in all your writing. I am going to look deeper because this truly is a strong piece of writing. You are right, all of us are teachers, we impart wisdom; physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. this is so gentle and beautiful. Thank you for entering it. -
Oh, WOW, Jeremi... this is wonderfully profound....deep and meanigful. To recognise the 'me' in all of us is to lend an understanding of the universe, a lesson to be learned without even knowing it.
Teacher, lover, friend, fellow human being, all different, all the same.....all 'me' !!
An excellent write. Good luck in the contest
Dee
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